(no subject)
oh my life. it is absolutely impossible for me to predict anything; any event or emotion or person. i met a guy three weeks ago from today and he turned out to be a complete shock in the fact that he was psychotic but really good at hiding it in the beginning. he blamed it on liquour which is so typical because its the easy way out. you apologized like eight times in one long drawn out awkward night and all you got out of me was we're good, what's done is done. the end. im just so done with finding the exact opposite of what i need in my life. but to his credit, he put up a great front. not that i give a shit now.
now i have a returning fellow back in my life and i must say im kind of happy. he's the one person i have ever truely felt for and i miss feeling that. hanging out was nice but now im back here. this whole back and forth with emotions and physically being separated is so much to think about. like how should i handle this. how should i go about this. what should i expect of him. can he or will he expect anything of me. i certainly hope not just because we're so far away and we've missed out on lots of time and its hard to make up for that. but no matter how much time has passed, for whatever reason, i always want to fix things with him or see him. its kind of fucked up to be honest. he is the one person i cannot let go of. i've been able to cut off every other guy in my life that i wanted to no problem. he is different and i still cannot figure out why. it literally drives me crazy because i think about it constantly. this is the last try i hope. i don't think i can handle this over and over. like its already been 2 years. in my opinion thats a long time to "continue" something when you're not really actually doing anything. we spoke very rarely but never hung out or anything. it was all fake. this time its different and i hope it stays that way. ugh its so dumb and im so dumb. but oh well. life.
back to school. we'll see how that goes..
now i have a returning fellow back in my life and i must say im kind of happy. he's the one person i have ever truely felt for and i miss feeling that. hanging out was nice but now im back here. this whole back and forth with emotions and physically being separated is so much to think about. like how should i handle this. how should i go about this. what should i expect of him. can he or will he expect anything of me. i certainly hope not just because we're so far away and we've missed out on lots of time and its hard to make up for that. but no matter how much time has passed, for whatever reason, i always want to fix things with him or see him. its kind of fucked up to be honest. he is the one person i cannot let go of. i've been able to cut off every other guy in my life that i wanted to no problem. he is different and i still cannot figure out why. it literally drives me crazy because i think about it constantly. this is the last try i hope. i don't think i can handle this over and over. like its already been 2 years. in my opinion thats a long time to "continue" something when you're not really actually doing anything. we spoke very rarely but never hung out or anything. it was all fake. this time its different and i hope it stays that way. ugh its so dumb and im so dumb. but oh well. life.
back to school. we'll see how that goes..