Hi I'm Chandler, Could I BE wearing anymore clothes??

[xojess29]

Sooooo...shock of the century happened last thursday. He talked to me. After 6 months of nothing, he talked to me. On the day that I find out he is engaged, he talks to me. What is going on?!? My life is going fine and then bing bam boom my life is thrown completely off course. I know I'm being a little over-dramatic about this, but its just so shocking, I don't even know what to do. The whole day was weird. I woke up that morning and had an IM waiting from his little brother's screen name that said, "Hi, who is this?" I e-mailed him saying it was me, and asked him how he got my screen name. Thats when I decide to look up Shawn's profile to see if he still had AOL, and sure enough he did and thats when I found the two words "Happily Engaged" written next to marital status. Then, that night at about midnight I'm sitting at my computer doing homework, and out of nowhere he IM's me. I must have sat there for a good 1/2 a minute staring at the screen thinking I was imagining it. Nevertheless, it was really him. I figured it would be like a 5 minute conversation of the how are you doing/how is your life going sort of thing, and maybe he would tell me of his engagement. Well, the conversation lasted for over 2 hours, and nothing of an engagement was mentioned. He told me he was on leave, and he asked me if I would be coming home this weekend, so we made semi-plans to see each other when I got home from school the next day, or I asked him if he would go to lunch with me, and he told me he would call me when I got back, so I took that as semi-plans, who knows what he meant by it. Well, I never heard from him. The weirdest thing was that after we finished our conversation I looked up his profile again for some odd reason, and he had deleted it. I didn't really know what that was about. I figured they were either not engaged anymore, or that he wanted to tell me about it in person, not knowing that I had already read his profile before he deleted it. SO, I talked to to his little brother at work about everything that weekend, he was a little confused about why I had e-mailed him when he never IMed me. Oh, I forgot, I asked Shawn about the IM I got from his little brother that morning, and he admitted it was him, he said he was nervous about IMing me, so he had this plan of acting like it was his brother and he didn't know who I was, don't ask...he doesn't make sense half the time to me either, but I did think it was cute in a way. So, I explained what happened to his little brother and his little brother was about as confused as I was, but he did inform me that Shawn was definately still engaged, but that not a lot of people knew about it. So then, I figured he either wanted to tell me in person about it and then chickened out, or he had no intention of telling me about it, but decided it wasn't right to see an ex-g/f when he is engaged. I know I wouldn't want my fiance seeing one of his ex-girlfriends for any reason. I was confused about everything, and of course I analyzed it over and over. But then I realized, I can't do anything about it. Maybe he missed me and wanted to talk to me, maybe he wanted me to know he was engaged from him and not someone else, who knows why he talked to me. I guess I'll never know, and thats fine. I figured it wasn't worth it to stress over it, because as much stressing as I would do, it wouldn't change anything. I felt like I was put back in the same place I was a year ago, fretting over every little thing he did or said, and I didn't like it at all. So, I stopped while I was ahead. And I have to say it felt damn good. I finally realize that I don't need him anymore. He's really not a part of my life anymore. And although I haven't gotten in a relationship since him, I really feel that I have moved on, and I am so proud of myself for that. If something ever happens between us in the future, whether its just being friends or more than that, its going to be because he initiates it. I'm no longer being the needy exgirlfriend that overanalyzes everything about what went wrong, and why everything happened the way it did, I'm finally drawing the line and ending the saga of Shawn and Jess. Everything happens for a reason, and I'm no longer worrying about it anymore. As much shit as he put me through this past year, I realize that what we had was real. Things happened for a reason, and I'm fine with that. I'm no longer going to be mad and hold a grudge against him, or against his fiance. I hope that years down the line I can look back on the time I shared with him and smile knowing what a great relationship we had, and how in the end he helped to make me a stronger person. The end of the story is, he IMed me this morning before I went to class and apologized for not calling me last week, and said that he didn't think it would be right for us to see each other, and although it hurts, I have to agree with him. It would have brought back old feelings that would better be left hidden away, and it would have only made me more bitter in the end towards him. So, for now, I'm closing this chapter in my life. And like I said above, if it is ever reopened in the future, its not going to be by me. Your first love, if lost, is always hard to forget, and I won't ever forget him, but for now, I'm letting go.

P.S. I know my subject line has nothing at all to do with my entry, but I was watching friends as I started writing this, and I thought it would be funny, I'm a dork, but at least I know that.