I feel lost
Lately I've been seriously considering transferring schools for fall of next year, and going to FAU. I don't know if its just because I've been in a depressed mood lately, or if its something I really want to do. I'm completely torn. I've met a lot of people in Tampa that I've become close to, and I don't want to lose touch with them if I move back home. But everytime I come home I don't want to leave, and I know its mostly because I'm homesick, but that should have faded by now. I'm just not happy right now, and I hate feeling like this, but its a decision I'm going to have to make for myself. At least I have a while to think about it. I guess we'll just see what happens.
So, there's this guy that I used to date a couple years ago (nothing serious) and he just recently started DJing again at my old job on Saturday nights. Well, we still talk online casually every so often just to catch up and whatnot, and I actually went to dinner with him once a little while after me and my ex-boyfriend broke up. After that, he used to always ask me to go out with him again, but I just wasn't feeling it, so I always made up excuses not to go. He just recently started DJing again at my job on Saturday nights, so whenever I'm down for the weekend I'll see him at work. For the past two weeks he has been dropping hints of asking me out again, and complimenting me left and right, and deep down he really is a nice guy. I'm sure he could make any girl very happy. So why won't I go out with him you may ask? Because he always has dirt under his fingernails. Seriously, what is wrong with me? I'll find the stupidest thing I don't like about someone and base that as the reason for not going out with them. I think I'm irreversibly screwed up.
One of the reasons I don't want to come back home for school, is because everytime I'm at home, I always feel surrounded by my ex. Especially when I'm at work, his little brother works there, and occasionally I'll run into his mom in the parking lot as I'm leaving, and of course I'm not gonna not talk to her. Its like I can't avoid him. I just wish things could be different. Thinking back, I never would have guessed that things would have ended up the way they did. I guess I've been thinking a lot about it recently because next month would have been our 3 yr anniversery. And I can't say I miss him, because I don't. Well actually, thats not true, I miss the person he used to be, before, well before everything happened. I miss who I used to be, and the way I used to feel. I guess my mom was right though, first loves rarely last. What usually follows a first love is a first hearbreak. I wish I could find a way to just push everything about him out of my mind so that I didn't have to think about it anymore, and so that everytime his name was mentioned I didn't feel a knot in my stomach. WHY AM I DOING THIS. Sometimes I really do feel like a weak whiny female that I always prided myself on not being. I'm really scared for winter break, because I'm probably going to be working at my old job, and theres a good chance he'll be stopping by because he has leave for Christmas. I honestly am not ready to see him again. We parted on really bad terms 3 months ago and I just can't deal with him right now, so thats another decision I'll need to make. Why does everything seem so complicated? I don't know, hopefully my next entry will be a little more optimistic. Until then...
<3 Jess
So, there's this guy that I used to date a couple years ago (nothing serious) and he just recently started DJing again at my old job on Saturday nights. Well, we still talk online casually every so often just to catch up and whatnot, and I actually went to dinner with him once a little while after me and my ex-boyfriend broke up. After that, he used to always ask me to go out with him again, but I just wasn't feeling it, so I always made up excuses not to go. He just recently started DJing again at my job on Saturday nights, so whenever I'm down for the weekend I'll see him at work. For the past two weeks he has been dropping hints of asking me out again, and complimenting me left and right, and deep down he really is a nice guy. I'm sure he could make any girl very happy. So why won't I go out with him you may ask? Because he always has dirt under his fingernails. Seriously, what is wrong with me? I'll find the stupidest thing I don't like about someone and base that as the reason for not going out with them. I think I'm irreversibly screwed up.
One of the reasons I don't want to come back home for school, is because everytime I'm at home, I always feel surrounded by my ex. Especially when I'm at work, his little brother works there, and occasionally I'll run into his mom in the parking lot as I'm leaving, and of course I'm not gonna not talk to her. Its like I can't avoid him. I just wish things could be different. Thinking back, I never would have guessed that things would have ended up the way they did. I guess I've been thinking a lot about it recently because next month would have been our 3 yr anniversery. And I can't say I miss him, because I don't. Well actually, thats not true, I miss the person he used to be, before, well before everything happened. I miss who I used to be, and the way I used to feel. I guess my mom was right though, first loves rarely last. What usually follows a first love is a first hearbreak. I wish I could find a way to just push everything about him out of my mind so that I didn't have to think about it anymore, and so that everytime his name was mentioned I didn't feel a knot in my stomach. WHY AM I DOING THIS. Sometimes I really do feel like a weak whiny female that I always prided myself on not being. I'm really scared for winter break, because I'm probably going to be working at my old job, and theres a good chance he'll be stopping by because he has leave for Christmas. I honestly am not ready to see him again. We parted on really bad terms 3 months ago and I just can't deal with him right now, so thats another decision I'll need to make. Why does everything seem so complicated? I don't know, hopefully my next entry will be a little more optimistic. Until then...
<3 Jess