(no subject)
I can't understand why my mind always feels like shit.
If I could drown myself in alcohol every single day of my life, I would.
Only I don't, for I have too many responsibilities, and not enough time.
I can't understand why I always feel so alone.
I could be in a room full of people, and still feel completely alone.
I feel hopeless, and exhausted.
I'm always exhausted.
I don't even want to go to college, but I have to, I guess.
I'm afraid that college will only make me feel more lonely, more hopeless, more depressed.
I refuse couseling every time it's been offered to me.
I don't want to talk to someone about my life, like anyone could even understand.
I feel stuck, like no one gets it.
It's not normal to think about suicide on a daily basis, and I do.
Only I think I'm too weak. Too weak to leave this world. To weak to take the action.
As much as I'd like to, I just hope I never really get overwhelmed and do it.
People are naturally always trying to "talk you out of it"
"People care, everyone cares even if they don't show it"
Well if they don't show it then why is it worth it?
Why is it worth it if you have to be dead for anyone to wake up and realize?
Maybe I should be dead, who the fuck knows.
I'm so confused.
It's like I'm looking at the world from above, watching everyone live their lives, while I just sit there and soak it all in, wondering why I can't just live my own life in happiness.
"life is what you make it, only you can make yourself happy"
I ask you, HOW? How do I put all of this shit behind me and move on?
How do I not think about how frequently unhappy I am?
It's stuck on my mind and it won't leave, it's like it's haunting me.
It's not like many people would show up to my funeral anyway, no one gives a shit, no one even fucking knows me.
Fucking Mike Gang, you lucky bastard, you got yourself out of this shit hole, why couldn't you bring me with you?
If I could drown myself in alcohol every single day of my life, I would.
Only I don't, for I have too many responsibilities, and not enough time.
I can't understand why I always feel so alone.
I could be in a room full of people, and still feel completely alone.
I feel hopeless, and exhausted.
I'm always exhausted.
I don't even want to go to college, but I have to, I guess.
I'm afraid that college will only make me feel more lonely, more hopeless, more depressed.
I refuse couseling every time it's been offered to me.
I don't want to talk to someone about my life, like anyone could even understand.
I feel stuck, like no one gets it.
It's not normal to think about suicide on a daily basis, and I do.
Only I think I'm too weak. Too weak to leave this world. To weak to take the action.
As much as I'd like to, I just hope I never really get overwhelmed and do it.
People are naturally always trying to "talk you out of it"
"People care, everyone cares even if they don't show it"
Well if they don't show it then why is it worth it?
Why is it worth it if you have to be dead for anyone to wake up and realize?
Maybe I should be dead, who the fuck knows.
I'm so confused.
It's like I'm looking at the world from above, watching everyone live their lives, while I just sit there and soak it all in, wondering why I can't just live my own life in happiness.
"life is what you make it, only you can make yourself happy"
I ask you, HOW? How do I put all of this shit behind me and move on?
How do I not think about how frequently unhappy I am?
It's stuck on my mind and it won't leave, it's like it's haunting me.
It's not like many people would show up to my funeral anyway, no one gives a shit, no one even fucking knows me.
Fucking Mike Gang, you lucky bastard, you got yourself out of this shit hole, why couldn't you bring me with you?