Deepest confessions.
So, I deserve to go to hell. Right now. I haven't told anyone else this except for Amy and a few choice others.
So I went to the movies with my beloved Mike. I should have left. So I'm still dating Jerrad and I'm practically in love with Mike. Grr. So I want to break up with Jerrad but I can't.. I don't know how. But I have to do it myself. So I looked at Mike and I love him. lol He grabbed my hand. And I guess it's not as bad as I make it out to be, but it is. Because I thought I was different, I thought I didn't cheat on people anymore. But the truth of the matter is: I didn't change, I just wanted to so I pushed my imperfection into isolation for a while and told people I was different. I am different, just not in that way. And I hate myself. I mean I cheated on Blaine with Tim and that didn't mean that I was supposed to be with him, and I cheated on Tim with Nolan and that didn't mean that I was supposed to be with him. All this sucks. And I hope you don't hate me now. I just didn't want to lie to myself because when I did that before, it didn't work. It was worse this time because I wanted it to happen. When I was with Tim and all that crap went on, I didn't want it to happen, it just did. But I went to the movies wishing it could happen, and when it did, I didn't stop it. I have to dump Jerrad, grr. Oh funny thing, I didn't want to dump him a week ago because he just got a car and he just got his first job so I was like.. I have to allow him to be happy for a few days. And now he got his braces off and he's real happy.. WHAT?! It's real ironic. And funny. My mom will be angry if I tell her that I dumped Jerrad. Especially for Mike because she's sore that he didn't "pick" me. But I deserved it because I did the same thing to him. Anyway, you're probably thinking ooo holding hands, no big deal. It just felt like a big deal to me because I like Mike SO much and I don't like Jerrad so much. And I feel like I'm hurting him already, and the last thing in the world that I want is to hurt people, anyone.
Well we saw Secret Window and it was a good movie.
*sigh*
Oh, do you think I should tell Jerrad, or should I just dump him? I'm scared, lol