i forgot how to start again.

[xo_amour_xo]

i wasnt allowed to flirt.
i got in trouble for talking to guys.
i got in trouble for hanging out with my guy friends.
i got shit for going to a guy friend for advice.

so i stopped.
and now i forget how...

i dont WANT to have to "get back into that scene", i WANT to have my boyfriend back and him never have lied to me the whole time or have had sex with her.

but i cant have that back. i cant have him and all of him. so i need to try to stop trying. i need to accept that the guy i was, and still am, in love with never TRULY loved me back.

which is like a stab in the heart.

sucks cause its this pain i cant shake and the second im alone it feels like i cant breathe.
not that he cares.

i cant even describe how much it kills to know i loved someone who couldnt love. or doesnt understand what that means. of course, we're so young so i have no idea what love truly means, but i have an idea and i know right from wrong.
and im a DAMN good girlfriend to him.
at least i was.

i have my guy friends right there for me now. honestly some of which i know have feelings for me. but i cant stomach getting with someone without thinking of him.

he can fuck someone though.

i need to stop feeling bad and go for things. he has. why cant i?
i just completely blew off a chance tonight though! and with an inredible friend to me.
what is wrong with me.

i cant believe i let myself get this attached.
this is why i never wanted to.
figures.