(no subject)
raise your hand if you feel like you are going to throw up on all of the beautiful flowers.
i am feeling pretty much like a huge ass pile of poo cakes. a lot of the grossness i have inside right now is guilt. i feel like a horried person and a dissapointment as a daughter and a person. today was our fourth of july cookout and i didnt go. i had to work seven to seven, so its not really my fault. i know my dad wont be happy about it. i never told him i wasnt going. i havent talked to him since we went out to dinner. and he is upset. my mom says its ok if im mad, hurt or upset at him. and she told me its ok if i dont want to talk to him right now. it doesnt feel ok. im not good at confronting people and i just dont really want to talk to him. i have reasons, valid or not that doesnt matter. blah. my mom seems to be doing better. but im afraid that when i go back to school all that betterness will start to fade. so i actully feel guitly for going back to school and i am still home for another two months. and kevin tells me about how he gets drunk and doesnt remember things. im not worried, i trust him. i just wish i could be there. im so torn. its been meantioned that im going to spend winter break at school and my mom brought it up the other day and was like, so you wont be home blah blah blah. not in a guilt trip way. i love my mom. how would i break the news to her if i wanted to stay up there all next summer. it would break her heart. ah. ok i didnt mean to rant about this. i didnt really want to write about it at all. i talked to geof about it..kinda. not really. but he knows. it feels good to have someone else in on it. and he is so sincere about it. its just the history we have. he seems so involved even though he is barely involved in my life anymore. which i hate. a lot of things felt right on the fourth and a lot of things felt wrong. i often have these huge urges where i feel i need to be comforted. just in the way where i want someone to sit with or hug. i love my friends. woah ranting much. enough already right.
xoxo
geez
i am feeling pretty much like a huge ass pile of poo cakes. a lot of the grossness i have inside right now is guilt. i feel like a horried person and a dissapointment as a daughter and a person. today was our fourth of july cookout and i didnt go. i had to work seven to seven, so its not really my fault. i know my dad wont be happy about it. i never told him i wasnt going. i havent talked to him since we went out to dinner. and he is upset. my mom says its ok if im mad, hurt or upset at him. and she told me its ok if i dont want to talk to him right now. it doesnt feel ok. im not good at confronting people and i just dont really want to talk to him. i have reasons, valid or not that doesnt matter. blah. my mom seems to be doing better. but im afraid that when i go back to school all that betterness will start to fade. so i actully feel guitly for going back to school and i am still home for another two months. and kevin tells me about how he gets drunk and doesnt remember things. im not worried, i trust him. i just wish i could be there. im so torn. its been meantioned that im going to spend winter break at school and my mom brought it up the other day and was like, so you wont be home blah blah blah. not in a guilt trip way. i love my mom. how would i break the news to her if i wanted to stay up there all next summer. it would break her heart. ah. ok i didnt mean to rant about this. i didnt really want to write about it at all. i talked to geof about it..kinda. not really. but he knows. it feels good to have someone else in on it. and he is so sincere about it. its just the history we have. he seems so involved even though he is barely involved in my life anymore. which i hate. a lot of things felt right on the fourth and a lot of things felt wrong. i often have these huge urges where i feel i need to be comforted. just in the way where i want someone to sit with or hug. i love my friends. woah ranting much. enough already right.
xoxo
geez