living like a fairtale the mighty king of avondale
i knew the summer was going to be long and i knew it was going to be hardly bearable before i even got home. i could of never guessed it was going to be this bad. seeing everyone i had missed has been great. and thats pretty much all i have to look forward to for the rest of this long summer. but even when im with them i have a strange feeling of detachment. somehow i dont belong in their world anymore. its been a long year of school and a lot has changed. this life, in my room with bright green walls and alarms set for 6:30, it all seems so old. so routine, it makes me tired. i have been living this life for nineteen long years and i am ready for a change. for awhile school was that change i needed. now that its over everything is back to the way its always been. work everyday, in a job i know like the back of my hand. a job i know i love, with people who have been nothing but great to me. my third summer in the same job that i know i couldnt be without. because i know how much change scares me. no matter how drastic or how small. i almost wish i had taken a job in plymouth and lived there. it was all so possible. but i couldnt do it. something was holding me back, it was nothing but my own hand, the feeling that i was obligated to come home to live the same summer over again. i tell myself this is the last time and i hope im not lying to myself. i hope that all of me and rachaels late night talks of apartments and summer jobs at phop arent just wishful thoughts. kevin came down this weekend. i never wanted him to leave or i wanted so badly to go back with him. i am so glad, so lucky, that i found him. he is like that little piece of something that i have to hold onto when id rather be letting go. nothing but absolutely perfect to and for me. the hour distance might as well be days away without any way of getting there. i dont mean to be so pessimistic when i have always rated being optimistic so high. but its hard, sitting in my room in an empty house that is even empty when people are home. its hard coming home to a house that used to be different.
xoxo
xoxo