I am home..
I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand I am happy, to be at work, to sleep in my bed, to see my friends and family. Family. That’s funny. To say the least things are not going well at home. And honestly, it makes me utterly miserable. When I talked to my mom I was crying uncontrollably. And that is not an exaggeration. I told mouse about it and cried more. I woke up the next morning and my eyes were red and swollen. Seeing my mom, her face looks so tired, it breaks my heart. I don’t want her going through anything painful; I would rather it be me by any means. Being who I am I feel I have already taken on the motherly role in my house, and I have only been home for two days. I feel I need to do more, I need to be the one holding it together. I don’t think I can do it all summer though. I’m just not that strong. The smiles are all a joke, the laughing my clever plan of covering it all up. My way of hiding that I am dying inside. I don’t want to be here, but at the same time feel I am obligated, I could never leave. I can hardly eat and I am almost constantly on the verge of breaking down. I am not looking for sympathy, not in the least, I know that no one really reads this and I need a way to express how I am actually feeling. I am not just letting this roll off my back, not this time. Even though I am trying desperately to. And I miss Kevin, that doesn’t make things any easier. I feel like I am lying to him in a way. Saying that things are fine and being all smiles when we talk. I don’t think I want to drag him into this though, and if I do tell him then it wont be detailed. Which would make me feel like I was lying even more. One good thing to come out of everything, my sister and mom are talking again. And that’s good. I can’t think of a time where the tears came more easily than they do now. I honestly don’t even know why, it sucks and I hate it but why does all this affect me so much right now. My mom said I could see a councilor if I wanted to. I don’t. I have a hard enough time telling myself how I feel, not to mention telling someone who we are paying by the hour. Someone who doesn’t even know, doesn’t even really care. It all just seems ridiculous. I wouldn’t want to waste their or my time with it. To some extent I blame my dad. I know I shouldn’t and I feel awful doing it. But if only he wasn’t so stubborn, so hard headed in situations like this. I have no right to judge, because I have no idea what he is going through right now. And I cry for him too because I don’t know if he can cry for himself. To sum it all up. I have never felt more miserable in a place I love so much.