(no subject)
Alright. I had a really bad week. Misty reached right in and pulled every single heart string I had left before spending the next week snapping and breaking every single one of them. I have to come to understand the things that have been taken from me are gone and try to get over them. Start anew. I will never get to see the child I nurtured with love, attention, care, intelligence, fun, and imagination for three years grow up. I'll never get to see him again. He won't know me, love me, remember me, or care about me. The girl I gave three years of my life to, shared a million beautiful words, memories, orgasms, beautiful kisses, jokes, first experiences with...doesn't love me. She won't again and can't. My family, my future, my plans, my dreams, everything I was living for, fighting for, suffering for, sacrificing for, and dying for. All of that is gone.
It's far easier when you genuinely don't care. Ask her. She knows.
I've never been so miserable to be right ever. Everything that would have been amazing, I was wrong about. And everything terrible and poisonous and empty and sick, I was dead on. And I knew it the whole time. I gave my heart to an illusion. A romantic illusion. And I've done it so many times. Maybe there IS no beautiful angels deep inside the darkest of people. Maybe people are filled with darkness because they're just dark, empty, damaged people. Maybe there's just nothing I can do about it. Maybe romance is a child's illusion? The one I seem to have the most trouble letting go of. Maybe I've seen too many movies, heard too many songs, read too many books, listened to too many stories...
Who knows.
Well, I'm going to focus. I'm going to dedicate every day off I have to doing something towards fixing my house and life up. One bit at a time. The warmer weather is starting to beat away some of the depression that's been eating my soul away. Seeing the sun is refreshing.
Sigh. I just wish I had more help. I need confidence, love, strength, focus.
It's far easier when you genuinely don't care. Ask her. She knows.
I've never been so miserable to be right ever. Everything that would have been amazing, I was wrong about. And everything terrible and poisonous and empty and sick, I was dead on. And I knew it the whole time. I gave my heart to an illusion. A romantic illusion. And I've done it so many times. Maybe there IS no beautiful angels deep inside the darkest of people. Maybe people are filled with darkness because they're just dark, empty, damaged people. Maybe there's just nothing I can do about it. Maybe romance is a child's illusion? The one I seem to have the most trouble letting go of. Maybe I've seen too many movies, heard too many songs, read too many books, listened to too many stories...
Who knows.
Well, I'm going to focus. I'm going to dedicate every day off I have to doing something towards fixing my house and life up. One bit at a time. The warmer weather is starting to beat away some of the depression that's been eating my soul away. Seeing the sun is refreshing.
Sigh. I just wish I had more help. I need confidence, love, strength, focus.