When I saw the break of day, I wished that I could fly away...
This entry ICly locked to Xavier friends only.
Note: If you're in a good mood, I recommend you skip this entry. 8 on the Quark Angst Richter scale.
It's nothing Jean did wrong when I talked to her last night...it's just the way I feel.
How do I feel? In a word...lost.
I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't have that sense of direction I've always thought I had. All my life after discovering I'm a mutant, I've thought that my future would include using my powers for improving the world somehow. As much of a cliché as it may seem, the idea of being a 'superhero' in that sense always seemed like such a higher calling: to be helping out mutantkind as a whole, to use my powers to help prevent further crime and prove to the world that mutants aren't as bad as everyone might think...That's what I've always thought my life might be meant for. That's what I've always felt my destiny was, as cliché as that may sound as well.
Now, that destiny has become the sun just beyond the horizon: highly appealing, but equally impossible to reach and useless to try. My 'destiny' has been naught but a naïve, quixotic dream.
...Looking back at the past of my LJ, I wish so many of my entries didn't have to be so depressing and full of angst, but this is one of my better ways to vent. I can't help but feel this way, and to reiterate, this is not your fault, Jean. All I can 'blame' you for is allowing me to see reality...I just wish reality didn't have to be so harsh.
I know I shouldn't be complaining about a future career in science; it's the way I think, how I study the world. I know that viewing the possibility of eventually attending a graduate school in medicine, biology, or chemistry would be an honor, as well as result in a well-paying job I like...but right now, it just doesn't seem right.
To the staff: Please don't think I'm trying to make this into a guilt trip just so I can 'earn' the right to have formal DR and combat lessons, because that's not what I'm doing here. As much as I would greatly enjoy it, I don't want to force anyone into giving me such priveledges just because I complained about it. If I were to earn such a right, I want it because the staff as a whole feels that I am responsible, hard-working, enduring, persevering, and most importantly ready. I can promise that I would pursue such a goal with adamance, but it is not my decision. To be honest, I'm glad it isn't...perhaps this way I will be more sensitive to what my purpose in life is.
Jean, last night you told me that you went off to a university and even medical school before coming back to join the team. I commend you, and I hope that I could have such patience even if that team is not meant to be part of my future.
But you did come back.
<> Lab/Medbay - LvB2
Walls are sterile white and surfaces gleam in polished stainless steel, the large room a vision of cool science tinged with the faint medical smell of antiseptic and filled with the soft whirring of autoclaves, refrigeration units, and various medical scanners and devices. Four hospital beds are present near the entrance, curtains rigged to allow for privacy, but pulled back when not in use. In shielded alcoves off the back wall are the resident doctor's pride and joy: A full-body X-Ray machine, as well as an MRI unit and other heavy-duty imagery equipment. Between the alcoves, through a thick glass window, a small operating theatre can be glimpsed. In the lab section, an electron microscope and a pair of gene-sequencers take place of pride, glassware and smaller equipment kept securely locked away in the cabinets underneath and above the work surfaces.
[Exits : [H]allway ]
[Players : Jean ]
Quark enters the medbay with a yawn, tired after another day of his new job--and even more so from trying to fit in such a job between school classes. Ick. Therefore, Quark smells decidedly coffee-ish as he enters the medbay, and he still has his uniform on--including cool-looking hat and nifty "Hello. My name is Chris" nametag. Coincidentally, he even has coffee with him--two nice, cold frappuccinos on a somewhat hot day. Although the weather has probably made it slightly colder lately...but hey, cold coffee is good all year long! He spots the doctor on the job and strolls over, eyes scanning the medbay as he walks for his friend that was rumored to be here. As he walks up, he manages a wave with a coffee-filled hand and smiles, "Good evening! Want some caffeine? They say it increases the rate of production of endorphins," he winks and jokes. Looking around, he adds in, "So, do you know if Carolyn is still here? I read something on Forge's LJ, but...?"
"Professor Forge has been keeping an eye on her," Jean replies absently, reading glasses perched on her nose, and her focus on the computer screen in front of her as she sits at her desk, typing up reports on something or another. "And that'd be great. Just got off work?" she wonders, looking up over the rim of the glasses to take in the coffee and the nametag.
Quark nods and smiles triumphantly, moving his hand so his nifty "Hello. My name is Chris" nametag ^_^ is more noticeable. "Yep! Actually, I realized that I needed some extra income, so I managed to arrange for a job serving at Starbucks between my classes. I always liked coffee from there, and since there are so many in the city..." He waves a hyper, caffeinated hand in a motion that implies something along the lines of, 'After that, it just seemed to make sense.' He nods at the comment about Forge and repeats, correcting himself, "Yes, -Professor- Forge. Keep forgetting he works here now..." He hands her the other caramel frap with a cheerful smile, adding a joking, "Thank you for stopping at Starbucks! Please stop by again."
Jean slides her glasses back up her nose with a touch of her index finger, and accepts the coffee with a smile. "Sounds like you've been well trained. So, it's working out for you all right? Not giving you another excuse to avoid a social life, or anything like that?" Her tone is light, and the majority of her attention remains glued to her work, but to think that means that Jean isn't listening to the reply to her questions would be a grave miscalculation.
Quark nods and takes another sip of his own coffee, but coughs slightly with a small grin on his face at her second comment. "I'm not -that- bad, am I? I mean, I know I tend to avoid talking a bit, but...well, I needed the money." He sighs, and realizes how much of that last part sounded like a whine of an excuse to defend his reason for working. Bah. And no, Quark knows that Jean is still paying attention to him: obviously, he's just far too interesting to ignore! ^_^ "Actually, I used some of my extra pocket cash to buy a bokuten--at least, I think that's what Noren called it--off of the Internet the other day. It's a wooden practice sword shaped like a real Japanese katana, correct length and all. I'm trying to teach myself, but it's harder than the movies make it look," he comments dryly. Pondering in a moment of silence, he takes another sip of caramel frapp delight and asks Jean as he looks in her direction again with a curious smile, "Does Professor Logan have some experience in the Japanese katana? I've heard some mention of samurai, but..." Again, the hyper hand wave, this time something like, 'Not to say I listen to rumors.' See, he knows sign-language! :)
"Mhmm?" replies Jean, nibbling thoughtfully at her lower lip and turning aside to riffle through a stack of patient records, before she finds the bit of data she was looking for, and tapping that into her report, with a reference. "Well, just remember that it's all right to be social, and that's as important a part of high school as your grades." She takes an absent sip of her own coffee creation, and then give a nod. "He owns a set, actually. Wakasashi and daisho, or however it's pronounced. Gave myself a hell of a sliced finger one morning when he was still asleep and I was curious."
Quark nods and grins, unable to help but feel like he's getting that lecture again about how academics and social life must be properly balanced. Of course, it doesn't help much that he actually -is- getting that talk again. Well, that's what he gets for being a non-social nerd. :-P Shrugging, he replies, "I understand, Professor. I still get some social activities in my busy schedule, too--I mean, you could ask Noren if you like." He blinks and grins, adding somewhat hastily with a roll of his eyes, "And -no-, I do not mean -that-." He ooohs at the mention of an entire katana set, replying to that, "I believe it's a wakizashi and a daisho, yes. And as for cutting yourself...I never knew you were -curious- to top it all off, too!" He grins again in sarcasm. Hehe...
Jean will just keep delivering that lecture until it sinks in, apparently. Clatter, clatter, clatter goes her keyboard, occasionally typing away with no hands on it at all as she nurses her coffee from time to time. "Good. You do that. And no, I don't mean -that-." she smirks crookedly. "But yes, curiousity wounded the Phoenix... but it answers your question about Logan. Not only does he know them, he keeps them honed."
Quark nods and takes a sip of his coffee, the coffee pausing once halfway on its way to his mouth as he blinks in realization that the keys are moving without being hit. Doh. Taking a sip, he grins and murmurs, "You need to teach me that trick..." Too bad he's not telekinetic. Another impressive oooh at the mention of keeping them honed, and Quark can't help but reply with an enthusiastic nod, "Historians say that a samurai's katana was so fine-tuned and honed that in the times of feudal Japan, a single strike could cut off major limbs, impale an enemy, or even"--another popular hand sign language, representing the quick slice across the neck--"remove his head. Yummy." He takes another sip of his coffee, pondering if now might be a bad time to bring up the subject of Xavier students and them being ready for combat lessons...hmm. Of course, he blinks and sighs as he realizes that by the time that open-ended thought has entered his head, it's most definitely reached the talented telepath's as well (try saying that 10 times fast...). With that in mind, he shrugs and figures...oh, what the heck. "So..." he begins, not sure how to bring it up. "...What must a student at this school do to prove to his or her professors that he or she is ready for...errmm...combat lessons?" Blink blink, ponder-ponder wink?
Jean isn't actually tuned into the psychic radio of the mansion, so Quark's musings are his own until he chooses to share them. Which, of course, he does. She glances up from her screen at that, glasses sliding down her nose once more, and replies cautiously that "You do realize that we are -not- churning out some secret mutant army, and that we would be much happier if more of our students decided they wanted to try to integrate into society, instead of lurk, Batman-like, in the shadows and the high heights. But there's nothing you can really do to prove yourself," she relents enough to answer the question. "Just be responsible, and if we think you're the sort we're looking for, we'll talk to you. Unless you're just talking about self-defense training, which I was fairly sure you were already taking with Professor Logan...?"
Quark nods slowly and looks down at that, sip of almost-empty coffee glass hiding his expression. He doesn't exactly look angry...just disappointed, is all. No matter how Jean might be able to explain it, he can't help but think the thought: "If Jubilee and some of the others in my class have been given the right to do that stuff, why can't I?" He knows he shouldn't be jealous of being able to do that, but something deeper within his soul seems to make him think that doing that sort of training--of the official, secret, non-common sort--might somehow make him feel more...useful, in a sense. Capable of helping the world. Shrugging, he replies, "Yes, Professor Logan and I have been trying to arrange some things, but being as busy as I am with school and stuff...I think we'll be able to better work something out for the summer, once school is over. Assuming he won't be that busy, though...but we'll see." Be responsible? He's responsible...!
Jean gives Quark a little smile, sensing the tumble of his emotions, but notes that "I know nothing I say will really make you feel better. But I think we'd waste you if we made you a teen soldier, Chris. You've got so much potential in other areas... you realize I went off to university and medical school before I came back and took my place on the team, hmm?" But that's all Jean offers on that, knowing that, telepath though she is, there's some things that people have to just work out for themselves. "Well, I'll see if I can't schedule for one of his organized self-defence classes. How's that?"
Quark shrugs at that, looking at his coffee as he takes the last sip. Darn...that was good. Smiling slightly, "That's not necessarily true, Professor...I can think of a few times when something you said definitely made me feel better." However, in this case, she is partially right. He does appreciate that compliment about his character and potential, but he still doesn't know what he really wants in terms of his career. Taking a seat facing Jean's desk to rest his legs, he comments thoughtfully, "You know, I was watching the season finale of E.R. the other night...There was this part where Neela, my favorite doctor-to-be on the show, voiced her feelings to someone at med school about how she didn't know what she wanted to do with her life because she didn't know what felt right to her personally. That's what it's like for me, now...The idea of a science field, or possibly even the medical field, does interest me. But for some reason, there's this feeling inside that makes me positively know that somehow being able to use my powers for good, for such a 'secret army' if that's what you'd call it...doing that would make me feel better. Like...I'd be accomplishing a personal goal of helping out mutant society as a whole, completing a part of my purpose in life." He shrugs aimlessly, adding, "I don't know how to put it. I just know that doing this thing would really help me help others, which I can presume isn't -too- far off of what my life might be meant for."
"Chris..." Jean sighs, dropping her head and rubbing gently at her temples. "Look, I appreciate how you're feeling, but there's more than one way of doing that. In any case, Jubilee and Kitty and Drake and the rest didn't ask -us-, we asked -them-." In terms about as blunt as Jean ever gets (Which, really, isn't very.) she attempts to settle the discussion. "Look, not every way of doing good involves kicking ass and taking names. In fact, that's a last resort. I feel I made -much- more progress taking part in a debate with Roger Lowe than I did tangling with Toad."
Quark nods slowly and sighs again, but for a different reason this time. "I had to work that night, but I hear he was pretty interesting. How was that?" Yes, he understands Jean's reasoning. Yes, he respects her and what she believes. But does that mean he just isn't -allowed- to do anything in those aspects? Part of him wants to just give up now and completely forget he's a mutant just so he won't have to deal with this issues, another part wants to jump up and down and ask why things have to be that way...as for the rest of him, well, he's just totally confused. Go figure. Shrugging again, the caffeine possibly starting to wear off, he ponders for a moment and mentions, "And yes, to answer your earlier question, I would love if you'd schedule me for some of Professor Logan's organized self-defence classes. I just wanted to make sure I can fit it in somehow without messing it up or missing a bunch. I'd talk to him myself, but I can't say I've made that personal relationship with him like I have with some of the other teachers here. He just seems a bit...hard to reach, I guess." He shrugs again. Oh well...that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Jean sighs, glances at Quark, but isn't to be moved from something that's not her sole decision to make. "Chris... if you're going to be conflicted, I can understand it. But... would you mind if I took my leave of you?" she asks. "I can hear your thoughts, they're pretty strongly emotionally resonant, and it doesn't make it any easier on me to have to stick to my guns on this when I'm left feeling like I've kicked a puppy." A wry smile, and she stands and gathers her paper. "Thanks for the coffee?"
Quark blinks again and sighs, shaking his head at himself for being stupid. "No, it's not your fault. I'm sorry...I just can't help feeling conflicting thoughts when I'm in a conflict. I'm not asking you to make a decision or anything, or trying to persuade you into making the decision. I just...don't know what to do, really." Again, he shrugs, but then stands up with a small smile, shaking his head directly to Jean this time and adding, "Anyway, please, you don't have to go. If I'm bothering you, I'll just leave you alone. I don't want you to have to feel guilty...I just want to feel. I wanted to ask the question because I really don't know how I feel about it, and I was hoping talking about it with someone who knows what it's like to be on such a team would help me get some more insight into it." He nods and also adds, "And yes, you're welcome for the coffee. Free on me, please. I get a discount anyway," he grins. "So, yeah...you don't have to go, I will." With that, he waves with a sincere smile and turns towards the exit, disappearing in a *poof* of smoke and light, hopefully before Jean has a chance to leave so he doesn't have to feel guilty about forcing her to leave her own lab. Because that would most likely make him feel pretty bad...
In a small burst of light and a mini cloud of smoke, Quark disappears into thin air.
OOC: Ah, yes, fun teenageer mutant angst. However, I must clarify something. It came to my attention yesterday that the metaposing in my roleplaying tactics might be implying something OOCly, and I wanted to specify something. From an OOC standing, I am not trying to imply in any way that I, the player, desperately want Quark the character to become a junior member of the X-Team. Yes, I think it would be fun, and Quark the character desperately does want to join that team, but I the player am not trying to force it. Please, when reading my poses, do not think that I am trying to make anyone feel OOCly guilty for not being able to allow Quark the character ICly join the team...because that's not what I want. I use the metaposing within my poses to show what Quark might be feeling or thinking, hopefully allowing the reader to sympathize with my character and make him feel more real. Those metaposes should not be treated as an OOC whine on my behalf. Just thought I'd clear that up. :-) Enjoy!
Note: If you're in a good mood, I recommend you skip this entry. 8 on the Quark Angst Richter scale.
It's nothing Jean did wrong when I talked to her last night...it's just the way I feel.
How do I feel? In a word...lost.
I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't have that sense of direction I've always thought I had. All my life after discovering I'm a mutant, I've thought that my future would include using my powers for improving the world somehow. As much of a cliché as it may seem, the idea of being a 'superhero' in that sense always seemed like such a higher calling: to be helping out mutantkind as a whole, to use my powers to help prevent further crime and prove to the world that mutants aren't as bad as everyone might think...That's what I've always thought my life might be meant for. That's what I've always felt my destiny was, as cliché as that may sound as well.
Now, that destiny has become the sun just beyond the horizon: highly appealing, but equally impossible to reach and useless to try. My 'destiny' has been naught but a naïve, quixotic dream.
...Looking back at the past of my LJ, I wish so many of my entries didn't have to be so depressing and full of angst, but this is one of my better ways to vent. I can't help but feel this way, and to reiterate, this is not your fault, Jean. All I can 'blame' you for is allowing me to see reality...I just wish reality didn't have to be so harsh.
I know I shouldn't be complaining about a future career in science; it's the way I think, how I study the world. I know that viewing the possibility of eventually attending a graduate school in medicine, biology, or chemistry would be an honor, as well as result in a well-paying job I like...but right now, it just doesn't seem right.
To the staff: Please don't think I'm trying to make this into a guilt trip just so I can 'earn' the right to have formal DR and combat lessons, because that's not what I'm doing here. As much as I would greatly enjoy it, I don't want to force anyone into giving me such priveledges just because I complained about it. If I were to earn such a right, I want it because the staff as a whole feels that I am responsible, hard-working, enduring, persevering, and most importantly ready. I can promise that I would pursue such a goal with adamance, but it is not my decision. To be honest, I'm glad it isn't...perhaps this way I will be more sensitive to what my purpose in life is.
Jean, last night you told me that you went off to a university and even medical school before coming back to join the team. I commend you, and I hope that I could have such patience even if that team is not meant to be part of my future.
But you did come back.
<> Lab/Medbay - LvB2
Walls are sterile white and surfaces gleam in polished stainless steel, the large room a vision of cool science tinged with the faint medical smell of antiseptic and filled with the soft whirring of autoclaves, refrigeration units, and various medical scanners and devices. Four hospital beds are present near the entrance, curtains rigged to allow for privacy, but pulled back when not in use. In shielded alcoves off the back wall are the resident doctor's pride and joy: A full-body X-Ray machine, as well as an MRI unit and other heavy-duty imagery equipment. Between the alcoves, through a thick glass window, a small operating theatre can be glimpsed. In the lab section, an electron microscope and a pair of gene-sequencers take place of pride, glassware and smaller equipment kept securely locked away in the cabinets underneath and above the work surfaces.
[Exits : [H]allway ]
[Players : Jean ]
Quark enters the medbay with a yawn, tired after another day of his new job--and even more so from trying to fit in such a job between school classes. Ick. Therefore, Quark smells decidedly coffee-ish as he enters the medbay, and he still has his uniform on--including cool-looking hat and nifty "Hello. My name is Chris" nametag. Coincidentally, he even has coffee with him--two nice, cold frappuccinos on a somewhat hot day. Although the weather has probably made it slightly colder lately...but hey, cold coffee is good all year long! He spots the doctor on the job and strolls over, eyes scanning the medbay as he walks for his friend that was rumored to be here. As he walks up, he manages a wave with a coffee-filled hand and smiles, "Good evening! Want some caffeine? They say it increases the rate of production of endorphins," he winks and jokes. Looking around, he adds in, "So, do you know if Carolyn is still here? I read something on Forge's LJ, but...?"
"Professor Forge has been keeping an eye on her," Jean replies absently, reading glasses perched on her nose, and her focus on the computer screen in front of her as she sits at her desk, typing up reports on something or another. "And that'd be great. Just got off work?" she wonders, looking up over the rim of the glasses to take in the coffee and the nametag.
Quark nods and smiles triumphantly, moving his hand so his nifty "Hello. My name is Chris" nametag ^_^ is more noticeable. "Yep! Actually, I realized that I needed some extra income, so I managed to arrange for a job serving at Starbucks between my classes. I always liked coffee from there, and since there are so many in the city..." He waves a hyper, caffeinated hand in a motion that implies something along the lines of, 'After that, it just seemed to make sense.' He nods at the comment about Forge and repeats, correcting himself, "Yes, -Professor- Forge. Keep forgetting he works here now..." He hands her the other caramel frap with a cheerful smile, adding a joking, "Thank you for stopping at Starbucks! Please stop by again."
Jean slides her glasses back up her nose with a touch of her index finger, and accepts the coffee with a smile. "Sounds like you've been well trained. So, it's working out for you all right? Not giving you another excuse to avoid a social life, or anything like that?" Her tone is light, and the majority of her attention remains glued to her work, but to think that means that Jean isn't listening to the reply to her questions would be a grave miscalculation.
Quark nods and takes another sip of his own coffee, but coughs slightly with a small grin on his face at her second comment. "I'm not -that- bad, am I? I mean, I know I tend to avoid talking a bit, but...well, I needed the money." He sighs, and realizes how much of that last part sounded like a whine of an excuse to defend his reason for working. Bah. And no, Quark knows that Jean is still paying attention to him: obviously, he's just far too interesting to ignore! ^_^ "Actually, I used some of my extra pocket cash to buy a bokuten--at least, I think that's what Noren called it--off of the Internet the other day. It's a wooden practice sword shaped like a real Japanese katana, correct length and all. I'm trying to teach myself, but it's harder than the movies make it look," he comments dryly. Pondering in a moment of silence, he takes another sip of caramel frapp delight and asks Jean as he looks in her direction again with a curious smile, "Does Professor Logan have some experience in the Japanese katana? I've heard some mention of samurai, but..." Again, the hyper hand wave, this time something like, 'Not to say I listen to rumors.' See, he knows sign-language! :)
"Mhmm?" replies Jean, nibbling thoughtfully at her lower lip and turning aside to riffle through a stack of patient records, before she finds the bit of data she was looking for, and tapping that into her report, with a reference. "Well, just remember that it's all right to be social, and that's as important a part of high school as your grades." She takes an absent sip of her own coffee creation, and then give a nod. "He owns a set, actually. Wakasashi and daisho, or however it's pronounced. Gave myself a hell of a sliced finger one morning when he was still asleep and I was curious."
Quark nods and grins, unable to help but feel like he's getting that lecture again about how academics and social life must be properly balanced. Of course, it doesn't help much that he actually -is- getting that talk again. Well, that's what he gets for being a non-social nerd. :-P Shrugging, he replies, "I understand, Professor. I still get some social activities in my busy schedule, too--I mean, you could ask Noren if you like." He blinks and grins, adding somewhat hastily with a roll of his eyes, "And -no-, I do not mean -that-." He ooohs at the mention of an entire katana set, replying to that, "I believe it's a wakizashi and a daisho, yes. And as for cutting yourself...I never knew you were -curious- to top it all off, too!" He grins again in sarcasm. Hehe...
Jean will just keep delivering that lecture until it sinks in, apparently. Clatter, clatter, clatter goes her keyboard, occasionally typing away with no hands on it at all as she nurses her coffee from time to time. "Good. You do that. And no, I don't mean -that-." she smirks crookedly. "But yes, curiousity wounded the Phoenix... but it answers your question about Logan. Not only does he know them, he keeps them honed."
Quark nods and takes a sip of his coffee, the coffee pausing once halfway on its way to his mouth as he blinks in realization that the keys are moving without being hit. Doh. Taking a sip, he grins and murmurs, "You need to teach me that trick..." Too bad he's not telekinetic. Another impressive oooh at the mention of keeping them honed, and Quark can't help but reply with an enthusiastic nod, "Historians say that a samurai's katana was so fine-tuned and honed that in the times of feudal Japan, a single strike could cut off major limbs, impale an enemy, or even"--another popular hand sign language, representing the quick slice across the neck--"remove his head. Yummy." He takes another sip of his coffee, pondering if now might be a bad time to bring up the subject of Xavier students and them being ready for combat lessons...hmm. Of course, he blinks and sighs as he realizes that by the time that open-ended thought has entered his head, it's most definitely reached the talented telepath's as well (try saying that 10 times fast...). With that in mind, he shrugs and figures...oh, what the heck. "So..." he begins, not sure how to bring it up. "...What must a student at this school do to prove to his or her professors that he or she is ready for...errmm...combat lessons?" Blink blink, ponder-ponder wink?
Jean isn't actually tuned into the psychic radio of the mansion, so Quark's musings are his own until he chooses to share them. Which, of course, he does. She glances up from her screen at that, glasses sliding down her nose once more, and replies cautiously that "You do realize that we are -not- churning out some secret mutant army, and that we would be much happier if more of our students decided they wanted to try to integrate into society, instead of lurk, Batman-like, in the shadows and the high heights. But there's nothing you can really do to prove yourself," she relents enough to answer the question. "Just be responsible, and if we think you're the sort we're looking for, we'll talk to you. Unless you're just talking about self-defense training, which I was fairly sure you were already taking with Professor Logan...?"
Quark nods slowly and looks down at that, sip of almost-empty coffee glass hiding his expression. He doesn't exactly look angry...just disappointed, is all. No matter how Jean might be able to explain it, he can't help but think the thought: "If Jubilee and some of the others in my class have been given the right to do that stuff, why can't I?" He knows he shouldn't be jealous of being able to do that, but something deeper within his soul seems to make him think that doing that sort of training--of the official, secret, non-common sort--might somehow make him feel more...useful, in a sense. Capable of helping the world. Shrugging, he replies, "Yes, Professor Logan and I have been trying to arrange some things, but being as busy as I am with school and stuff...I think we'll be able to better work something out for the summer, once school is over. Assuming he won't be that busy, though...but we'll see." Be responsible? He's responsible...!
Jean gives Quark a little smile, sensing the tumble of his emotions, but notes that "I know nothing I say will really make you feel better. But I think we'd waste you if we made you a teen soldier, Chris. You've got so much potential in other areas... you realize I went off to university and medical school before I came back and took my place on the team, hmm?" But that's all Jean offers on that, knowing that, telepath though she is, there's some things that people have to just work out for themselves. "Well, I'll see if I can't schedule for one of his organized self-defence classes. How's that?"
Quark shrugs at that, looking at his coffee as he takes the last sip. Darn...that was good. Smiling slightly, "That's not necessarily true, Professor...I can think of a few times when something you said definitely made me feel better." However, in this case, she is partially right. He does appreciate that compliment about his character and potential, but he still doesn't know what he really wants in terms of his career. Taking a seat facing Jean's desk to rest his legs, he comments thoughtfully, "You know, I was watching the season finale of E.R. the other night...There was this part where Neela, my favorite doctor-to-be on the show, voiced her feelings to someone at med school about how she didn't know what she wanted to do with her life because she didn't know what felt right to her personally. That's what it's like for me, now...The idea of a science field, or possibly even the medical field, does interest me. But for some reason, there's this feeling inside that makes me positively know that somehow being able to use my powers for good, for such a 'secret army' if that's what you'd call it...doing that would make me feel better. Like...I'd be accomplishing a personal goal of helping out mutant society as a whole, completing a part of my purpose in life." He shrugs aimlessly, adding, "I don't know how to put it. I just know that doing this thing would really help me help others, which I can presume isn't -too- far off of what my life might be meant for."
"Chris..." Jean sighs, dropping her head and rubbing gently at her temples. "Look, I appreciate how you're feeling, but there's more than one way of doing that. In any case, Jubilee and Kitty and Drake and the rest didn't ask -us-, we asked -them-." In terms about as blunt as Jean ever gets (Which, really, isn't very.) she attempts to settle the discussion. "Look, not every way of doing good involves kicking ass and taking names. In fact, that's a last resort. I feel I made -much- more progress taking part in a debate with Roger Lowe than I did tangling with Toad."
Quark nods slowly and sighs again, but for a different reason this time. "I had to work that night, but I hear he was pretty interesting. How was that?" Yes, he understands Jean's reasoning. Yes, he respects her and what she believes. But does that mean he just isn't -allowed- to do anything in those aspects? Part of him wants to just give up now and completely forget he's a mutant just so he won't have to deal with this issues, another part wants to jump up and down and ask why things have to be that way...as for the rest of him, well, he's just totally confused. Go figure. Shrugging again, the caffeine possibly starting to wear off, he ponders for a moment and mentions, "And yes, to answer your earlier question, I would love if you'd schedule me for some of Professor Logan's organized self-defence classes. I just wanted to make sure I can fit it in somehow without messing it up or missing a bunch. I'd talk to him myself, but I can't say I've made that personal relationship with him like I have with some of the other teachers here. He just seems a bit...hard to reach, I guess." He shrugs again. Oh well...that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Jean sighs, glances at Quark, but isn't to be moved from something that's not her sole decision to make. "Chris... if you're going to be conflicted, I can understand it. But... would you mind if I took my leave of you?" she asks. "I can hear your thoughts, they're pretty strongly emotionally resonant, and it doesn't make it any easier on me to have to stick to my guns on this when I'm left feeling like I've kicked a puppy." A wry smile, and she stands and gathers her paper. "Thanks for the coffee?"
Quark blinks again and sighs, shaking his head at himself for being stupid. "No, it's not your fault. I'm sorry...I just can't help feeling conflicting thoughts when I'm in a conflict. I'm not asking you to make a decision or anything, or trying to persuade you into making the decision. I just...don't know what to do, really." Again, he shrugs, but then stands up with a small smile, shaking his head directly to Jean this time and adding, "Anyway, please, you don't have to go. If I'm bothering you, I'll just leave you alone. I don't want you to have to feel guilty...I just want to feel. I wanted to ask the question because I really don't know how I feel about it, and I was hoping talking about it with someone who knows what it's like to be on such a team would help me get some more insight into it." He nods and also adds, "And yes, you're welcome for the coffee. Free on me, please. I get a discount anyway," he grins. "So, yeah...you don't have to go, I will." With that, he waves with a sincere smile and turns towards the exit, disappearing in a *poof* of smoke and light, hopefully before Jean has a chance to leave so he doesn't have to feel guilty about forcing her to leave her own lab. Because that would most likely make him feel pretty bad...
In a small burst of light and a mini cloud of smoke, Quark disappears into thin air.
OOC: Ah, yes, fun teenageer mutant angst. However, I must clarify something. It came to my attention yesterday that the metaposing in my roleplaying tactics might be implying something OOCly, and I wanted to specify something. From an OOC standing, I am not trying to imply in any way that I, the player, desperately want Quark the character to become a junior member of the X-Team. Yes, I think it would be fun, and Quark the character desperately does want to join that team, but I the player am not trying to force it. Please, when reading my poses, do not think that I am trying to make anyone feel OOCly guilty for not being able to allow Quark the character ICly join the team...because that's not what I want. I use the metaposing within my poses to show what Quark might be feeling or thinking, hopefully allowing the reader to sympathize with my character and make him feel more real. Those metaposes should not be treated as an OOC whine on my behalf. Just thought I'd clear that up. :-) Enjoy!