Wait, what!?
2012!?
It's been 8 whole ass years since I've posted to this diary!?
So much has changed!
So much has transpired!
Shall I catch you up?
That whole relationship with my old, online best friend lasted all but maybe a year. The fault was with him. He pretty much deceived me with who he truly was. We got along great as friends, but as for someone who I would spend my life with? Definitely not for me. I knew what I wanted and what I needed and he was not going to provide or listen to my needs and wants. And it looks like, by the way I wrote about it in privacy, I knew that. But I also knew that before we really dated. (I really wasn't interested in being serious at the time. But I had my heart completely broken and thought that maybe trying to be with someone new may help me feel better. It did help - but it wasn't what I wanted. He set the bar really high, too. Like really fucking high).
Then - I spent another painful 4 years with my high school sweetheart.
That may have been a huge mistake, but I also can't 100% say I regret it. I 80% regret it!
The love between that guy and myself is raw.
It was very pure on my end. I think it was on his end, too, but it was extremely polluted, too. He had always treated me very badly. Mostly because he treats himself very badly, but he has this very terrible way where he will just be awful. And I'm not talking about physical abuse. Lord no. It was more of like a social abuse. It took me a long time to separate from him because I was afraid he would kill himself or do something quite desperate. He suffers from manic depression and drug addiction. He had already tried killing himself once or twice. He disappeared for a whole week. I specifically remember one night, he had thought to just up and leave knowing I intended to end our relationship, but I couldn't handle it. He did apologize for being that way. He will often apologize to me, still. I always wish that he would have made better decisions in life. Maybe if so, we would have always been together and he wouldn't have had to treat me the way he did, but that is not how it went down. He was, of course, normal, charming, fun, and fine in the beginning, but these things build up until they are out of control. I just happen to be very strong willed and, well, I was perfectly able of taking care of myself.
The good part of it was that I was able to try living on my own with him for the first time. I got to have a job and take care of us. He helped, at first, too. But then things turned to shit, again. He continued to use drugs - and yes, he turned to opioids. He used all his money on it. I was furious with him and utterly depressed and helpless. In that time, I was desperate for something else. I daydreamed about meeting someone new. Starting a new life. And it did happen.
I won't tell my husband, but he started dating me during that time where I had been preparing to throw my ex out. We got along great and life was just so much better.
We decided to get engaged and I very much so wanted to move out of the apartment before getting married. The place just haunts me. I absolutely refused to remain there and let it be a part of this new part of my life. We did move into a lovely small home in a quiet town. We took time getting married. We didn't even spend loads of money on a huge wedding. It was just the two of us, which was all that was necessary. I had some reservations about it for a while, but in retrospect, I am still okay with it.
Our love is nothing passionate - but it is strong. It is mature and comforting. I hardly ever worry or have jealousy. We hardly argue. We keep to ourselves when we want to and get utterly silly when we're together. I don't have to worry about substance abuse or jealousy. He doesn't even drink alcohol. It actually took me a minute to appreciate that and I've come to respect him for it. He's what I needed.