(no subject)
Sometimes, I really just want to pretend that there is nothing wrong with me and just go out and have fun and exert energy and be a senior enjoying her last year of high school.
Sometimes, I just want to embrace the situation I'm in and just kind of fall apart and stay home from school and wait everything out.
Right now, I want both? I want to go to the STEM trip. I've actually been looking forward to this for a while. I see it as a chance to 1)hopefully pwn in my events aka not but thats okay because it's an invitational and 2) relax with some frans and have a fun bus ride (or sleep) and just...have a fun trip and bond with some people. Which is something which I've been lacking and I forget what it feels like to be away from home and just relax and have fn.
At the same time, my hemoglobin is already down to 6 and my parents are freaking out and I'm kind of worried but at the same time I know I can do it.
And my dad what am I going to do about my dad who never goes to my doctors appointment, doesn't even know who my specialist is, yet thinks that it's his job to decide everything for me
decide how I feel
decide if I need to find another doctor
decide if I need to push surgery up a week
decide if I feel okay to go to school
decide if I need to eat or if I need to sleep
and he's a jackass to doctors. I can't stand people who are jackasses to doctors. Even in this situation, which I guess is pretty serious, there's a way to handle it. He doesn't understand that. I wish he was more like my mom. She used to be like my dad but then I told her she was being a jerk.
He wants to to get surgery soon. He thinks I'm going to die. I'm nowhere near dying. He doesn't know what having hemoglobin levels of 8 or 6 or 3.8 feel like. He doesn't know what I'm capable of doing at any of those levels. He's just going to call my doctor and demand that I get surgery sooner. But she's a specialist in a field where I'm sure there are people who may need surgery more than I do. And it's not like she's conspiring to push my surgery back so I can die or end up in the ER again. She's doing her best. I don't care if my dad calls and checks if I can be fixed earlier. But I know he's going to be condescending and not understanding and a jerk. And it makes me uncomfortable knowing that he's talking like that to someone who is, I guess, going to save my life.