Chapter Thirty-Nine, "The End?!"
The Most Incredible Work of Literature in the Entire Cosmos
Chapter 39, "The End?!"
Mr. Leader would never not be annoying. He'd been in non-stop "I-told-you-so" mode ever since we'd arrived on his ship.
"I told you that child couldn't be trusted," he smarmed at Xlormp.
"Yes, Qzrudle, you are very wise, that is why we made you leader," my heavenly alien said placatingly.
Only one day had passed since the battle, but it felt like much longer. I'd processed so much in that time that my brain felt heavy. I almost wished it had been taken.
"That proves it, though," Christopher mentioned yesterday once we'd chained up the Blobbersons as best we could in the Haberdashes' basement. "You were the one with the enhanced brain after all. And Wemjox was just a jerk." She kicked Stu's motionless body.
We'd unloaded every last ounce of Sploober repellent we had into the Blobberson's heads, so we had at least two days before they woke up. But the clock was ticking.
I looked at Christopher now, nursing a cup of poorly-cloned-for-human-consumption coffee. She hadn't said much more than that since it all happened, and I knew she was grieving for Hector 2.0. His circuits had been fried well beyond repair. Even if he could be fixed, he wouldn't be Hector anymore. He'd be just another robot.
Jessica and Lexington sat with Christopher. I noticed Jessica stroke Christopher's hand gently, providing a calm, silent comfort.
"Anyway," Mr. Leader's grating voice said, breaking back into my consciousness, "I found this in the store room the other day." He tossed a small vial to Klaxie.
"What's this?" Klaxie asked, looking up.
"That would be your actual liquid alien baby," Mr. Leader explained condescendingly. "It looks like you managed to grab the vial of Evil Demon Overlord instead when you pulled your stunt. Which I'm docking you a month's pay for, by the way."
Klaxie didn't appear to be listening anymore. His eyes glazed over, looking at the vial. He opened his face orifice to speak. "You mean...this...this means that Moni - I mean, I...still have a baby?"
Mr. Leader nodded. "Yes, unfortunately, you still have a baby."
Klaxie glanced at Tabitha, who smiled sweetly, then swung her eyes away. He smiled and let out a small sob. "I still have a baby," he whispered.
I'd make him apologize for Wemjox later.
"Where did you get this device again?" Schmeertz asked me, holding up the small metal cube. I'd given it to Mr. Leader when we boarded the ship earlier, figuring I wouldn't need it anymore.
"Warbling Chuck gave it to me at The Place."
"I can't believe you had one of these. It's a reality shifter. It pulls down shields if anyone is trying to hide something." Candy beeped calmly, running her fingers through Schmeertz's slime folds
Xlormp nodded. "That makes sense. If Wemjox were really an Evil Demon Overlord, they would have wanted to hide their true form behind a more pleasing disguise. Evil Demon Overlords are famous for it."
"Why do we even have liquid Evil Demon Overlord?" Mr. Leader sighed. "I'm going through our store room and getting rid of the rest."
"Mind if I keep this?" Schmeertz asked, holding up the box. "I've been tinkering with things a lot lately. I find it keeps my mind off of wanting to kill people." Candy beeped. I wondered why, despite my super awesome brain-altering powers, Candy chose to continue beeping. But I didn't have to wonder for very long. Looking at Xlormp, I understood entirely. I wished I had her strength, but I guess I was way too stubborn to go full-on girl-slave if I had the choice not to.
I nodded. "Of course."
Some doors whooshed and Mr. Haberdash walked in, accompanied by Lou and his pets, who were happily running amock up, over, and around his torso. Lou seemed ever so chuffed about this, but I could tell he was trying not to flaunt it since everyone else still had the whole doom and gloom vibe going.
"Ah! Good, you're here," Mr. Leader said, waggling his flippers around wildly. "Are we about ready to get this over with?"
Lou nodded. "Everything's ready to go. I'd give it ten more minutes."
Mr. Leader nodded. "Excellent!"
Christopher took a deep breath. "I can't believe we're actually doing this."
I walked over to her. "It's the only way. We talked about it, remember? It's the only way to really, truly, one hundred percent kill off the overlord."
She shook her head. "I know. But I don't think I can deal with it." She stood up. "I'm leaving. I don't want to be here when it happens."
Jessica stood up, too. "Guess that's my cue."
Christopher pulled me aside. I looked at her, and she looked back at me, and there were words I knew I wanted to say, but I couldn't figure out what they were. So instead I said, "What are you going to do?" even though I already knew the answer.
"Me and Jessica are going to bum around the universe, hunting aliens. It's the only thing I'm really good at. Besides, I'd just get in the way here."
Then more awkward silence. I felt like I should say something very important and moving. But instead, I grabbed Christopher up in a hug. "Will I ever see you again?" I managed.
She hugged me back, her usual squeeze in full effect. "I hope so," she said.
And then the hug was over. She turned to Jessica. "Let's go."
"Wait," Jessica said, offering a hand to Lexington. "You want to come with us? We could use a good body guard."
Lexington looked around the ship. It took her about five seconds to process that she'd rather be anywhere but here. She nodded, took Jessica's hand, and pulled herself up.
"Well, we'll be seeing you guys," Christopher waved. "Take care." And then they were gone. We all heard the clunk as her ship detached from the docking bay, and that's when I felt my stomach drop a little. She was really gone. I hugged Xlormp to me tightly.
"Here we go," Lou called, waving everyone over to the window. "Anyone have any last words?"
Klaxie sighed. "Yeah. It had to happen sometime."
Nobody else had anything to say.
"And...three...two...one..." and Big Gun fired. It seemed to go in slow motion, watching the Earth blow up. The human part of me felt a slight tug of sadness, but the girl-slave part of me felt glad to be experiencing this great landmark with my husband. And the bitch part of me was glad that there would be no more weather, ever.
We all sat contentedly, not speaking, but not having to speak. And as the Earth exploded, we drifted through space in this new, not entirely perfect, and actually somewhat surreal, but all in all, pretty okay, piece of our forever.
THE END
SORRY THIS IS SO LATE I APOLOGIZE I LOVE YOU GUYS THANK YOU FOR BEING PATIENT ALSO THE END.
Also, if you guys are going to be around on Sunday, and you have a couple of dollars to spare, I could REALLY REALLY REALLY use your help. I'm going to be marathon writing all day, a dollar for 100 words, and hopefully by the end of the day I'll have something akin to a first draft for a novel and also enough money to pay my rent. Because right now I don't have enough money to pay my rent. Because I blew it all going to Hoop Camp. Because I'm...um...a bad planner. Anyway, tell everybody you know that might be interested in helping out and also reading some ridiculous, highly caffeinated writing.
I'll be posting what I've written hourly on my personal journal at kandigurl, which you may want to go ahead and friend if you want to keep up with any future writing projects. I'll also update here with any links, but non-Xlormp-related stuff won't be posted here. EFF WHY EYE. :)
ANYWAY, thank you guys for being so awesome and making this story so much fun to write and post and share and I have a lot more to say but I will have to say it later because I'm kind of pressed for time right now! BUT I LOVE YOU. FO SERIOUS.
Chapter 39, "The End?!"
Mr. Leader would never not be annoying. He'd been in non-stop "I-told-you-so" mode ever since we'd arrived on his ship.
"I told you that child couldn't be trusted," he smarmed at Xlormp.
"Yes, Qzrudle, you are very wise, that is why we made you leader," my heavenly alien said placatingly.
Only one day had passed since the battle, but it felt like much longer. I'd processed so much in that time that my brain felt heavy. I almost wished it had been taken.
"That proves it, though," Christopher mentioned yesterday once we'd chained up the Blobbersons as best we could in the Haberdashes' basement. "You were the one with the enhanced brain after all. And Wemjox was just a jerk." She kicked Stu's motionless body.
We'd unloaded every last ounce of Sploober repellent we had into the Blobberson's heads, so we had at least two days before they woke up. But the clock was ticking.
I looked at Christopher now, nursing a cup of poorly-cloned-for-human-consumption coffee. She hadn't said much more than that since it all happened, and I knew she was grieving for Hector 2.0. His circuits had been fried well beyond repair. Even if he could be fixed, he wouldn't be Hector anymore. He'd be just another robot.
Jessica and Lexington sat with Christopher. I noticed Jessica stroke Christopher's hand gently, providing a calm, silent comfort.
"Anyway," Mr. Leader's grating voice said, breaking back into my consciousness, "I found this in the store room the other day." He tossed a small vial to Klaxie.
"What's this?" Klaxie asked, looking up.
"That would be your actual liquid alien baby," Mr. Leader explained condescendingly. "It looks like you managed to grab the vial of Evil Demon Overlord instead when you pulled your stunt. Which I'm docking you a month's pay for, by the way."
Klaxie didn't appear to be listening anymore. His eyes glazed over, looking at the vial. He opened his face orifice to speak. "You mean...this...this means that Moni - I mean, I...still have a baby?"
Mr. Leader nodded. "Yes, unfortunately, you still have a baby."
Klaxie glanced at Tabitha, who smiled sweetly, then swung her eyes away. He smiled and let out a small sob. "I still have a baby," he whispered.
I'd make him apologize for Wemjox later.
"Where did you get this device again?" Schmeertz asked me, holding up the small metal cube. I'd given it to Mr. Leader when we boarded the ship earlier, figuring I wouldn't need it anymore.
"Warbling Chuck gave it to me at The Place."
"I can't believe you had one of these. It's a reality shifter. It pulls down shields if anyone is trying to hide something." Candy beeped calmly, running her fingers through Schmeertz's slime folds
Xlormp nodded. "That makes sense. If Wemjox were really an Evil Demon Overlord, they would have wanted to hide their true form behind a more pleasing disguise. Evil Demon Overlords are famous for it."
"Why do we even have liquid Evil Demon Overlord?" Mr. Leader sighed. "I'm going through our store room and getting rid of the rest."
"Mind if I keep this?" Schmeertz asked, holding up the box. "I've been tinkering with things a lot lately. I find it keeps my mind off of wanting to kill people." Candy beeped. I wondered why, despite my super awesome brain-altering powers, Candy chose to continue beeping. But I didn't have to wonder for very long. Looking at Xlormp, I understood entirely. I wished I had her strength, but I guess I was way too stubborn to go full-on girl-slave if I had the choice not to.
I nodded. "Of course."
Some doors whooshed and Mr. Haberdash walked in, accompanied by Lou and his pets, who were happily running amock up, over, and around his torso. Lou seemed ever so chuffed about this, but I could tell he was trying not to flaunt it since everyone else still had the whole doom and gloom vibe going.
"Ah! Good, you're here," Mr. Leader said, waggling his flippers around wildly. "Are we about ready to get this over with?"
Lou nodded. "Everything's ready to go. I'd give it ten more minutes."
Mr. Leader nodded. "Excellent!"
Christopher took a deep breath. "I can't believe we're actually doing this."
I walked over to her. "It's the only way. We talked about it, remember? It's the only way to really, truly, one hundred percent kill off the overlord."
She shook her head. "I know. But I don't think I can deal with it." She stood up. "I'm leaving. I don't want to be here when it happens."
Jessica stood up, too. "Guess that's my cue."
Christopher pulled me aside. I looked at her, and she looked back at me, and there were words I knew I wanted to say, but I couldn't figure out what they were. So instead I said, "What are you going to do?" even though I already knew the answer.
"Me and Jessica are going to bum around the universe, hunting aliens. It's the only thing I'm really good at. Besides, I'd just get in the way here."
Then more awkward silence. I felt like I should say something very important and moving. But instead, I grabbed Christopher up in a hug. "Will I ever see you again?" I managed.
She hugged me back, her usual squeeze in full effect. "I hope so," she said.
And then the hug was over. She turned to Jessica. "Let's go."
"Wait," Jessica said, offering a hand to Lexington. "You want to come with us? We could use a good body guard."
Lexington looked around the ship. It took her about five seconds to process that she'd rather be anywhere but here. She nodded, took Jessica's hand, and pulled herself up.
"Well, we'll be seeing you guys," Christopher waved. "Take care." And then they were gone. We all heard the clunk as her ship detached from the docking bay, and that's when I felt my stomach drop a little. She was really gone. I hugged Xlormp to me tightly.
"Here we go," Lou called, waving everyone over to the window. "Anyone have any last words?"
Klaxie sighed. "Yeah. It had to happen sometime."
Nobody else had anything to say.
"And...three...two...one..." and Big Gun fired. It seemed to go in slow motion, watching the Earth blow up. The human part of me felt a slight tug of sadness, but the girl-slave part of me felt glad to be experiencing this great landmark with my husband. And the bitch part of me was glad that there would be no more weather, ever.
We all sat contentedly, not speaking, but not having to speak. And as the Earth exploded, we drifted through space in this new, not entirely perfect, and actually somewhat surreal, but all in all, pretty okay, piece of our forever.
THE END
SORRY THIS IS SO LATE I APOLOGIZE I LOVE YOU GUYS THANK YOU FOR BEING PATIENT ALSO THE END.
Also, if you guys are going to be around on Sunday, and you have a couple of dollars to spare, I could REALLY REALLY REALLY use your help. I'm going to be marathon writing all day, a dollar for 100 words, and hopefully by the end of the day I'll have something akin to a first draft for a novel and also enough money to pay my rent. Because right now I don't have enough money to pay my rent. Because I blew it all going to Hoop Camp. Because I'm...um...a bad planner. Anyway, tell everybody you know that might be interested in helping out and also reading some ridiculous, highly caffeinated writing.
I'll be posting what I've written hourly on my personal journal at kandigurl, which you may want to go ahead and friend if you want to keep up with any future writing projects. I'll also update here with any links, but non-Xlormp-related stuff won't be posted here. EFF WHY EYE. :)
ANYWAY, thank you guys for being so awesome and making this story so much fun to write and post and share and I have a lot more to say but I will have to say it later because I'm kind of pressed for time right now! BUT I LOVE YOU. FO SERIOUS.