(no subject)
I was told to update this thing even though I really have had no desire to. Lately I have been attempting to live a life without the internet. So far it is working because I am loathing even being on here and I am beginning to hate my time spent on myspace as well. But that is where the majority of us congrigate and communicate back and forth so I will not be one of those technology hating assholes and delete my myspace page for 3 days only to make a new one which will inevitably result in me hating it again and continuing on with some rediculous and hypocritical cycle.
My life as of late has been the about as depressing as my entire year of high school. Which a good reason why I have also been neglecting to make any sort of effort to update this journal. I have been trying my hardest to keep a positive demeanor and refrain from projecting how utterly morose I really am. I have always held a humanistic/existential philosophy on life. I know that life tough and in order to over come the hard times it is utterly counterproductive to deal with a negative situation in a negative manner. It is important to makes strides to pull yourself out of hard times and use those rough patches as a way of learning for future when you encounter them again.
But I will admit that it has been really fucking hard to pull myself out of this hole. As unfortunate as it is for me to admit, I feel as though 2008 is going to be my "bad year." I am seriously trying my best to keep busy, happy, and positive but shit just keeps bringing me down the second I pull myself back up. There literally have been moments in time where I will be driving and think about how much of a relief it would be if I lost control of my car and didn't make it. . or if I accidentally switched lanes and ended up under a semi-trailer. Those thoughts are soon driven out though. I can assure all of you reading this that I will not and cannot. . "do myself in" as they say. Whenever I think about just giving up I immediately begin to start thinking about how easy it is to give up and how I don't ever want to give up. I say I want to give up with school but never will until I know for a fact that it will never work for me. I also think about how I could never make my mom, dad or sister deal with that phone call. And then I think about how many people out there have such fucked lives that go above and beyond my entire life. That all the shit that has happened to me in my whole life doesn't even amount to what they have to go through in a day. And how a good number of those people still wake up, go to work, school or where ever and have the strength to push on. Some of them even do it with a smile on their face and not a single chip on their shoulder. And then I am here driving down the expressway from school (a place a lot of people don't have the privileged of going) to an AMAZING job that pays more than most people get for breaking their fucking back day in and day out only to make enough to pay rent and buy a can of beans for dinner that week.
I really do hate how my life is going right now but I would never be so selfish as to give up right now. Things always get worse before they get better. And I refuse to lay down and die just yet.
As of right now I am just lonely to the point of being sick. Don't get me wrong, there are a whole plethora of other factors that have been getting me down the last few months but as or right now, as I sit here typing this, I am so god damn lonely. I am the type of person who feeds off affection. I live for cuddling, holding hands, going on dates, kissing, and being cute. And I can't do that. Sure there have been instances int he last couple months where I've had that opportunity and have taken it; but it's all been so trivial; so... meaningless. I didn't feel any better but rather worse. Mostly because I tried to find a certain level of comfort in that person that subconsciously I knew I wouldn't find but tried regardless. There is part of me that wonders if she feels the same way; or felt the same way when making the same attempts, and part of me wants to know but the smart part knows I shouldn't know either way.
Things will soon enough get better. I just need to figure out more ways to keep busy and free my mind of all the stresses in life. Thankfully it is beginning to get warmer with every passing week. I have a huge feeling that the majority of my depression is due to the season and once it begins to become even warmer and my time can be spent somewhere other than inside I will start getting back into my usual self. I hope. I hope.
But as for right now my days consist of:
Going to school in the morning
Going to work in the afternoon until night.
Coming home and watching DVDs
Shower.
Sleep.
Weekends usually consist of different indulgences that will not be spoken of.
Somtimes Partying.
Sometimes shows.
More DVD watching.
Studying
and
Work on Sunday.
The duplex that I live at sucks.
It took the landlady 4 months to fix the broken window in my kitchen.
When my water broke it took her an entire day to send someone out (even though the water in my bathtub would not stop running)
When they did end up fixing the water I cam home that night (the fixed it in the morning) to find that they not only forgot to lock the door going into my apartment, BUT FORGOT TO CLOSE THE DOOR ALTOGETHER!
I also woke up the other day because I heard someone walking around in my apartment. When I get into the kitchen there is some random dude standing there. I told him to get the fuck out. He said he was from the electric company and he is there to fix the outlets. I told him I didn't care where the fuck he was from and that no one told me anything about him coming in and he needed to get the fuck out. 5 minutes later I get a call from the land lady saying that the electric person was going to be coming in to fix the outlets.
I need ot find a new place to live.
I also get NO service which is why I rarely answer my phone when anyone calls. SO if you call me please please please leave a voice mail- sometimes my phone wont even say someone calls and I will just get random voicmails.
hopefully my pink eye goes away soon :-\
My life as of late has been the about as depressing as my entire year of high school. Which a good reason why I have also been neglecting to make any sort of effort to update this journal. I have been trying my hardest to keep a positive demeanor and refrain from projecting how utterly morose I really am. I have always held a humanistic/existential philosophy on life. I know that life tough and in order to over come the hard times it is utterly counterproductive to deal with a negative situation in a negative manner. It is important to makes strides to pull yourself out of hard times and use those rough patches as a way of learning for future when you encounter them again.
But I will admit that it has been really fucking hard to pull myself out of this hole. As unfortunate as it is for me to admit, I feel as though 2008 is going to be my "bad year." I am seriously trying my best to keep busy, happy, and positive but shit just keeps bringing me down the second I pull myself back up. There literally have been moments in time where I will be driving and think about how much of a relief it would be if I lost control of my car and didn't make it. . or if I accidentally switched lanes and ended up under a semi-trailer. Those thoughts are soon driven out though. I can assure all of you reading this that I will not and cannot. . "do myself in" as they say. Whenever I think about just giving up I immediately begin to start thinking about how easy it is to give up and how I don't ever want to give up. I say I want to give up with school but never will until I know for a fact that it will never work for me. I also think about how I could never make my mom, dad or sister deal with that phone call. And then I think about how many people out there have such fucked lives that go above and beyond my entire life. That all the shit that has happened to me in my whole life doesn't even amount to what they have to go through in a day. And how a good number of those people still wake up, go to work, school or where ever and have the strength to push on. Some of them even do it with a smile on their face and not a single chip on their shoulder. And then I am here driving down the expressway from school (a place a lot of people don't have the privileged of going) to an AMAZING job that pays more than most people get for breaking their fucking back day in and day out only to make enough to pay rent and buy a can of beans for dinner that week.
I really do hate how my life is going right now but I would never be so selfish as to give up right now. Things always get worse before they get better. And I refuse to lay down and die just yet.
As of right now I am just lonely to the point of being sick. Don't get me wrong, there are a whole plethora of other factors that have been getting me down the last few months but as or right now, as I sit here typing this, I am so god damn lonely. I am the type of person who feeds off affection. I live for cuddling, holding hands, going on dates, kissing, and being cute. And I can't do that. Sure there have been instances int he last couple months where I've had that opportunity and have taken it; but it's all been so trivial; so... meaningless. I didn't feel any better but rather worse. Mostly because I tried to find a certain level of comfort in that person that subconsciously I knew I wouldn't find but tried regardless. There is part of me that wonders if she feels the same way; or felt the same way when making the same attempts, and part of me wants to know but the smart part knows I shouldn't know either way.
Things will soon enough get better. I just need to figure out more ways to keep busy and free my mind of all the stresses in life. Thankfully it is beginning to get warmer with every passing week. I have a huge feeling that the majority of my depression is due to the season and once it begins to become even warmer and my time can be spent somewhere other than inside I will start getting back into my usual self. I hope. I hope.
But as for right now my days consist of:
Going to school in the morning
Going to work in the afternoon until night.
Coming home and watching DVDs
Shower.
Sleep.
Weekends usually consist of different indulgences that will not be spoken of.
Somtimes Partying.
Sometimes shows.
More DVD watching.
Studying
and
Work on Sunday.
The duplex that I live at sucks.
It took the landlady 4 months to fix the broken window in my kitchen.
When my water broke it took her an entire day to send someone out (even though the water in my bathtub would not stop running)
When they did end up fixing the water I cam home that night (the fixed it in the morning) to find that they not only forgot to lock the door going into my apartment, BUT FORGOT TO CLOSE THE DOOR ALTOGETHER!
I also woke up the other day because I heard someone walking around in my apartment. When I get into the kitchen there is some random dude standing there. I told him to get the fuck out. He said he was from the electric company and he is there to fix the outlets. I told him I didn't care where the fuck he was from and that no one told me anything about him coming in and he needed to get the fuck out. 5 minutes later I get a call from the land lady saying that the electric person was going to be coming in to fix the outlets.
I need ot find a new place to live.
I also get NO service which is why I rarely answer my phone when anyone calls. SO if you call me please please please leave a voice mail- sometimes my phone wont even say someone calls and I will just get random voicmails.
hopefully my pink eye goes away soon :-\