(no subject)
sorry i haven't updated lately. too much has been going on and some i just wanted to forget ever happened for a while, but once i thought about it, i'm glad it did. you'd never think to say "i'm glad i had a huge fight with one of my best friends cuz it just made everything better", but in all honesty it did. it's still not fully resolved, but it's better (for now). as brandi said "the gang's back together" (for the most part).
so this weekend was horrible, i felt like i had nothing an i was nothing. it's the worst feeling in the world when you feel like you have no one to talk to because the one you always talk to about things is the one you need to talk about. yeah it was rough to say. but once i realized he had a bad weekend too i felt bad. not at first because it seemed like he really didn't care and really didn't need me around. but then i went to be his friend at his relative's funeral, and that's when it hit me that he may not need me as the most important in his life, but he needs a friend when his other "good/best friends" aren't there for him. maybe it was the way he cried on my shoulder when he saw i was there, or how he fell asleep at my side a few times, or just because it was calm, i don't know. but..whatever it was, i can't deny that i'm always gonna be there for this kid cbecause i'd do anything in the world for him because i love him that much. and i'm ok with just beign friends for now (i think). i mean yeah, geez, i'd like to be so much more than friends, but liek people have told me "the more you show him you want to be friends, the harder you play 'i'm just your friend' the more it'll drive him nuts.." an i'm gna try it.. granted i'm his friend nmw happens...
i realized also this weekend that i want him in my life forever, in one way or the other. if that means being good friends til we die, then so-be-it. i mean i drove myself crazy being mad at him and knowing he was prolly just as mad at me. and i don't know how i could have ever said i was really "happy" without him there. he's one of the ONLY people i'm not afraid to be "CIGI" with...i've notcied i act differently with different people, not being fake, but just acting they way THEY know i do. but with him i can act a million different ways and he never condones anyof them but yet takes it for who i really am, i'm a multi-faceted person--not two faced-- but i have a million personality traits and some people only know one specific one, but he somehow makes me comfortable enough to show them all. he makes me truely truely truely happy. i actually know what the word "happiness" means in my life.
happiness=jeremy (among others)
he just makes me happy. and i liek that. and what other people find "weird" or "gay" i find kinda cute, because it makes me laugh. and if someone can actually make me laugh and i'm not jut faking it, that's a quality that i like. very few can actually do that. it takes a lot for some people ot make me laugh, but for him it takes so little. i mean VERY little. he could say the dumbest thing and it could put me in such a good mood. and last night at the showing, when he gave me the first hug, when he was crying, that was the realest hug i've felt from him in a while, like REAL. like he really appreciated me being a friend to him. and the last one he gave me before we left i felt it too.they were real. they felt so good. the first one didnt feel good until i knew he was okay, because seeing that kid crying BROKE MY HEART HORRIBLY! i never want to see him cry again! and i'll do everything in my power to make sure he doesn't while i'm around. tho he never cried around me before so, he's strong. he's a lot stronger than people think. maybe not physically, but emotionally an mentally he is strong. if he can put up with me and not want to kill me, oh buddy, he's strong. heh.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that you may never realize things that are good without experiencing something bad. i never believed that. i always felt the good came first then the bad took over. but in this situation, i see otherwise. and i'm glad it happened, i just wish we didn't have to go through that to realize the good in each other.
and at this point, i'm trying to sew myself back together, hoping these sutures never come undone or unravel ever again. not with him anyways.
so this weekend was horrible, i felt like i had nothing an i was nothing. it's the worst feeling in the world when you feel like you have no one to talk to because the one you always talk to about things is the one you need to talk about. yeah it was rough to say. but once i realized he had a bad weekend too i felt bad. not at first because it seemed like he really didn't care and really didn't need me around. but then i went to be his friend at his relative's funeral, and that's when it hit me that he may not need me as the most important in his life, but he needs a friend when his other "good/best friends" aren't there for him. maybe it was the way he cried on my shoulder when he saw i was there, or how he fell asleep at my side a few times, or just because it was calm, i don't know. but..whatever it was, i can't deny that i'm always gonna be there for this kid cbecause i'd do anything in the world for him because i love him that much. and i'm ok with just beign friends for now (i think). i mean yeah, geez, i'd like to be so much more than friends, but liek people have told me "the more you show him you want to be friends, the harder you play 'i'm just your friend' the more it'll drive him nuts.." an i'm gna try it.. granted i'm his friend nmw happens...
i realized also this weekend that i want him in my life forever, in one way or the other. if that means being good friends til we die, then so-be-it. i mean i drove myself crazy being mad at him and knowing he was prolly just as mad at me. and i don't know how i could have ever said i was really "happy" without him there. he's one of the ONLY people i'm not afraid to be "CIGI" with...i've notcied i act differently with different people, not being fake, but just acting they way THEY know i do. but with him i can act a million different ways and he never condones anyof them but yet takes it for who i really am, i'm a multi-faceted person--not two faced-- but i have a million personality traits and some people only know one specific one, but he somehow makes me comfortable enough to show them all. he makes me truely truely truely happy. i actually know what the word "happiness" means in my life.
happiness=jeremy (among others)
he just makes me happy. and i liek that. and what other people find "weird" or "gay" i find kinda cute, because it makes me laugh. and if someone can actually make me laugh and i'm not jut faking it, that's a quality that i like. very few can actually do that. it takes a lot for some people ot make me laugh, but for him it takes so little. i mean VERY little. he could say the dumbest thing and it could put me in such a good mood. and last night at the showing, when he gave me the first hug, when he was crying, that was the realest hug i've felt from him in a while, like REAL. like he really appreciated me being a friend to him. and the last one he gave me before we left i felt it too.they were real. they felt so good. the first one didnt feel good until i knew he was okay, because seeing that kid crying BROKE MY HEART HORRIBLY! i never want to see him cry again! and i'll do everything in my power to make sure he doesn't while i'm around. tho he never cried around me before so, he's strong. he's a lot stronger than people think. maybe not physically, but emotionally an mentally he is strong. if he can put up with me and not want to kill me, oh buddy, he's strong. heh.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that you may never realize things that are good without experiencing something bad. i never believed that. i always felt the good came first then the bad took over. but in this situation, i see otherwise. and i'm glad it happened, i just wish we didn't have to go through that to realize the good in each other.
and at this point, i'm trying to sew myself back together, hoping these sutures never come undone or unravel ever again. not with him anyways.