[FIC] The Tale of the Would-be Dimsum (Dino/Squalo; PG)
I originally wrote this on a whim in my plurk. But my bosses seemed to like it so I'm encouraged (coerced? fooled?) into posting this...tale in comms ^^;. (I bet they're just trying to ruin my reputation ♥)
Title: The Tale of the Would-be Dimsum
By: nikki hiiragizawa
Fandom: Katekyou Hitman Reborn
Disclaimer: Reborn! (c) Amano Akira-sensei.
Pairing: Dino/Squalo
Genre: crack
Rating: PG for Squalo swearing a lot.
Warnings: legend/fairy-tale mode
Notes: No animals were harmed in the process of writing this fanfic.
Dedication: uh, for my private Vongola family + Varia.
Once upon a time, there was a blacktip shark named Squalo. He was of age, and he wanted to hook up with a nice shark babe. But the female sharks in his species went, “Oh, we could do well without males, you know, especially of the long platinum blonde kind. We can do parthenogenesis, thank you."
And so, Squalo was depressed (Fucking bitches! I'm going to rip them to pieces if they ever come near me!). He tried getting it all out with rage and attacked fish, people and rocks. He became a bloodthirsty, angry shark. His fellow blacktips worried for their safety and forced him to attend anger management meetings. Squalo was enraged even more. He went on a rampage...until by accident, he ended up trapped in a fisherman's net. His fellow sharks waved to him happily with their black fins. Those freaking bastards.
The fishermen sedated Squalo, tied him up against his will, placed him in a large aquarium, and had him transported to a local dimsum restaurant.
Squalo, now awake and angry in his aquarium, was placed behind the restaurant, to be strangled later. The chefs started planning on their menu for the day. Sharksfin soup? Sharksfin dimsum? Stuffed shark? Squalo could hear their conversation from the aquarium, but he wasn't scared. He was actually thinking about escaping.
Suddenly, a horse dragging a cart passed by the aquarium. "Oh, a shark," he observed. He whinnied and Squalo was not amused. In fact, he was vexed.
"VOIII! What is your fucking problem you stupid four-legged creature!" he yelled, splashing about in his aquarium. Way to ruin the morning, horsey.
The horse stopped before the aquarium. "What are you doing there, Sharky?" he neighed. Inwardly, the horse wondered if all sharks shout, 'voi!'.
"DON'T CALL ME SHARKY!" Squalo roared, baring his teeth. "Can't you see I'm thinking? Go away, Dapple-Grey."
The horse looked hurt. He was brown and manly, not a gray splotch on his majestic body. "I'm not Dapple-Grey. I'm Dino." The horse extended his hoof to the shark, narrowly missing Squalo's teeth. "Are you going to be eaten?"
"Who says I'm going to be eaten?!" Squalo angrily asked. "I'm getting out of here."
Dino looked towards the kitchen, where the chefs were sharpening their knives. "How are you going to escape? Wriggling away until you reach the bay?"
Squalo did not reply. He did not know how to escape, actually. Suddenly (and fortunately, God!), Dino had an idea. "Hey, want to ride me?"
The shark looked shocked, if that was possible. "What?! Are you fucking serious?" Dino nodded solemnly and the shark was even more shocked, if that was possible.
Dino gestured towards his cart. "If you can jump here, I can run as fast as I can to the bay. Then you can swim freely, what do you say?"
Squalo didn't seem convinced. He had always been wary of strangers, especially those with squarish teeth. "Why are you helping me, cattle? I could eat you up, you know."
Dino laughed. "Well, I guess I have a soft spot for aquatic creatures. You know, I have a tuna for a brother. And you're so cute and small. I don't think you can eat me." Dino patted the shark's head with his hoof lovingly.
"VOI! Shut up!" Squalo yelled irritably, trying to bite Dino's hoof off. Really, if this cattle wasn't helping him, he would have bitten him. Tuna brother? What kind of shit was that?
"I'm not cattle. I'm a horse," Dino corrected him as he edged his cart towards the aquarium. When he thought Squalo would be able to reach the cart from that distance, he neighed, "Now, ready...jump!"
Squalo jumped! He soared gracefully above the aquarium and reached the cart, anchoring himself with his teeth. He slid right onto the cart, teeth carving the wood rather severely. Somehow, he silently wanted to thank his cousins where he inherited his graceful movements from -- the flying fish.
"I'll be running as fast as I could, so hold on and save your breath, okay!" Dino called out. "If you feel weak, dip your head into the..."
"I AM NOT WEAK YOU FUCKING -- STU--PID..." Squalo suddenly felt faint. He lay on his side, trying to concentrate on breathing. Fuck. He suddenly remembered that he couldn't breathe above water. He lay very still, saving his strength. He didn't want to die before reaching the bay.
"Almost there," Dino neighed from upfront. Squalo knew it, too. He could smell the faint salt rising in the air. "Just a few more turns..." Squalo wanted to tell Dino to shut up and just gallop, but he was already too weak. He decided to save his energy and punish Dino later.
"WE'RE HERE!" Dino's voice rang in Squalo's head. He blinked (if that was possible) and saw the stretch of blue by the cart.
"WATEEEEERRR!!!"
Squalo scrambled off the cart, off the port, and into the water. It felt like it had been a long time since he tasted water. He swam around joyfully, swishing his tail because that goddamn aquarium wouldn't let him move much. And then, he remembered something...
He rose up to the surface and found Dino watching him with an amused expression. "Happy?" the horse asked. He had his face near the surface, as if he was drinking salt water.
Squalo narrowed his eyes at Dino. "Well, you probably want some sort of reward now, wouldn't you?" He knew Dino must be up to something.
Dino laughed -- or neighed, rather. "Maybe...just don't eat tunas anymore, okay?" Squalo nodded. He didn't care much for tunas anyway. They weren't very challenging. Now barracudas, those are nice 'uns.
"That and...allow me to visit you once in a while? Here by the port?" Dino continued.
Squalo was surprised, he almost drowned. "WHAT? ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME? You mean to tell me I have to go to the surface every time just to see your fucking long face?!"
Dino looked sad -- for a horse. "But I saved your life..." And after a few hours of puppy eyes (on a horse) and cussing (from a shark), they decided to see each other every Saturday night, when all the fishermen and horse cart drivers weren't working.
After a few weeks of seeing each other, they realized that they were in love. It was so sudden, Squalo didn't even have the time to cuss. It was love.
And so, the horse and the shark decided to get married. Dino called his tuna brother, named Tsuna, to oversee the ceremonies. Among their visitors were a cheerful baseball bat, a stick of dynamite with mood swings, a worn-out pair of boxing gloves that sings the wedding hymn a little too extremely, a very reluctant yellow bird, a pineapple who can possess stuff with his magical fork and a stupid cow. Squalo and Dino were happily married and swore to be with each other until death. That is, if they can figure out where to live.
"VOIII!" Squalo exclaimed in the middle of their argument. "I will not live in a stable or a farm or a fucking raunchy whateveryoucallit!"
Dino sighed exasperatedly. "It's a ranch," he gently explained. "And it's my home, so we have to stay there. I have a big jacuzzi there..."
"I don't care if you have a freaking waterfall!" Squalo said, crossing his fins over his chest (if that was possible). "I'm staying here!"
Dino was hopeless. He didn't know how to swim. He had no idea how to live with Squalo. He didn't know he'd be facing marital woes this soon, too! Left without any choice, he decided to seek help...
The marriage counselor was out of town, so Dino followed the advice of a blond stranger with a crown to seek help from the legendary god who lived in the caves. The horse galloped into a rocky cave at the edge of the bay, where a god of ice lived.
He knelt before the deity and prayed. "XNXS..."
The pillar of ice spoke. "What do you want, you piece of trash?" Dino was scared, but he had to try hard if he wanted to live with Squalo. Dino narrated his story to the god XNXS, from the aquarium scene to the fight scene. He could tell XNXS was getting impatient with the way the ice pillar was shaking violently, but Dino had to tell XNXS his whole story for him to understand.
"Please help me," Dino prayed. "I really want to live with my wife -- husband --- wife -- spouse."
XNXS roared with laughter. The ice pillar shook and Dino was scared it'd fall on him. "Very well, trash," XNXS said. "I shall help you."
Suddenly, the ice pillar had a gun pointing at the horse's head. "Turn around and walk to the port. NOW. MOVE IT." Dino neighed in fright and followed. He cantered ahead, with the ice pillar bouncing behind him. Dino laughed, but he remembered the gun and who was holding it.
They reached the port, with the ice pillar going "plok plok *wet sound*" behind him. "Stop," XNXS commanded. "Face the port. Can you see your lover?"
Squalo was then swimming gracefully near the surface when he saw Dino and the large pillar on the port. "What the fuck?! If that is your idea of a peace offering, I'm getting a divorce!"
Suddenly, the ice pillar fired the gun and Dino fell into the water. Squalo yelled, Xanxus laughed, and Dino thought, "What the hell, divorce after two days?!"
XNXS ignored the curses from under the water, "FUCK IT, DINO. YOU'RE TOO HEAVY! SHIT..." and went back to his cave before he melted.
Squalo in the meantime, carried Dino under the water to his home -- some abandoned classy ship -- and mourned (a bit). Dino was still breathing and Squalo didn't lose hope. He sat -- swam by the horse, wondering if horses could be preserved in brine.
After a few days, Dino started changing -- in both body and sex appeal. Squalo panicked a little, but soon, he understood why.
Because of Dino's sacrifice due to his undying love for Squalo, he was granted his wish to be able to stay with his wife -- husband -- wife -- spouse forever.
And that was how seahorses came to be.
.end.
...Sorry. For breaking your brains D: ...
Title: The Tale of the Would-be Dimsum
By: nikki hiiragizawa
Fandom: Katekyou Hitman Reborn
Disclaimer: Reborn! (c) Amano Akira-sensei.
Pairing: Dino/Squalo
Genre: crack
Rating: PG for Squalo swearing a lot.
Warnings: legend/fairy-tale mode
Notes: No animals were harmed in the process of writing this fanfic.
Dedication: uh, for my private Vongola family + Varia.
Once upon a time, there was a blacktip shark named Squalo. He was of age, and he wanted to hook up with a nice shark babe. But the female sharks in his species went, “Oh, we could do well without males, you know, especially of the long platinum blonde kind. We can do parthenogenesis, thank you."
And so, Squalo was depressed (Fucking bitches! I'm going to rip them to pieces if they ever come near me!). He tried getting it all out with rage and attacked fish, people and rocks. He became a bloodthirsty, angry shark. His fellow blacktips worried for their safety and forced him to attend anger management meetings. Squalo was enraged even more. He went on a rampage...until by accident, he ended up trapped in a fisherman's net. His fellow sharks waved to him happily with their black fins. Those freaking bastards.
The fishermen sedated Squalo, tied him up against his will, placed him in a large aquarium, and had him transported to a local dimsum restaurant.
Squalo, now awake and angry in his aquarium, was placed behind the restaurant, to be strangled later. The chefs started planning on their menu for the day. Sharksfin soup? Sharksfin dimsum? Stuffed shark? Squalo could hear their conversation from the aquarium, but he wasn't scared. He was actually thinking about escaping.
Suddenly, a horse dragging a cart passed by the aquarium. "Oh, a shark," he observed. He whinnied and Squalo was not amused. In fact, he was vexed.
"VOIII! What is your fucking problem you stupid four-legged creature!" he yelled, splashing about in his aquarium. Way to ruin the morning, horsey.
The horse stopped before the aquarium. "What are you doing there, Sharky?" he neighed. Inwardly, the horse wondered if all sharks shout, 'voi!'.
"DON'T CALL ME SHARKY!" Squalo roared, baring his teeth. "Can't you see I'm thinking? Go away, Dapple-Grey."
The horse looked hurt. He was brown and manly, not a gray splotch on his majestic body. "I'm not Dapple-Grey. I'm Dino." The horse extended his hoof to the shark, narrowly missing Squalo's teeth. "Are you going to be eaten?"
"Who says I'm going to be eaten?!" Squalo angrily asked. "I'm getting out of here."
Dino looked towards the kitchen, where the chefs were sharpening their knives. "How are you going to escape? Wriggling away until you reach the bay?"
Squalo did not reply. He did not know how to escape, actually. Suddenly (and fortunately, God!), Dino had an idea. "Hey, want to ride me?"
The shark looked shocked, if that was possible. "What?! Are you fucking serious?" Dino nodded solemnly and the shark was even more shocked, if that was possible.
Dino gestured towards his cart. "If you can jump here, I can run as fast as I can to the bay. Then you can swim freely, what do you say?"
Squalo didn't seem convinced. He had always been wary of strangers, especially those with squarish teeth. "Why are you helping me, cattle? I could eat you up, you know."
Dino laughed. "Well, I guess I have a soft spot for aquatic creatures. You know, I have a tuna for a brother. And you're so cute and small. I don't think you can eat me." Dino patted the shark's head with his hoof lovingly.
"VOI! Shut up!" Squalo yelled irritably, trying to bite Dino's hoof off. Really, if this cattle wasn't helping him, he would have bitten him. Tuna brother? What kind of shit was that?
"I'm not cattle. I'm a horse," Dino corrected him as he edged his cart towards the aquarium. When he thought Squalo would be able to reach the cart from that distance, he neighed, "Now, ready...jump!"
Squalo jumped! He soared gracefully above the aquarium and reached the cart, anchoring himself with his teeth. He slid right onto the cart, teeth carving the wood rather severely. Somehow, he silently wanted to thank his cousins where he inherited his graceful movements from -- the flying fish.
"I'll be running as fast as I could, so hold on and save your breath, okay!" Dino called out. "If you feel weak, dip your head into the..."
"I AM NOT WEAK YOU FUCKING -- STU--PID..." Squalo suddenly felt faint. He lay on his side, trying to concentrate on breathing. Fuck. He suddenly remembered that he couldn't breathe above water. He lay very still, saving his strength. He didn't want to die before reaching the bay.
"Almost there," Dino neighed from upfront. Squalo knew it, too. He could smell the faint salt rising in the air. "Just a few more turns..." Squalo wanted to tell Dino to shut up and just gallop, but he was already too weak. He decided to save his energy and punish Dino later.
"WE'RE HERE!" Dino's voice rang in Squalo's head. He blinked (if that was possible) and saw the stretch of blue by the cart.
"WATEEEEERRR!!!"
Squalo scrambled off the cart, off the port, and into the water. It felt like it had been a long time since he tasted water. He swam around joyfully, swishing his tail because that goddamn aquarium wouldn't let him move much. And then, he remembered something...
He rose up to the surface and found Dino watching him with an amused expression. "Happy?" the horse asked. He had his face near the surface, as if he was drinking salt water.
Squalo narrowed his eyes at Dino. "Well, you probably want some sort of reward now, wouldn't you?" He knew Dino must be up to something.
Dino laughed -- or neighed, rather. "Maybe...just don't eat tunas anymore, okay?" Squalo nodded. He didn't care much for tunas anyway. They weren't very challenging. Now barracudas, those are nice 'uns.
"That and...allow me to visit you once in a while? Here by the port?" Dino continued.
Squalo was surprised, he almost drowned. "WHAT? ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME? You mean to tell me I have to go to the surface every time just to see your fucking long face?!"
Dino looked sad -- for a horse. "But I saved your life..." And after a few hours of puppy eyes (on a horse) and cussing (from a shark), they decided to see each other every Saturday night, when all the fishermen and horse cart drivers weren't working.
After a few weeks of seeing each other, they realized that they were in love. It was so sudden, Squalo didn't even have the time to cuss. It was love.
And so, the horse and the shark decided to get married. Dino called his tuna brother, named Tsuna, to oversee the ceremonies. Among their visitors were a cheerful baseball bat, a stick of dynamite with mood swings, a worn-out pair of boxing gloves that sings the wedding hymn a little too extremely, a very reluctant yellow bird, a pineapple who can possess stuff with his magical fork and a stupid cow. Squalo and Dino were happily married and swore to be with each other until death. That is, if they can figure out where to live.
"VOIII!" Squalo exclaimed in the middle of their argument. "I will not live in a stable or a farm or a fucking raunchy whateveryoucallit!"
Dino sighed exasperatedly. "It's a ranch," he gently explained. "And it's my home, so we have to stay there. I have a big jacuzzi there..."
"I don't care if you have a freaking waterfall!" Squalo said, crossing his fins over his chest (if that was possible). "I'm staying here!"
Dino was hopeless. He didn't know how to swim. He had no idea how to live with Squalo. He didn't know he'd be facing marital woes this soon, too! Left without any choice, he decided to seek help...
The marriage counselor was out of town, so Dino followed the advice of a blond stranger with a crown to seek help from the legendary god who lived in the caves. The horse galloped into a rocky cave at the edge of the bay, where a god of ice lived.
He knelt before the deity and prayed. "XNXS..."
The pillar of ice spoke. "What do you want, you piece of trash?" Dino was scared, but he had to try hard if he wanted to live with Squalo. Dino narrated his story to the god XNXS, from the aquarium scene to the fight scene. He could tell XNXS was getting impatient with the way the ice pillar was shaking violently, but Dino had to tell XNXS his whole story for him to understand.
"Please help me," Dino prayed. "I really want to live with my wife -- husband --- wife -- spouse."
XNXS roared with laughter. The ice pillar shook and Dino was scared it'd fall on him. "Very well, trash," XNXS said. "I shall help you."
Suddenly, the ice pillar had a gun pointing at the horse's head. "Turn around and walk to the port. NOW. MOVE IT." Dino neighed in fright and followed. He cantered ahead, with the ice pillar bouncing behind him. Dino laughed, but he remembered the gun and who was holding it.
They reached the port, with the ice pillar going "plok plok *wet sound*" behind him. "Stop," XNXS commanded. "Face the port. Can you see your lover?"
Squalo was then swimming gracefully near the surface when he saw Dino and the large pillar on the port. "What the fuck?! If that is your idea of a peace offering, I'm getting a divorce!"
Suddenly, the ice pillar fired the gun and Dino fell into the water. Squalo yelled, Xanxus laughed, and Dino thought, "What the hell, divorce after two days?!"
XNXS ignored the curses from under the water, "FUCK IT, DINO. YOU'RE TOO HEAVY! SHIT..." and went back to his cave before he melted.
Squalo in the meantime, carried Dino under the water to his home -- some abandoned classy ship -- and mourned (a bit). Dino was still breathing and Squalo didn't lose hope. He sat -- swam by the horse, wondering if horses could be preserved in brine.
After a few days, Dino started changing -- in both body and sex appeal. Squalo panicked a little, but soon, he understood why.
Because of Dino's sacrifice due to his undying love for Squalo, he was granted his wish to be able to stay with his wife -- husband -- wife -- spouse forever.
And that was how seahorses came to be.
.end.
...Sorry. For breaking your brains D: ...