(no subject)
Whenever I go through a road block in life I always yearn for a fresh start when it's almost over. If I can afford it I like to get new bedding for a new semester, light a bunch of candles, clean a ton, start working out a bunch if I can, or more often then I wish I had; change my major. It's a tiny bit as if I want a new life over and over again. I've changed my major so many times; and even though I love Geography & Urban studies, part of me wishes that I could still pursue a minor or even change my major again in the spring or next fall when I hopefully have a lot more control over my depression. I guess I'm worried that I'll always have that association between depression and GUS. I kept day dreaming about declaring new majors today. And I always wish that I had time to take a gender studies course, and then I think about how much I like feminism, how I have conflicting opinions about certain facets of feminism even though I dig it, and that it's something that has really really really helped me cope with some stuff that might have given me the problems I'm still learning to manage today. My mom is a very subordinate and passive person. It's not her fault at all, but it's had a ton of unfortunate consequences on our relationship. She loves me unconditionally like I do of her, but she also seriously lacks ways of showing it. We used to be best friends, but that relationship was literally forbidden from existing anymore because of her new husband. I had the misfortune of learning about some stuff that step children or anyone who is trying to foster a family should never ever learn a few years ago. I came across stuff one day that broke my heart for years and still stings when I reflect on it. I remember when I was also a much more subordinate and silent person and never left my room and even felt too scared and anxious to leave to go to the bathroom because of the control freak asshole I lived with. I also didn't have access to the internet so that time was spent stewing in anxiety. I'm in therapy now and talking a ton about the roots of my disorders and stuff; and even though those years still really trouble me when I dwell on them sometimes, I just feel so so fortunate for feminism. I didn't think about it then but I really enjoy it now. Even though half the time it leaves me feeling really bleak about my gender and leveling our very gendered playing field, it also really helped me to turn some guilt into rage. And even though that might sound like counter productive and poor reasoning, I think that it's healthy rage that allows me to cultivate something closer to a self esteem, and that it has ultimately allowed me take baby steps towards standing up for my self and my mom. So yeah, pointless rants are rad. And maybe I wish that I could major in Women's studies.