(no subject)
My head hurts so much. I woke up around seven cos my stomach was hurting cos I've been anxious and I haven't been able to watch a movie or eat a snack or try to sleep over and over again or do anything to distract myself cos I'm so anxious. I keep thinking about how today isn't going to work out and if and when it may not work out for me that's going to signify so much and I hate myself cos I hate how I think and the toll it takes on me and how incredibly inconveniencing it is for other people. I hate how it's been hours and I've been fixated and sick and it's still going to be hours until I hear that today may not work out in a way that would feel secure and comforting and I hate myself. The only thing I can think to do is take pm pain pills or something but if I do that then I have to cancel my plans today. I don't think my plans are going to go as I thought they would cos stuff unexpectedly sorta seem to come up last night and for me those changes and lack of a certainty or time make me sooo anxious. I don't even ever typically have plans so the prospect of them and having had a lot of fun and relief with the plans I have had has been so addictive. I just hate myself. I hate how this happens to me now. I hate the fear and the guilt and the inconveniencing and the headaches and the nausea and the everything bad. I try to really push myself to not quit or flake and to really strive to stay in the present the best I can so that I can enjoy myself and make sure I'm not taxing on other people or ruining stuff for them. It's just such hard work and literally anytime I'm alone anymore whenever brief opportunities to be in safe and fun situations arise, but problems creep up and hit me so hard and make it so difficult to enjoy this. This day man.