So behind

[xk4thrynx]

on securing housing. It just continues to be disappointing and frustrating. Whenever I look at the calendar and stare at the threeish weeks left until school my heart sinks and I begin to feel a panic coming on. I've been trying to cram my time with as much socialization and reading as possible because whenever I'm alone I become really upset and overwhelmed by all my anxieties. It hurts. I want an apartment. I want an apartment that I really like so that I'll be able to live there until I graduate and not have to deal with securing another apartment again. I want to enjoy next year. I don't want to succumb to all the bad parts of me and keep to myself all the time in my apartment. I don't want to lose my friends. My bus driver unintentionally really upset me the other day when she was talking about her daughter (she just sort of rambles and I just kind of listen). Her daughter had just broken up with her boyfriend and she wanted to find something healthy to distract her. I asked her if her daughter had a best friend or some close friends to turn to. My bus driver gave some speech about how she didn't and how life naturally tends to tear people apart and how we're lucky if we keep close friends past high school. That was just so the opposite of what I was hoping she'd say. Ever since I began grappling with anxiety/depression it felt really apparent that I was a different person. Sometimes I think it's really noticeable. I learned to open up and confront my best friends about my fears this year, and even though that's a great thing, consequently it really fuels my fears of losing them. I worry that it's at that point in our lives where other friends or boyfriends are going to step in and sorta initiate that natural distancing. Pair that with a shitty experience I had when a close friend got into a really unhealthy relationship with her boyfriend that I guess I'm just now acknowledging had even effected me and you have one seriously anxious me. I basically beg myself to believe that my friends and I will always put in the effort to stay tight while simultaneously feeling trapped with my fears that we won't. I'm worried this is going to be the first year that I ball my eyes out when I go back to school because I fear that it'll be the last time I see my friends as my best friends. If I don't get an apartment I'll be bummed cuz I'll be at home and I won't have my friends and I'll constantly panic that I'm losing them. If I get an apartment I'll be happy to be out of my home but I'll still worry that I'm going to lose my friends. I just kind of feel like a failure tonight. I should have some new friends in college. I shouldn't be a jerk and cling to my friends from home who are entitled to their lives. They'll always be so important to me though.

I'm also buggin out cos I'm wrestling with fears about my dad dying again. I haven't seen him in almost a month cos of work (I'm over his house tonight though) and hearing that cough again triggered those old fears.

Sometimes it's tough for me to stay strong when I'm always this nervous. I don't have meds again so it's all effecting me deeply. I hate how moody I am on here but I really need the outlet. I don't mean to be quite the defeatist that this makes me out to be. Even though it's a depressing procedure, I continuously check Craiglist and some realty sites for updates all the time. And even though I'm nervous about my friends I push myself to spend time with them instead of isolating and pitying myself for worrying about them. I know I get really upset about losing my dad and being stuck with my step father, but I try to kill those fears with thoughts about how much I love my dad and how he's one of the best parent around. I know I'll eventually manage to say something to my friends but right now I'm still scared to. My fatal flaw is my mind and I'm getting increasingly scared and uncomfortable as summer break continues to wind down. Sorry internet :(