So in 2 hours I can have an ultimate high, and an ultimate fall. Learn something new every day...

[xjustxgorgeousx]

So I went to Matt, the ex-boyfriends, today. For his birthday. I got him a big bag full of gifts, all with some sort of joke or meaning behind them. Spent a larger sum of money than I did on any one else this Christmas. He seemed happy to see us. Madie, Gabbie and I. And he kissed me. And it was the most beautiful, missed feeling. And we kissed and kissed and kissed. And Madie and Gabbie left. And we kissed more. And we said "I love you" and I meant it. And we said "I miss you" and I meant that too. With more sincerity than those phrases have ever left my lips before. And nothing was off limits to him. My shirt, my pants, it was all just solid material to touch. And I will admit that I loved it, I loved him. I still do. We cuddled and talked with his family, joked around. And I was in heaven. Even for only a few hours. On the way back to my house, I couldnt stop smiling. In fact, I hadnt stopped smiling since I woke up on the morning of that day. Only to come home, to this computer screen to read the words that had never crossed my mind. Words, from his finger tips, telling me its not love, to move on. And I felt my heart drop down into my acidy stomach. Gabbie called. I love her. She almost came over, because I dont think shes ever heard me cry. And I just cant stop shaking or crying. Because I know what love is. And I know I love him. And then he calls asking only why I imed his lovely girlfriend. All I wanted to do was maybe get her to hate me less. Thats all. Selfishness. That is what Im dealing with. Selfishness and immaturity. Ive concluded that the only way to escape this must be through age. I need someone older next time, if Im able to have a next time. I was clearly crying my eyes dry but that was overlooked. So I hung up saying the goodbye that Ill never get back. And I said it before, but I didnt know what it meant. To get over someone. To erase them. I will. He will be erased because Ive been told so many times by so many people, "Amber, you can do so much better. What are you doing?" And I didnt beleive it, but now, after this, I do. I am better than this and I will find someone to treat me with maybe a little respect.

And that pretty girl he's dating, Im sorry if you somehow read this. And get your morbid satisfaction. I never resented you. I respected you up until your immature hatred for me based on someone elses word and no knowledge of truth. You are the bitch and so so much younger than me. And I hope you read this, so you can cry and feel like shit. And then I hope your eyes never meet the words I type. Because no one deserves to be that hurt. And for some strange reason, I still respect you. And with both emotions combined, I wont hide nor shove this in your face. It is my journal if you wanted to know my thoughts or my life then its your own fault, because this is all truth.

And to Matt, may you never know what beauty you passed up. And may you never wonder day after day, maybe between meaningless relationships, how it could have been different.

And my mom says, "Dont stay up late, you cant sleep in tomorrow." And I reply, of course I wont. But sleeps not in the plan tonight.