valley of blood

[xjollyrogerx]

here's the thing I wrote

Comments

[punkrockvirgin]

The burning flesh line, drop the "smelled".

[xjollyrogerx]

... ok

and replace it wiiith?

i know that that is the weakest line in the whole thing but until i can think of a stronger couple of lines, i don't know how to fix what's already there.

[punkrockvirgin]

no need for another word. Read it.

[xjollyrogerx]

i just don't think i understand what you're getting at.. could you write out the line how you see it working for me?

[punkrockvirgin]

This place is warn and treacherous, a depth too often felt
And the smell of of burning flesh and hair is a scent too often

[xjollyrogerx]

but then the line doesn't rhyme...

=((((

[punkrockvirgin]

It doesn't have to.