:'(
so um, i havent been able to stop crying since last night around 5. i argued with scott today, and im gonna copy and paste the whole convo onto my other lj account. basically since last night me n jerry r strictly friends, and scott told me today that he didnt feel bad and that i should just suck it up and get over it becuz it wouldnt have lasted ne way, so he told me i basically had an empty happiness going on, and if thats the case, well then wutever. so im still crying, and it just WONT stop.
i wrote a poem today while i was crying in bed
First day passes by
And my river of tears begins
I didnt want to start to cry
Enyet my heart is left in ruins
It's easy to admit how much i already miss u and need u
But i cant just reach out and grab air
I saw you cry too
But i still think this isn't totally fair
I draw pistures in my head of my heart bieng thrown away
Along with my memories, the ones with you were my happiest
I have so many endless things to say
Like it hurts to see our book shreeded, it was the best"
My hands r broken, because i have no strength to point fingers
My lips are sewn together
Because i no longer have streength to ask "why"
It seems like this pattern of pain will last forever
it feels like I'll never be able to not cry...
so im not really done but thats wut i have so far. but after wut scott told me, if i had an empty happiness, i mean i duno...should i care this much? he told me to get over it, so should i, becuz he said it wouldnt have lasted ne way so to suck it up. that im only a small person who shouldnt even feel this much pain yet.
i kno it wouldnt have lasted, but we coulda had so much happiness.
all becuz me n scott screwed up and made a meaningless mistake.
he shouldnt have confused me for so long and i should have never come over his house.
i found enough strength to wish him happiness, but i also was too hurt to not say some other things
these were our last IMz after i asked him to do me ONe favor
Xtremechick2B: to never even look at me again, becuz i kno i screwed up, and so did u, we could have went about this together, but u went behind my back and ruined my life for this moment, not forevr but for this moment, and i dont think ill ever b able to look at u and not cry remembering wut happened, so i ask u, with all my wishes for u to have the best life, a wonderful happiness, that God bless u and stay with u and keep u happy, and that u never have to feel this pain or cry these tears
Xtremechick2B: well thanx scott, for yur wonderful attempt to shatter my heart with the news me n jer wouldnt even last
Xtremechick2B: i dont care that we wont last scott, i need him now, why dont u just let things happen? why did u have to say that?
Xtremechick2B: that my happiness is meaningless
Xtremechick2B: well even tho u think my happiness is meaningless
Xtremechick2B: i still wish u a good life
Xtremechick2B: becuz u deserve it
Xtremechick2B: so goodbye scott
Xtremechick2B: and never even mention my name again
Fahoogoogades: goodbye
Xtremechick2B: but plz find happiness cuz i believe everyone deserves it
Xtremechick2B: even tho yur showing quite a bit of heartless-ness....so yeh, goodbye
o heres the IM where he said
Fahoogoogades: and ur not gona be with him forever maybe the school year at most , but after that he wants to go to the army or somethin like that
well thanx scott, for yur wonderful attempt to shatter my heart with the news me n jer wouldnt even last
thats wut i meant right there, by his attempt to shatter my heart. i mean yeh of course it wouldnt last forever, but jerry is something beyond special to me, i wanted time to tell how long we would last. sure, im not old, but im living my life AT this moment, and scott just kept telling me to suck it up becuz im too young to care this much. how could someone say that? how could someone judge someone like that?
scott has a lot of growing up to do.
but i competly respect his decision to tell jerry, becuz it was needed to b said, jerry had a right to kno, but the only reason i didnt tell him was becuz i was trying to get a hold of scott for a week to tell him we should tell jerry, cuz i think the right way to go about it is to agree with one another becuz we both screwed up and its my business as much as it is his. i dont kno wut scott told jer, but i just hope he didnt change the story of wut really happened and that he didnt make me look like a bad guy, cuz not to point fingers, but if it werent for scott it wouldnt have gone as far as it did. but this isnt a time to point fingers
now i just have God to b there for me. lol this may sound stupid, but if i had a chance to b a nun right now, i would. becuz its this endless cycle of heartbreak for me, so why continue it?
all i kno is jer's gonna b the only guy id b interested in for a long long time. im not putting my life on hold, im taking time to myself. i dont want someone else, and i normally dont get that feeling, so im just gonna take time to myself. lots n lots of time.
i miss him so much... but maybe scotts right..maybe i should just suck it up and get over it..
he really did tell me to get over it, but i cant remember if he told me to suck it up. i think in a way he did.
its amazing how much someone can experience so early in life, ive gone through a lot, but so have many others. all im saying is yur not too young to feel the way i do. its just a matter of how early in life u exposed yurself to different things and situations.
lol, who was i kidding ne way, i made a promise to myself i wouldnt go out with ne one from vegas. i just knew jer was different tho..and he is, but i shoulda stuck with my promise, cuz i knew i would think they were all different, and they would all prove me wrong. jers different but...it ended kinna rough.
so im gonna go about my life pretending i dont care. lol, wuts an empty laugh or a fake smile here or there gonna do? possibly make a real laugh and smile. so scotts right i should just suck it up and get over it.
now on to a NOTher beggining attempt to start over and b totally happy. wish me luck guys, and God bless
stay frosty