yeah...
my mood today, right now, is sad... i feel like ive done something wrong... and maybe its just this heavy guilt of leaving jerry last night without so much as a goodbye. but i really really didnt plan it! i promise!:'(
ok we were talking and he said he'd b back in like 5 minutes, so im falling asleep waiting for him so i go over to my bed, and i pass out right when i touch the pillow. shoes and all. i feel so bad....he probably came back and was like uh........ok.......
on top of that i think my dad went into my room last night and closed my aim and yahoo becuz they werent responding, actually he closed everything, well duh my yahoo and aim arent responding if u click everything off like a freak theyre gonna wack out, yur supposed to give them time, im friggin patient but my dads not and AAAAAAAARGH i feel so incredibly terrible. my dads done SO many inconsiderate things that i would say to myself "ok im not gonna forgive him for a long time, and ill never forget" and i never do. now becuz of HIM i bet Jerrys either really mad or really upset:'(
:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(
gosh why am i like...whelming up tears...i duno maybe cuz i CARE about Jerry SO FREAKIN MUCH!?! and becuz also my mommy was bieng a meany again...i make it sound so...innocent heh...but its really not. she cant accept the fact that im a kid growing up whos gonna make mistakes. ok now my tears r whelming up a lOT becuz i cant take it somtimes!! why cant my mom just luv me for bieng human!? for bieng NORMAL, and not HER definition of normal?!! im gonna show u guys a poem i wrote about her. its personal, and i want to share it with whoever is reading this so u can see how badly she affects me....
Dear Mom
I wish u would jus physically hit me mom...
Jus swing...
Ey batter, batter
It wouldn’t compare to the damage you do to my heart…
Let dad hit me first...
Then take your shot and hit me so I fly down the stairs
Then run down the stairs…
With your scared face…
Gag me so I don’t cry in pain …
So the neighbors won’t suspect anything is wrong
Or think anything is less than perfect from your unrealistic “perfect” image…
Let your fear tell u not to let me bleed on your precious carpet of Perfection...
Dear Mom...maybe if you’d listen for once…
You wouldn’t mentally scar me all the time…
Because you'd hear my desperate cries of pain...
Those mental blows u take to my head
To my skull
With that blade u always carry to scar my heart....
All these years
All these cuts
Still bleeding
Sorry mom…
I’m bleeding on your precious carpet of perfection…
yep there it is, so wut do u think? it means a lot to me..its called Carpet of Perfection. i wrote it when tears couldnt stop falling off my cheeks and when my eyes just....when my heart had yet again another cut and scar from my mommy. im trying to remember when i wrote it, i think i wrote it after one of our biggest fights, but its a blur, becuz my eyes were.
ne who shes a nice lady sometimes, she was to jer, actually she was mostly quiet and concentrated on her spanish soap opera and trying to avoid eyecontact with him
on the brighter side of thinGS! hehe i had MCDONALDS last night!! my dad got sucked in by 3 commercials..then sahara made my livejournal all koolio, but i wanna change the picture becuz u cant even see wut im writing:-/
well im missing jer but also feeling guilty beyond belief and its gonna b so friggin hard the next time he gets online, and i wanna call to explain but i just dont kno:'(
well stay frosty kids...and eat yur vegetables