Gieokhae [기억해]
How do you manage to put my pain into words and sing it so beautifully?
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Title: Gieokhae [기억해]
Fandom: EXO-L
Characters: Kyungsoo, Baekhyun, Chanyeol is there too if you squint hard enough
Rating: G
Warnings: Angst? YEAH. POSTBREAKUP DRABBLE SO ANGST.
Summary: It's been so long, and yet Kyungsoo can't find it in himself to let go.
Word count: 1,732
THIS IS A BAD ATTEMPT AT WRITING A DRABBLE. I AM SORRY.
Still, this is for S who taught me how to let go. I miss you, footlicker.
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"I'm leaving, Soo."
A soft whisper echoes into Kyungsoo's ear as he lies awake on his bed, staring up at the whiteness of his bedroom, his mind wandering miles away from where he is, and his arm automatically outstretched to seek warmth from a sleeping body next to him. His hand feels nothing, and he folds his arm back to his stomach, balling his hand into a fist.
I’m not dreaming, then. This is real life.
He shifts on to his side, eyeing his nightstand, where a digital clock informs him that it's already 2:43 in the morning. He blinks, glancing at the blinking numbers before him, huffing out a breathe of frustration and a bit of disappointment.
Ah, so it’s already July 10. Huh.
It’s one of those nights, Kyungsoo surmises, where he can’t find sleep no matter how he twists and turns around the mattress, keeping his eyes tight for so long, only to open them to the void that is his ceiling, and that void that keeps burning in his heart. The hole is still in there, seemingly mocking him, reminding Kyungsoo of the entity that once brought life into his heart, color into his pitch black world, and fire to his ice cold kingdom of solitude.
It’s already been seventeen days. Time flies so fast, and yet it feels so slow.
Has his bed always been this wide, he ponders, or has it just seemed to expand now that only one occupant keeps the queen sized bed warm, and not two, as it used to do so less than a month ago? He briefly wonders if the previous co-occupant of his bed misses the mattress and the warmth of the bed, or sharing the bed with Kyungsoo, or living in the same apartment as him, or being with him, but right there, the young man firmly bites his lip, shutting his eyes and forcing his brain to stop- STOP NOW before his mind wanders back to a smiling face he’d rather not think of for the hundredth time this week. Too late, Kyungsoo thinks, as a bright smile and a pair of crescent eyes make its way to his mind, tearing apart his already shattered heart.
“How are you feeling?”
The question is expected, but Kyungsoo stills look up with a flash of surprise in his eyes, it's normal for everyone to be so worried for him, he supposes. He is faced with a set of bright teeth and raised eyebrows, attached to a face that hides nothing, reflecting a look of full concern. It twists something in his stomach, knowing that he is the reason for the slight worry he can see illuminated in the other’s eyes. He places a hand on the other’s shoulder, adding a smile to reassure his companion that yes, he is fine, and that there’s no need to worry, before sipping gingerly into his cup of green tea and shifting his gaze out the café window. He feels a hand squeezing his own over the table, a gesture of encouragement and warmth and he nods softly in understanding.
I know you’re there, but there’s nothing you can do to help me. I’m sorry.
Their footsteps echo on the pavement as they walk in a steady pace, four feet that to match in a single slow rhythm on the asphalt sidewalk. They’re odd mix, Kyungsoo thinks as he glances at the floor, not missing his friend’s long legs in contrast to his short ones. His hand is placed on the other’s arm as he listens to details of an amusing story about a cheesy scene in a romantic drama that his associate is fond of watching. He remembers this scene too, for he has watched bits of it not long ago, propped in his living room couch with his head lying on a soft shoulder and his hand intertwined with another set of slim fingers that tightens its hold whenever he drifts off to sleep.
It’s a pity I was too distracted to watch the whole thing. He used to love it so much.
The pair enters a tall building through a glass door and they head towards the elevator, falling into a comfortable silence as the door closes on the two of them, living Kyungsoo to his thoughts once more. He has a lot on his plate, an unfinished article that is due in two days, and a new assignment that just landed on his department, courtesy of his boss. He knows that it’ll be his responsibility to get the story, as he is the main researcher of his team, but how can he start to pick things up when barely feels like opening his eyes to greet each morning?
I wonder what he’s doing now. Do I even have the right to wonder about him?
He types away in his cubicle, finishing all the piles of research work he’s left behind when he took a short leave to…get back on his feet. Funny, though, Kyungsoo thinks, how the short break from work did nothing but worsen his mood, and in the end of his three day vacation, he accomplished nothing but mastering the art of curling into a ball on his floor and staring at nothing, wondering why he allowed himself to sink into the abyss of misery for someone who probably doesn’t even think of him anymore.
neowa hamkkeyeotdeon geu nal
That day when I was with you
neoro gadeughaetdeon ttaseuhadeon geu nal
That warm day that was filled with you
seuchineun barami geu ttaeui neol gieokhago
The passing wind remembers you back then
An assortment of folders and paper are scattered on the floor, abandoned, and Kyungsoo's hand trembles. He's frozen as he stands on the hallway, as he tilts his head to listen to that sound. That voice. He stares up the office speakers, from which the song continues to play, piercing through his chest like a dagger. There's another voice that joins in the song, but Kyungsoo's ears only focus on that certain soft and breathy voice his heart knows so well.
sueobsi manheun naldeuri
Countless days have passed
seuchyeo jinagago adeukhaejyeo
and are fading
heuteojyeobeorin sigan soge neol
In the scattering time
amuri geuriwohaebwado
No matter how much I long for you
deullijido anhneun neoui gieok
I can’t hear your memories
His breath hitches, as he brings the back of his hand to his face. He's crying, he realizes, as he tries to stop himself from fully sobbing miserably into the empty hall, and somehow, he's thankful that he's the only one who volunteered to stay behind longer in his department. He feels his chest constricting, and the pain often comes to him that he should be used to it, but he's caught off guard everytime he feels himself crumble into pieces, and this time, as the melody fills his ears, the sting is almost unbearable.
How do you manage to put my pain into words and sing it so beautifully?
amuri ijeuryeo haedo
No matter how hard I try to forget you
tto amuri geuriwohaedo
No matter how much I long for you
geu narui neoreul
You, back then
nan
I
neol, neol gieokhae
remember you
The guitar strums fade into nothing, and Kyungsoo hears an applause, and the DJ, he assumes, congratulating the singers for their new collaborative single, and if he would please tell the fans more about how this sad and beautiful melody came to be. Kyungsoo hears a nervous laugh, and a greeting of "Hello everyone, I'm Byun Baekhyun, and I've released this new song with K. Will sunbaenim, and..."
Kyungsoo picks up all his papers from the floor and marches out to the elevator. He doesn't want to hear any more. His head aches and he can’t bear to hear anything more without breaking down and making a mess of himself.
It’s 1:19 in the morning, and Kyungsoo is wide awake.
“Kyungsoo, pick up, please. We need to talk. Call me back, please?”
His hands are shaking, and he feels as if he’s about to pass out. Still, Kyungsoo manages to reach out for his phone on the floor, pressing a shaky finger on the ‘call’ button and pressing the device to his ear. How long has it been since that voice has been on his phone? How many times has he deleted that number, only to retype it on his contacts because he knows it like the back of his hand, how long has it been since the other person on the line and Kyungsoo last talked? He can’t remember, because he feels numb all over. He almost presses the ‘end call’ button when-
Did he somehow find out that I broke into a crying mess because of him?
“Kyungsoo? Are you there?”
Silence. He doesn’t trust his voice right now, so he just breathes and listens to that voice for the third time today. He can already feel his eyes watering, and it’s only been four words.
“Talk to me, please. Soo, I…”
The voice is trembling too, Kyungsoo notices. He briefly wonders if the man has cried recently too, like he did. His grip is tight on his phone and his other hand is balled into a tight fist around his shirt, holding the thin material as if his sanity depended on it.
“Are you still there, Kyungie? Don’t ignore me, please…”
He opens his mouth and mumbles, and it’s almost a whisper but the voice on the other end clearly heard him, if the gasp that followed was an indicator.
“What did you say?”
He breathes and tries to find that tune again, before whispering into the other line,
“I…remember.”
Ten minutes later, there’s an insistent pounding on a wooden surface and Kyungsoo almost runs to his door, hastily opening the entry to his home, and a pair of arms wrap around him tightly, and he hears a choked sob on his shoulder. They stand like that for so long, two bodies close together and afraid to let go of the other, afraid to be separated again. When they finally pull away, his tearful eyes are met with a pair that’s also streaming with tears and he brings his hand up to wipe them away, before placing their lips together and molding their hearts whole.
“I- I’m home, Kyungsoo. I’m home and I’m never leaving again.”