Story: And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.
Title: And now these three remain: faith, hope and love (Corinthians 13:13). Part III
Author:
xiotonks
Fandom: Criminal Mind
Pairing: Emily/JJ, Emily/OFC
Disclaimer: I don't own them. If I did I'd sell Will and JJ and buy Jenny Shepard from NCIS
Ratings: PG-13 if you are really, really fussy
Warnings: Will maybe - and JJ friends won't probably be too happy with me, Spoilers for Lo-fi
Summary: And suddenly she's nobody left to talk to...
AN: HUGE thanks to kassandra_luem for doing her beta thing and putting up with my sometimes rather stupid mistakes.
AN2: I started this while I was in Taizé this summer.It probably shows.
III.
On October, 21st, Emily suddenly finds herself in a church. She woke early in the morning, took a shower, grabbed her car keys and left her condo without even thinking about where she was headed. She drove for hours until stopping, suddenly, in a small village, in front of a tiny church that is actually more like a chapel. Emily hasn’t been in a church for ages. The last time was the funeral service for her grandmother when she was 12. Sure, she has been praying for a while now but that is more like a conversation with someone she trusts. If she had a best friend from her childhood or a close relationship with her mother she might have these conversations with one of them instead but she doesn’t. And so the only person Emily is talking to - besides from work conversations about murdering psychopaths with her profiler colleagues - is God To Emily, this has nothing to do with the church or believing in the pope as God’s rightful substitute on earth (she sure as hell wouldn’t want to have one of these conversations with him!) or whatsoever.
Still, on October, 21st, she reluctantly pushes open the heavy oak doors and takes a few slow steps into the dimly lit room, her heels clicking on the stone floor. Carefully, maybe to avoid being seen, a stranger in the house of God, she slides into the back row, silently taking in the impressive decoration - probably even more impressing because of the almost darkness and absolute silence surrounding her. She imagines another church. Bigger. Lighter. Crowded. Fucking 21st is the day JJ is getting married. Somewhere in Pennsylvania, JJ and Detective LaMontagne are standing right in front of the altar. When the press liaison announced her wedding date, almost everyone of the BAU had been invited - even Rossi. Everyone but Emily Prentiss. The one that all of them had expected to be JJ’s brides maid just a few months before. Before fucking New York. Before Emily lost her nerves because she was so damn glad that it hadn’t been JJ’s SUV shredded to pieces. Instead it is now Garcia who is standing next to JJ when the latter says, “Yes”. Darling Garcia who didn’t even want to attend the wedding when she realized that Emily hadn’t received an invitation like everyone else.
She snaps out of her thoughts when she feels a warm hand on her arm. Turning her head, she finds herself looking into kind brown eyes. Somehow unnoticed by her, the priest has materialized next to her. So much for the constant vigilance of an FBI agent. She expects him to say something, ask her what she’s doing here but he doesn’t. Instead, folding his hands in his lap, he directs his gaze to the front again. For some time nothing but the sound of their breathing fills the room. Then she hears herself say,
“I haven’t been in a church for 27 years.”
The priest smiles, still saying nothing, for which she is for some reason thankful.
“I don’t know why though. It’s quiet. Peaceful even.”
He smiles again.
“Is it possible to become a whole new person in only a few months?” she asks after more minutes have passed, this time, however, expecting an answer.
“Under certain circumstances I would think so, yes”, he replies, his warm, brown eyes once again settling on her. She nods. Why does she even ask? She is a profiler. She knows that things can make people change.
“I’m thinking about giving up my job”, she says, only realizing when she says it that it’s true.
“What do you do?” he asks, his tone clearly stating that she doesn’t have to answer if she doesn’t want to.
“I’m with the FBI. Profiling.”
He nods. And again, there’s silence between them.
“Person I love is getting married today.”
“Ahhh”, he makes, sounding like he just understood something.
“She working with you?”
She can only nod because of the shock of hearing a priest, of all people, saying so casually what she’s been trying to hide from her mother for the better part of her life.
“I see”, he says. “Does she know?”
“Yeah”, she chuckles bitterly. “Stupidest thing I’ve ever done was telling her after an explosion how glad I was that she was alive. Because losing her would have destroyed me.”
“And?”
“And nothing. She hasn’t even talked to me for months. Which is bad because our team lives together almost 24/7.”
“Why hand in you badge? Why not just ask for a transfer?” Valid point.
“I’ve been working for the better part of my life to get into this team. My whole career with the bureau was directed by nothing but the wish to become a member of this unit. Working anywhere else would feel like a failure.”
“So what are the alternatives?” he wants to know and suddenly it strikes her that he’s really interested.
“I could take the foreign service exam. I’m actually too old to join but I have connections.”
“Would it make you happy?”
The question sounds hollow in her ears. Nothing can make her happy. Maybe it would help her to live with the pain. But being away from JJ cannot make her happy. And being with her is even worse.
“No”, she simply says. And he says nothing because there’s nothing to be said.