Story: The Pain Of Silence
Two hours after the funeral service had ended, the whole NCIS delegation had again boarded SecNav’s private jet to head back to Washington. While Jethro’s team and Doctor Mallard were sitting in the main room in the back of the plane, Jenny had retreated to the SecNav’s private office behind the cockpit.
She had assumed it would take a while for the fact that she had just buried her lover to sink in. Exhausted, she closed her eyes. She heard the door to her refuge open, heard foots steps enter the room but the person remained silent.
Suppressing the urge to curse him or her she opened her eyes only to discover Ducky standing in the doorway. With a tired wave of her hand she gestured for him to come in and close the door. A bit insecure and nervous - so completely unduckyish - he took the seat in front of her.
“What can I do for you, Doctor Mallard?” she said finally after a few minutes of pressing silence.
“I actually wanted ask you the same question, Director, and to tell you how greatly I admire your strength.”
Confusion clearly written on her face, Jenny raised her eyebrows. “I don’t know what would make say something like that but, thank you, Doctor.”
Unlike Jenny, realization seemed to dawn on Ducky’s features. “Oh dear. I assumed Caitlin told you that she…”
Hearing Kate’s name fall from his lips, Jenny gasped; she gasped again when it sunk in that Ducky knew that they… that they had known each other. “Told me what?” she demanded sharply, as always her exhaustion resulting in snappishness.
“Told you that I knew of your relationship. That the two of you were very much in love.”
Finally hearing someone say it was the straw that broke the camels back, it opened the flood gates for Jenny. She felt tears well up in her eyes, felt a lump rise in her throat and tears threaten to fall. Forcefully biting her lower lip brought fresh tears of physical pain to her eyes but this time it did nothing to numb the emotional agony.
She hadn’t shed a tear since she had been told about Kate’s death; instead she had switched into what quickly seemed to become her ‘Director’s mode’. Cool, Distant, Emotionless. Not a bit like a woman who had just lost her lover. But now she couldn’t hold back anymore. She felt her façade crumble and the pain finally get the better of her, loathing herself because she showed weakness in front of an employee. She turned her back towards the old Medical Examiner, hiding her face but failing to conceal the shaking of her shoulders.
“She did what?” she snapped when her chest had stopped constricting in sheer torture.
“She told me that…” Ducky began in a voice that one would usually use with an especially stupid child.
“I heard what you said!” she interrupted harshly. She couldn’t believe her ears. It was impossible that Kate had broken her trust in such a shameful way. How could she have told anyone when they had both agreed not to? That it would have put everything in danger, everything both of them had ever tried to achieve could have been lost.
“When?” she asked, the anger in her eyes eventually making way for desperation.
Ducky swallowed, slowly lowered his gaze to the table-top and drew in a deep breath. Jenny couldn’t name the expression he had when their eyes met again.
“Right after you were released from the hospital after being shot in Egypt.” Involuntarily she touched her hand to her left thigh where she had taken the bullet. Guilt flooded her when she remembered the fight they had had after Kate had found Jenny’s order back to Cairo.
“Here, let me take that“, Kate said after she had pushed open the front door and turned to take the bag from Jenny. Opening her mouth to reply that she had only taken a bullet to the thigh not to the head, she thought differently in the last second, deciding that causing a fight before she had even gotten home from Bethesda probably wasn’t a good idea. Obediently she let Kate lead her into her own house.
Inside she was ordered to lie down on the sofa while Kate unpacked her bag. Sighing, she surrendered and did as she was told. Closing her eyes, she was just on the way of slipping into sleep when she heard Kate’s steps in the hallway. A second later Kate’s body was blocking the light that came through the window.
“What’s this”, she heard Kate hiss angrily and opened her eyes again.
Kate was holding the letter from SecNav that she had received two days ago. The order back to Cairo two weeks after her release from Bethesda. Shit. Kate wasn’t meant to see that. She had planned to break the news to her in a more relaxed atmosphere.
“Classified”, she said, knowing that she made a huge mistake.
“Classified my ass!” Alright. Kate really was angry, if she used one of the ‘bad words’.
Jenny said nothing.
“When were you going to tell me?”
“Dunno” she mumbled. “When I found the right moment to.”
“What? The right moment to tell me that you can’t wait to get yourself shot again? You could have died out there”
“But I didn’t.” She hated fighting with Kate. The men she worked with she could verbally kill within minutes but Kate was different. While fighting with Kate she constantly said the wrong things.
“No, you didn’t” Kate said angrily. “But to me it seems as if you can’t wait to try again. To whom do you want to prove that you’re a good agent now? They have all understood, Jenny.”
“I don’t have to prove anything.”
“Then don’t throw yourself into combat like that.”
“I’m not throwing myself into combat. And besides, the term’s not combat. It’s an undercover assignment.”
“You…” Kate stared at her open mouthed. “You are worse than a man sometimes.” The next moment Jenny heard the front door being slammed shut.
She blinked as the memory subsided, shame pulsing through her veins at the thought of what Kate must have felt back then. That for a moment, when she had been notified of Jenny being shot in the field, she must have felt the same pain that Jenny was feeling now, the merciless knowledge that she would never be able to put her arms around her lover again. Then she had come home and the first thing she had done while Kate had tried everything to make her feel better, to spoil her, was telling her -albeit between the lines - that her damn assignment in Cairo was more important than her own life, her life with Kate and her lover’s happiness. She had been a complete asshole.
How could she be angry at Kate for needing someone to confide in and to comfort her when the love of her life had failed to do so? Had put her in that situation of need in first place. Self-disgust possessed her, made her sick of herself and her behavior. Slowly she sank to her knees, the last bit of her famous self-discipline long since faded away. She wanted to say something, to thank Ducky for having been there when she had not been, for helping Kate deal with being treated like shit and for helping her to find the strength of giving her lover, - the source of pain -, another chance. But she found that that grief made it impossible to talk, forcing her throat to stay silent while her body was shaken with sobs and her eyes blinded by tears.
Ducky groaned as he knelt down beside her, making Jenny aware of his age which his still so youthful mind concealed and it only made Jenny cry harder. It was a sign of her complete and utter surrender that she didn’t resist when Ducky pulled her into his arms, comforting her probably in the same way in which he had offered his comfort to her now dead lover; and for the first time since Kate, Jenny was feeling safe enough to let the tears fall and not force them away which she couldn’t have done anymore anyway even if Ducky hadn’t been there. She held onto the old man’s arms like a drowning man would a life-line, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to stay sane and alive without it. Several moments later she felt Ducky’s breath on her hair when he said;
“you know, Jennifer, we are supposed to touch down in a little less than fifteen minutes. It may be possible to get you out of the jet unseen but I doubt that Jethro would leave you alone for long if he didn’t see you disembark with the rest of us.” Jenny swallowed; she didn’t want to let go. Letting go of Ducky now meant accepting that Kate really was gone and that she had to be the Director again, an honor that seemed less desirable with the knowledge that no one would be at home to be proud of her- and that there was no chance of finding again what she had lost.
As she stood up and, with an embarrassed half-smile, took the handkerchief that the old doctor held out for her she came to realize that, while she had always thought people who took their own lives to be weak and somehow less… valuable persons, she now understood that death could appear more attractive than a life in loneliness.
Apparently Ducky could sense her thoughts because he eyed her skeptically and said with one raised eyebrow, “I’d be happier knowing that you are not alone tonight. Perhaps you should sleep in our guest bedroom for one night? I suppose you don’t want to stay in Jethro’s basement.”
The thought of having to explain why she wasn’t in Ducky’s eyes able to stay alone made her pale. “Really, I’m fine, doctor”, she said harshly, her throat feeling as dry as the Californian desert.
“Oh, don’t try to fool me, Jennifer. We both know that you are not and I will not let you be alone tonight.”
Jenny forced herself not to cry out in frustration. Who did Ducky think she was? Anything, it appeared, but his boss. “Alright”, she snapped, her self-discipline slowly returning. “Alright. If you have to make sure that I lose the last ounce of self-respect I have, call Bob. Bob Summers that is, ex junior Senator of Ohio. Number’s in my purse. Purse is on the desk.” She felt the self-disgust increase again at being so rude to Ducky; really she did feel bad about it. But she hated being treated like a child. As if she couldn’t take care of herself. Perhaps she couldn’t right now but she still couldn’t stand being treated like it.
“Senator Bob Summers? Does he…?”
“Yes, he knows, Ducky. Now do what you have to. But outside, I need to freshen up.”
Her voice was the first thing to switch back into Director’s mode. For a moment she saw anger flash through Ducky’s eyes but the old man only shrugged his shoulders, took the cell phone she held out to him and left the room.
“You’re a bitch, Shepard!” she hissed into the silence that enveloped her after the ME had closed the door behind him and left her alone. Cursing herself further she opened her purse, and with shaking hands took out her makeup bag. It was time to make herself look decent again. Just as she closed the bag the pilot announced that touchdown was only a few minutes away, she fastened the seat belt and silently was happy to know that with Bob there her house wouldn’t be as empty and scary as was the thought of being left alone.
Bob Summers’ car was already waiting when Jenny left the jet. She had made sure to be the first one to disembark so Ducky could see that she didn’t leave alone. Without a word Bob took her into his arms, the gentlemanlike behavior from their first meetings replaced by a friendship that was, although not being anything near deep, the only thing close to a friendship Jenny had.
“Take me home, Bob”, she mumbled into his jacket, unwilling to let anyone else see her tears that left her voice shaking again. He nodded and gently led her to the black limousine that stood ready a few feet away. At least tonight, she would be able to pull through
She had assumed it would take a while for the fact that she had just buried her lover to sink in. Exhausted, she closed her eyes. She heard the door to her refuge open, heard foots steps enter the room but the person remained silent.
Suppressing the urge to curse him or her she opened her eyes only to discover Ducky standing in the doorway. With a tired wave of her hand she gestured for him to come in and close the door. A bit insecure and nervous - so completely unduckyish - he took the seat in front of her.
“What can I do for you, Doctor Mallard?” she said finally after a few minutes of pressing silence.
“I actually wanted ask you the same question, Director, and to tell you how greatly I admire your strength.”
Confusion clearly written on her face, Jenny raised her eyebrows. “I don’t know what would make say something like that but, thank you, Doctor.”
Unlike Jenny, realization seemed to dawn on Ducky’s features. “Oh dear. I assumed Caitlin told you that she…”
Hearing Kate’s name fall from his lips, Jenny gasped; she gasped again when it sunk in that Ducky knew that they… that they had known each other. “Told me what?” she demanded sharply, as always her exhaustion resulting in snappishness.
“Told you that I knew of your relationship. That the two of you were very much in love.”
Finally hearing someone say it was the straw that broke the camels back, it opened the flood gates for Jenny. She felt tears well up in her eyes, felt a lump rise in her throat and tears threaten to fall. Forcefully biting her lower lip brought fresh tears of physical pain to her eyes but this time it did nothing to numb the emotional agony.
She hadn’t shed a tear since she had been told about Kate’s death; instead she had switched into what quickly seemed to become her ‘Director’s mode’. Cool, Distant, Emotionless. Not a bit like a woman who had just lost her lover. But now she couldn’t hold back anymore. She felt her façade crumble and the pain finally get the better of her, loathing herself because she showed weakness in front of an employee. She turned her back towards the old Medical Examiner, hiding her face but failing to conceal the shaking of her shoulders.
“She did what?” she snapped when her chest had stopped constricting in sheer torture.
“She told me that…” Ducky began in a voice that one would usually use with an especially stupid child.
“I heard what you said!” she interrupted harshly. She couldn’t believe her ears. It was impossible that Kate had broken her trust in such a shameful way. How could she have told anyone when they had both agreed not to? That it would have put everything in danger, everything both of them had ever tried to achieve could have been lost.
“When?” she asked, the anger in her eyes eventually making way for desperation.
Ducky swallowed, slowly lowered his gaze to the table-top and drew in a deep breath. Jenny couldn’t name the expression he had when their eyes met again.
“Right after you were released from the hospital after being shot in Egypt.” Involuntarily she touched her hand to her left thigh where she had taken the bullet. Guilt flooded her when she remembered the fight they had had after Kate had found Jenny’s order back to Cairo.
“Here, let me take that“, Kate said after she had pushed open the front door and turned to take the bag from Jenny. Opening her mouth to reply that she had only taken a bullet to the thigh not to the head, she thought differently in the last second, deciding that causing a fight before she had even gotten home from Bethesda probably wasn’t a good idea. Obediently she let Kate lead her into her own house.
Inside she was ordered to lie down on the sofa while Kate unpacked her bag. Sighing, she surrendered and did as she was told. Closing her eyes, she was just on the way of slipping into sleep when she heard Kate’s steps in the hallway. A second later Kate’s body was blocking the light that came through the window.
“What’s this”, she heard Kate hiss angrily and opened her eyes again.
Kate was holding the letter from SecNav that she had received two days ago. The order back to Cairo two weeks after her release from Bethesda. Shit. Kate wasn’t meant to see that. She had planned to break the news to her in a more relaxed atmosphere.
“Classified”, she said, knowing that she made a huge mistake.
“Classified my ass!” Alright. Kate really was angry, if she used one of the ‘bad words’.
Jenny said nothing.
“When were you going to tell me?”
“Dunno” she mumbled. “When I found the right moment to.”
“What? The right moment to tell me that you can’t wait to get yourself shot again? You could have died out there”
“But I didn’t.” She hated fighting with Kate. The men she worked with she could verbally kill within minutes but Kate was different. While fighting with Kate she constantly said the wrong things.
“No, you didn’t” Kate said angrily. “But to me it seems as if you can’t wait to try again. To whom do you want to prove that you’re a good agent now? They have all understood, Jenny.”
“I don’t have to prove anything.”
“Then don’t throw yourself into combat like that.”
“I’m not throwing myself into combat. And besides, the term’s not combat. It’s an undercover assignment.”
“You…” Kate stared at her open mouthed. “You are worse than a man sometimes.” The next moment Jenny heard the front door being slammed shut.
She blinked as the memory subsided, shame pulsing through her veins at the thought of what Kate must have felt back then. That for a moment, when she had been notified of Jenny being shot in the field, she must have felt the same pain that Jenny was feeling now, the merciless knowledge that she would never be able to put her arms around her lover again. Then she had come home and the first thing she had done while Kate had tried everything to make her feel better, to spoil her, was telling her -albeit between the lines - that her damn assignment in Cairo was more important than her own life, her life with Kate and her lover’s happiness. She had been a complete asshole.
How could she be angry at Kate for needing someone to confide in and to comfort her when the love of her life had failed to do so? Had put her in that situation of need in first place. Self-disgust possessed her, made her sick of herself and her behavior. Slowly she sank to her knees, the last bit of her famous self-discipline long since faded away. She wanted to say something, to thank Ducky for having been there when she had not been, for helping Kate deal with being treated like shit and for helping her to find the strength of giving her lover, - the source of pain -, another chance. But she found that that grief made it impossible to talk, forcing her throat to stay silent while her body was shaken with sobs and her eyes blinded by tears.
Ducky groaned as he knelt down beside her, making Jenny aware of his age which his still so youthful mind concealed and it only made Jenny cry harder. It was a sign of her complete and utter surrender that she didn’t resist when Ducky pulled her into his arms, comforting her probably in the same way in which he had offered his comfort to her now dead lover; and for the first time since Kate, Jenny was feeling safe enough to let the tears fall and not force them away which she couldn’t have done anymore anyway even if Ducky hadn’t been there. She held onto the old man’s arms like a drowning man would a life-line, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to stay sane and alive without it. Several moments later she felt Ducky’s breath on her hair when he said;
“you know, Jennifer, we are supposed to touch down in a little less than fifteen minutes. It may be possible to get you out of the jet unseen but I doubt that Jethro would leave you alone for long if he didn’t see you disembark with the rest of us.” Jenny swallowed; she didn’t want to let go. Letting go of Ducky now meant accepting that Kate really was gone and that she had to be the Director again, an honor that seemed less desirable with the knowledge that no one would be at home to be proud of her- and that there was no chance of finding again what she had lost.
As she stood up and, with an embarrassed half-smile, took the handkerchief that the old doctor held out for her she came to realize that, while she had always thought people who took their own lives to be weak and somehow less… valuable persons, she now understood that death could appear more attractive than a life in loneliness.
Apparently Ducky could sense her thoughts because he eyed her skeptically and said with one raised eyebrow, “I’d be happier knowing that you are not alone tonight. Perhaps you should sleep in our guest bedroom for one night? I suppose you don’t want to stay in Jethro’s basement.”
The thought of having to explain why she wasn’t in Ducky’s eyes able to stay alone made her pale. “Really, I’m fine, doctor”, she said harshly, her throat feeling as dry as the Californian desert.
“Oh, don’t try to fool me, Jennifer. We both know that you are not and I will not let you be alone tonight.”
Jenny forced herself not to cry out in frustration. Who did Ducky think she was? Anything, it appeared, but his boss. “Alright”, she snapped, her self-discipline slowly returning. “Alright. If you have to make sure that I lose the last ounce of self-respect I have, call Bob. Bob Summers that is, ex junior Senator of Ohio. Number’s in my purse. Purse is on the desk.” She felt the self-disgust increase again at being so rude to Ducky; really she did feel bad about it. But she hated being treated like a child. As if she couldn’t take care of herself. Perhaps she couldn’t right now but she still couldn’t stand being treated like it.
“Senator Bob Summers? Does he…?”
“Yes, he knows, Ducky. Now do what you have to. But outside, I need to freshen up.”
Her voice was the first thing to switch back into Director’s mode. For a moment she saw anger flash through Ducky’s eyes but the old man only shrugged his shoulders, took the cell phone she held out to him and left the room.
“You’re a bitch, Shepard!” she hissed into the silence that enveloped her after the ME had closed the door behind him and left her alone. Cursing herself further she opened her purse, and with shaking hands took out her makeup bag. It was time to make herself look decent again. Just as she closed the bag the pilot announced that touchdown was only a few minutes away, she fastened the seat belt and silently was happy to know that with Bob there her house wouldn’t be as empty and scary as was the thought of being left alone.
Bob Summers’ car was already waiting when Jenny left the jet. She had made sure to be the first one to disembark so Ducky could see that she didn’t leave alone. Without a word Bob took her into his arms, the gentlemanlike behavior from their first meetings replaced by a friendship that was, although not being anything near deep, the only thing close to a friendship Jenny had.
“Take me home, Bob”, she mumbled into his jacket, unwilling to let anyone else see her tears that left her voice shaking again. He nodded and gently led her to the black limousine that stood ready a few feet away. At least tonight, she would be able to pull through