Next choices with baby
(Insert obligatory "I haven't logged in here for awhile!")
One of the most challenging things about having a baby is feeling constantly distracted and having this inability to concentrate on one thing because I have so many things to do, and there just isn't enough time. It's like having a job where 90% of your income covers bills and necessities, but you also want to buy a coffee. But what if an emergency comes up? The unexpected? So, for example, my social life is sort of a necessity, but not in the same way time for eating, working, etc. are. And yet, I spend way too much time on facebook. It's good for 10 minute bursts of "feeling" social, even though it's not really actually social. I'm realizing that I spend so little time interacting with people these days, it's almost as if I've forgotten how.
But that's not really where I want to be going here. A little before I became pregnant, I started really wanting to jumpstart my career. And then, about a month later, I found out I was pregnant. And now, I find myself bouncing between wishing it were possible to stay home (in part because I imagine there would be more time in my life for everything) and wanting to punch through and do more with my career. Before C was born, I used to stay about an hour or more beyond what I was expected to stay at work. And I often worked through my lunches. And I would sometimes work over the weekend. Now, I never stay past my set time to be at work, and I take about an hour to pump every day. I'm not putting as much effort into it.
Meanwhile, work has been uninspiring, and I feel like I have constantly been about 8 weeks or more behind--8 weeks being the time I spent away on my leave. I'm also one of two non-administrative staff who don't have an office. And there are many vacant offices available. I've brought this up with my boss, and he has told me he is checking to see that there won't be a reorganization that will fill up those offices. In the meanwhile, I'm just not feeling invested in my work. And I hate that feeling. I hate knowing that I'm not the best worker I can be, and of course, it's really a self-fulfilling prophecy. And I'm not sure how to break out of it.
And...I've been asked to apply at another, wholly unrelated job. I'm feeling intimidated and am questioning whether I'm good enough for it. I'm trying to be that woman from several months ago to *make* myself do it because it's what I need. But I just keep myself questioning, instead of mentally feeling great about it. It's scarier to leave a cushy environment when I know I can be home by 6 and will have adequate sick/vacation time and all those other things that come into play with kids. This other job? Involves some travel. Is in the suburbs. And it's generally not as predictable simply because I'm not doing it yet. I feel like I'm momentarily, mentally holding myself in a limbo of sorts. (For the record, this job was just posted today, so I'm not spending loads of time agonizing over it.) Going after this job would mean lots of more changes; for example, moving about 10 miles west to the suburbs would make a huge difference, and that's something I've thought about anyway. Going after this particular job would push me beyond this limbo I'm holding myself in, but I'm still scared of the changes. I'm scared of not getting home for bedtimes. I'm scared of my husband getting so much closer to her than I am. As it is, this is something I sometimes fear as it is, since he is able to stay home with her more. I'm also scared of the person I have become if only because I could not have predicted this several months ago. This job, for comparison's sake, would pay ~80-110% more than my current job. And I think I would like it more. I just still feel like I have no idea how career mothers do it. It's much harder than I thought it would be. And I know I have it comparatively easy right now: short commute, substantial holiday/vacation/sick time, short work days, relatively low stress environment, etc.
One of the most challenging things about having a baby is feeling constantly distracted and having this inability to concentrate on one thing because I have so many things to do, and there just isn't enough time. It's like having a job where 90% of your income covers bills and necessities, but you also want to buy a coffee. But what if an emergency comes up? The unexpected? So, for example, my social life is sort of a necessity, but not in the same way time for eating, working, etc. are. And yet, I spend way too much time on facebook. It's good for 10 minute bursts of "feeling" social, even though it's not really actually social. I'm realizing that I spend so little time interacting with people these days, it's almost as if I've forgotten how.
But that's not really where I want to be going here. A little before I became pregnant, I started really wanting to jumpstart my career. And then, about a month later, I found out I was pregnant. And now, I find myself bouncing between wishing it were possible to stay home (in part because I imagine there would be more time in my life for everything) and wanting to punch through and do more with my career. Before C was born, I used to stay about an hour or more beyond what I was expected to stay at work. And I often worked through my lunches. And I would sometimes work over the weekend. Now, I never stay past my set time to be at work, and I take about an hour to pump every day. I'm not putting as much effort into it.
Meanwhile, work has been uninspiring, and I feel like I have constantly been about 8 weeks or more behind--8 weeks being the time I spent away on my leave. I'm also one of two non-administrative staff who don't have an office. And there are many vacant offices available. I've brought this up with my boss, and he has told me he is checking to see that there won't be a reorganization that will fill up those offices. In the meanwhile, I'm just not feeling invested in my work. And I hate that feeling. I hate knowing that I'm not the best worker I can be, and of course, it's really a self-fulfilling prophecy. And I'm not sure how to break out of it.
And...I've been asked to apply at another, wholly unrelated job. I'm feeling intimidated and am questioning whether I'm good enough for it. I'm trying to be that woman from several months ago to *make* myself do it because it's what I need. But I just keep myself questioning, instead of mentally feeling great about it. It's scarier to leave a cushy environment when I know I can be home by 6 and will have adequate sick/vacation time and all those other things that come into play with kids. This other job? Involves some travel. Is in the suburbs. And it's generally not as predictable simply because I'm not doing it yet. I feel like I'm momentarily, mentally holding myself in a limbo of sorts. (For the record, this job was just posted today, so I'm not spending loads of time agonizing over it.) Going after this job would mean lots of more changes; for example, moving about 10 miles west to the suburbs would make a huge difference, and that's something I've thought about anyway. Going after this particular job would push me beyond this limbo I'm holding myself in, but I'm still scared of the changes. I'm scared of not getting home for bedtimes. I'm scared of my husband getting so much closer to her than I am. As it is, this is something I sometimes fear as it is, since he is able to stay home with her more. I'm also scared of the person I have become if only because I could not have predicted this several months ago. This job, for comparison's sake, would pay ~80-110% more than my current job. And I think I would like it more. I just still feel like I have no idea how career mothers do it. It's much harder than I thought it would be. And I know I have it comparatively easy right now: short commute, substantial holiday/vacation/sick time, short work days, relatively low stress environment, etc.