.:Finding My Place:.
Hi buddies :]
Well, I haven't written in a long time, the sole reason being because someone I used to call a friend decided to read my journal and criticize someone I wrote to. Someone they know nothing about, someone they've never met or spoken to, nor will ever meet or speak to in their lives. That's a major no-no for me. I passionately dislike when people talk badly about someone who's not able to defend themselves, nor should they even have to defend themselves. We're all people: we all make mistakes and we all make decisions that we believe are best for us or others at the time we're confronted with them. We are who we are. We're either part of the lucky few who are people they like being, or we're people who are unhappy being who we are or the state we're in and striving with all our might to fix it and be someone we like, or we hate ourselves and do nothing about it. Even those of us who hate ourselves and just drag along letting things happen to us or making bad decisions in some way dislike what we're doing and don't need to be put down farther because that's just gonna push us farther into our bad habits and distaste. I didn't write this journal to cause envy or drama. I write in this journal to get things out. I probably have read this journal more times than the number of people who have read it once. I go back, I reflect. I find the emotions I dislike and strive to tweak and change. I find the ways that I've grown weaker or stronger on each passing day. If you want to be a part of that, go for it, that's why this is here, but it is NOT here to bring any more negativity in the world. I have enough negativity in my words to make up for all of your negative feelings towards me, what I think, what I feel, what I have to say to other people. On that note, if you're the person who I'm talking about, leave. You're no longer welcome in my world or any part of it. I thought you were someone I could talk to, someone who would understand, but I was wrong. Your words were towards Josh, yes, but I will protect those who've been there for me. Your words were meant to hurt him without him even knowing [which by the way was a cowardly move on your part], but they hurt me. They showed me that you don't have faith in my decisions on who I befriend and you don't have faith in the fact that I am learning from my previous mistakes...you pretty much told me "You're still not good enough. You will continue to stumble. Your faith is false." I don't need to be told that. Even if it's all true, let me hold on to the temporary happiness I've found until I find the truth. I need those moments to keep me going, to keep me sane, to let me know that there's some goodness in everybody no matter how long the period of time they show it to you. You put me on the defensive in a situation that you really had no part in. So do me a favor, don't get into my thoughts anymore, don't pretend you understand me because obviously there's a lot of things you don't know. Don't IM me with "Happy Thanksgiving" or all your fake good wishes to me. I don't want them, I don't need them. I have people in my life who wish me happiness and mean it every second. I have people who provide that happiness for me.
Which brings me to the most important thing going on for me right now. My Matt.
http://www.realpics.net/Profile.php?User=YEAH_WHAT_OK
If you think that internet relationships are fake or bullshit, I can't say I blame you. That's how I felt about it too. Matt proved me wrong. You -can- fall in love with words on a screen, something I never realized before. There are fingers hitting those keys, typing all those words, and those fingers only work if the person's heart and brain allow them to. Sometimes the words are fake, but you can't say you've never been lied to by words passing through someone's lips. Words passing through lips are also at times sincere, and I've found sincerity and care and love and happiness in my Matt.
It's true, I don't know what it feels like to touch him, to hug him, to kiss him, but one day soon, I will. And I'll love every moment of it.
Through all the shit I've been going through lately, Matt's been there to bring me a smile and remind me of all the heavenly gifts God has put for us on Earth. Matt's my angel. My little piece of heaven. That's what he'll always be to me, my whole life, no matter what curves lie ahead. I'm taking hold of his hand and taking him with me, in what capacity I don't know. But I hope it's in the capacity I dream of every night. I hope it's in the capacity that he promises to me.
Matt, with you, I feel like I can never falter. I'm terrified I'll do or say something to let you down, to make you see that I'm not what you're looking for, but at the same time, I know it won't ever happen. Every second that passes, every thought, every action, every word contains thoughts of you. Even if it has nothing to do with you, in the back of my mind and in my heart, your name repeats itself to me. You're absolutely beautiful and wondrous to me. You're my only perfect 10, because you have the heart inside that goooorgeous body of yours. :] I don't even know what to say, besides what I've written in letters, or told you on the phone, or told you online, and even those things never seem good enough. I can't wait until you're here..and when I'm there..and start a life with you. There's so many things I've always dreamt of experiencing, but the dreams have been altered to include you. I hope you know what a dream you are to me, and how I never want to spend a moment without you. Without loving you and knowing you love me too.
I hope I can provide everything you want in this world, and I know what you'll say, all you want is me. Without a doubt, you know you already have that and always will. But I want to provide so much more. And I'm gonna try hard as fuck to do so.
I miss you like hell right now, but I know soon you'll be on here, or I'll hear your voice on the phone, and feel like this again -> :D Until then, know that I'm thinking of you and sending you all the love I have to give.
I love you babe. Muah. <3
Oh wait. I almost forgot. I lost my twistie tie today, but I just found it. :D <3
Well, I haven't written in a long time, the sole reason being because someone I used to call a friend decided to read my journal and criticize someone I wrote to. Someone they know nothing about, someone they've never met or spoken to, nor will ever meet or speak to in their lives. That's a major no-no for me. I passionately dislike when people talk badly about someone who's not able to defend themselves, nor should they even have to defend themselves. We're all people: we all make mistakes and we all make decisions that we believe are best for us or others at the time we're confronted with them. We are who we are. We're either part of the lucky few who are people they like being, or we're people who are unhappy being who we are or the state we're in and striving with all our might to fix it and be someone we like, or we hate ourselves and do nothing about it. Even those of us who hate ourselves and just drag along letting things happen to us or making bad decisions in some way dislike what we're doing and don't need to be put down farther because that's just gonna push us farther into our bad habits and distaste. I didn't write this journal to cause envy or drama. I write in this journal to get things out. I probably have read this journal more times than the number of people who have read it once. I go back, I reflect. I find the emotions I dislike and strive to tweak and change. I find the ways that I've grown weaker or stronger on each passing day. If you want to be a part of that, go for it, that's why this is here, but it is NOT here to bring any more negativity in the world. I have enough negativity in my words to make up for all of your negative feelings towards me, what I think, what I feel, what I have to say to other people. On that note, if you're the person who I'm talking about, leave. You're no longer welcome in my world or any part of it. I thought you were someone I could talk to, someone who would understand, but I was wrong. Your words were towards Josh, yes, but I will protect those who've been there for me. Your words were meant to hurt him without him even knowing [which by the way was a cowardly move on your part], but they hurt me. They showed me that you don't have faith in my decisions on who I befriend and you don't have faith in the fact that I am learning from my previous mistakes...you pretty much told me "You're still not good enough. You will continue to stumble. Your faith is false." I don't need to be told that. Even if it's all true, let me hold on to the temporary happiness I've found until I find the truth. I need those moments to keep me going, to keep me sane, to let me know that there's some goodness in everybody no matter how long the period of time they show it to you. You put me on the defensive in a situation that you really had no part in. So do me a favor, don't get into my thoughts anymore, don't pretend you understand me because obviously there's a lot of things you don't know. Don't IM me with "Happy Thanksgiving" or all your fake good wishes to me. I don't want them, I don't need them. I have people in my life who wish me happiness and mean it every second. I have people who provide that happiness for me.
Which brings me to the most important thing going on for me right now. My Matt.
http://www.realpics.net/Profile.php?User=YEAH_WHAT_OK
If you think that internet relationships are fake or bullshit, I can't say I blame you. That's how I felt about it too. Matt proved me wrong. You -can- fall in love with words on a screen, something I never realized before. There are fingers hitting those keys, typing all those words, and those fingers only work if the person's heart and brain allow them to. Sometimes the words are fake, but you can't say you've never been lied to by words passing through someone's lips. Words passing through lips are also at times sincere, and I've found sincerity and care and love and happiness in my Matt.
It's true, I don't know what it feels like to touch him, to hug him, to kiss him, but one day soon, I will. And I'll love every moment of it.
Through all the shit I've been going through lately, Matt's been there to bring me a smile and remind me of all the heavenly gifts God has put for us on Earth. Matt's my angel. My little piece of heaven. That's what he'll always be to me, my whole life, no matter what curves lie ahead. I'm taking hold of his hand and taking him with me, in what capacity I don't know. But I hope it's in the capacity I dream of every night. I hope it's in the capacity that he promises to me.
Matt, with you, I feel like I can never falter. I'm terrified I'll do or say something to let you down, to make you see that I'm not what you're looking for, but at the same time, I know it won't ever happen. Every second that passes, every thought, every action, every word contains thoughts of you. Even if it has nothing to do with you, in the back of my mind and in my heart, your name repeats itself to me. You're absolutely beautiful and wondrous to me. You're my only perfect 10, because you have the heart inside that goooorgeous body of yours. :] I don't even know what to say, besides what I've written in letters, or told you on the phone, or told you online, and even those things never seem good enough. I can't wait until you're here..and when I'm there..and start a life with you. There's so many things I've always dreamt of experiencing, but the dreams have been altered to include you. I hope you know what a dream you are to me, and how I never want to spend a moment without you. Without loving you and knowing you love me too.
I hope I can provide everything you want in this world, and I know what you'll say, all you want is me. Without a doubt, you know you already have that and always will. But I want to provide so much more. And I'm gonna try hard as fuck to do so.
I miss you like hell right now, but I know soon you'll be on here, or I'll hear your voice on the phone, and feel like this again -> :D Until then, know that I'm thinking of you and sending you all the love I have to give.
I love you babe. Muah. <3
Oh wait. I almost forgot. I lost my twistie tie today, but I just found it. :D <3