| Fallen to My Knees |
"I'm rolling down a lonely highway
Asking God to please forgive me
For messing up the blessing he gave to me
I see, I see,
Everything clearer now
The night's as black - as black - as it's ever been
Without my [man]
I'm gonna lose it
And I pray that he just sheds his grace on me
I need just to be back with my baby
It feels like I just walked right out of heaven
Feel like I done damn near thrown my life away, yeah yeah
Like a child that's lost at seven
Don't know what to do
It feels like I just walked right out of heaven
See, my momma told me that if it's meant to be
[He]'ll come back, and [he]'ll forgive me
But, the best that I can do
Is just let [him] go
I know
I don't want to do it
But if I continue to push, [he]'ll just push away
And I know that in my heart it's a reality
I didn't treat [him] like [he] wanted to be treated
And I hope that [he]'s not gone for good, no
Baby I pray back for you all the time
So tell me what's wrong with my life
And I tried
I tried
I feel like I can't walk
I feel like I can't talk (I can't do it, no)
I don't know what to do
To get back right with you
I feel like I just walked out of heaven."
I feel so immature. I feel so confused. My thoughts are jumbled. My brain's sliding along a timeline, moving from the past to the present, unsure of where to stop. My words will follow. I wish goodbye was goodbye. I know you don't even read this words, but I feel like I should talk directly to you. I've said goodbye to you, many times, and so many times I never followed through. It was too hard. I remember so many things we did together - sitting on the rock wall at the beach and watching the sunset just talking for hours, laying under the blankets at the beach brushing my lips along your ear as I told you everything I felt deep in my heart for you - the things I still feel, not so much for you anymore, but for the memories. I remember sitting at the studio and looking out at the twinkling stars with you and holding your hand, feeling your breath on my neck. I remember laying with you on the floor of Studio B, showing you all you were to me physically and emotionally at once. I remember all the times we ate ice cream together, and every time I curled up on your lap at the movies. I remember you laughing at me every time I said "Don't try an' fix me, I ain't broken." in a goofy voice, and hitting you up singing "Babyloves" off key just to know you were smiling on the other line. I remember our stupid little pocket gnomes and how we talked every night until we made up stories that made no sense. God, I remember your laugh. I remember every way I made you laugh, and how I knew exactly what to say to make you do it. I just can't seem to voice those words anymore. I remember the promise of going to Boston in the winter and going for a walk in the snow-covered park - the promise unfulfilled. I remember every time you sang to me. I remember you whispering about our future in my ear until I fell asleep in Florida. I remember our "emu" shadows. I remember your half smile and how you smell. I remember how your touch felt on me, and how every time you reached for my hand, you held my heart. I remember watching you sleep and running my fingertips over your eyebrows, all of your face, exploring, knowing - or so I thought - I'd never live a day without beholding the image of your presence. I remember my favorite place to kiss you, on your cheek, right next to your nose, and how soft it felt. I remember you playing with Chelsea the first time we hung out and how happy I was you didn't try to kiss me, when what I expected was you expecting so much more. I remember how I felt like we were meant to be, right at the beginning, when I looked at our picture and wanted you to call me from your trip, and right at that instant the phone rang and I just knew. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to find a note from you saying how beautiful you thought I looked when I was asleep and you didn't want to disrupt me. And good night. And you love me. Always, Forever, Til the End of Time. I remember our good nights and how I thought I would never sleep again after they were torn from me. I remember how you held me everytime I cried, and I just stopped, because you were there, and everything was ok. I remember sitting there and watching your face as you spun and how happy you seemed - even one moment of that, I'd experience again, just taking you in. I remember how you knew whether or not I liked a certain kind of food just by the face I unknowingly made when I took a bite. I remember how torn apart I was when you got confused about your feelings for me. I remember staying, holding on, so sure it was not the end. It wasn't, but there was one to come. I remember when shit started going wrong and I promised I'd devote myself to you for the summer and fix it. What I really meant to say was I'd devote my whole life to you. I remember making a candlelit dinner for you, as you slept, knowing you knew it was gonna come, but waking you and watching the tears spill because you "didn't expect it to be like that". I remember how you looked at me that whole night, your eyes so intense and flickering with the flame reflecting. I remember how excited I was when I found our "wedding song" and how you cried when I played it for you - how perfect that song was for us. I remember fighting and crawling in the back seat of your car. I remember you playing "Open Arms" - the song you played when you realized your feelings for me and you wanted me back - and leaning forward to drop the ring in your cupholder, and leaving the car. I killed myself then, and I knew I had killed you too. But I felt so much like I didn't deserve you and all the love you held. I remember how I didn't feel the crisp air - the kind of weather that held so many happy memories for us - and then seeing your form approaching me. I remember you holding me as I collapsed in tears because I never wanted to be without you. I remember how I called you, and wanted you to come over to fix it, when I knew you were slipping away, and I remember you turning it down. I remember saying "If you don't help me fix this now, there won't be fixing it tomorrow." and really not calling you all day. I remember being so shocked when I finally did call you the day after and you were gone. I was so upset at that time. Because I was so stuck in the security of you ALWAYS being ready to fix things, and me being the one to need the time. I was so upset that the prospect of being with your friends - the ones I always tried to get you to hang out with, but you always rejected the chance because you would rather be with me - finally shifted and meant more to you than our future. I remember sitting in the shower fully clothed until the shower ran ice cold and felt like pellets of sleet striking me, and praying for God to take this away. To have you come in and reach your hand out to me and dry me up and keep me warm. To wake me up from the nightmare. I remember being so stressed out, and you leading me down the stairs, into the bathroom and seeing the bathtub filled with bubbles through the candlelight. I remember the soft music that wafted in my ears and the words you wrote all over the mirrors in deodorant and how they cut my heart in pieces and laid them out for you all over again. I remember walking in the rain and the promise you made of holding you beside me again, and I remember dancing with you then. I remember dancing with you under the stars in a parking lot. I remember falling asleep with you in the trunk of your car and how you took car of me when I got sick at Six Flags. I remember you surprising me with flowers and a balloon and a talking Eeyore - the one I was supposed to pretend was you when you couldn't be there to whisper soothing words to me. I remember being your C.P.A.P. [cootie patootie angel princess]. I remember running to you in tears when things went wrong, and as soon as you held me, it all disappeared because you were there and everything was ok. I remember our intimate moments together and how you held my hand, and brushed my hair away, and whispered you loved me. I remember being able to laugh during those intimate moments. I remember sitting in between your legs and all the promises I made to you - promises I still hold - and my eyes fluttering open to see a diamond ring sparkling at me. It sparkled brighter than any of those stars in the sky. I remember going to your house on our one year anniversary and being so excited about my surprise for you. I remember buying 11 white roses, and one red, and laying them out on the floor, leading to your bedroom. I remember writing out index cards, each one indicating the white rose for each month along the way and a reason I loved you. I remember laying the red rose on your bed - 12 months, one year - and quoting every little thing I loved about you - ending in "everything". Every quality and every fault - what true love is supposed to be. I remember dancing "Let's Get Married" at the school dances you spun at, and people watching us, because we were the kind of couple people looked up to.
I remember so much, yet I remember nothing. I can't remember what your love feels like anymore. I just know it was breathtaking. I know you're with Tiff now, and I sincerely mean it with all of my heart, I wish you guys all the best. I hope that she treats you the way you treated me. You were angelic and perfect to me and always striving to fix things and bring it back to perfection. I hope that she works just as hard as I do and you both achieve all those things.
As for me, I'm doing okay. I still think about you from time to time, I think mostly because I'm alone and I just want to find what we had again..but with someone else. I'm listening to love songs and it depresses the shit out of me, but I can't hit you up - because I deleted your number off my phone - and play them for you, and hope you realize how true the words ring for me. But at the same time, it's kind of uplifting to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. And that somewhere else, someone is saying goodbye to the past right along with me. Somewhere else, someone's falling in love. Which is probably you with Tiff. And honestly, that's okay. I just hope you've learned from the past to realize love as it grows for her. Back to deleting your number off my phone, yes, I have, because I don't want to disrespect anything. I talk to you and at the same time as letting go and learning to just be your friend, I was still holding on to some part of you. And it's not mine to hold on to, and if Tiff's going to be with you, Tiff should have all of you. It wouldn't be fair for her or you. Or even me.
So, this is my official goodbye, the goodbye I couldn't say over the phone because of the situation of our last "conversation" and what I had said in that conversation, which I intend to stick to. I'm realizing that I'll always have our memories and I can use those in future relationships to help guide me and help me see what's beneficial or not to them. I realize that I need to stop holding on to what isn't and work on making new relationships, as friends or more, and making new memories.
There's so much more I want to say...which I already did say, but the stupid post didn't send and I can't remember them right now...but my mind is too exhausted. So there may be a goodbye part 2. -l-
Comments needed here. Any way to help me in my process of getting happy is definitely welcome! Or if something doesn't make sense and sounds like it contradicts itself, it doesn't. I'm just too tired to explain. So ask me about it! :D
Asking God to please forgive me
For messing up the blessing he gave to me
I see, I see,
Everything clearer now
The night's as black - as black - as it's ever been
Without my [man]
I'm gonna lose it
And I pray that he just sheds his grace on me
I need just to be back with my baby
It feels like I just walked right out of heaven
Feel like I done damn near thrown my life away, yeah yeah
Like a child that's lost at seven
Don't know what to do
It feels like I just walked right out of heaven
See, my momma told me that if it's meant to be
[He]'ll come back, and [he]'ll forgive me
But, the best that I can do
Is just let [him] go
I know
I don't want to do it
But if I continue to push, [he]'ll just push away
And I know that in my heart it's a reality
I didn't treat [him] like [he] wanted to be treated
And I hope that [he]'s not gone for good, no
Baby I pray back for you all the time
So tell me what's wrong with my life
And I tried
I tried
I feel like I can't walk
I feel like I can't talk (I can't do it, no)
I don't know what to do
To get back right with you
I feel like I just walked out of heaven."
I feel so immature. I feel so confused. My thoughts are jumbled. My brain's sliding along a timeline, moving from the past to the present, unsure of where to stop. My words will follow. I wish goodbye was goodbye. I know you don't even read this words, but I feel like I should talk directly to you. I've said goodbye to you, many times, and so many times I never followed through. It was too hard. I remember so many things we did together - sitting on the rock wall at the beach and watching the sunset just talking for hours, laying under the blankets at the beach brushing my lips along your ear as I told you everything I felt deep in my heart for you - the things I still feel, not so much for you anymore, but for the memories. I remember sitting at the studio and looking out at the twinkling stars with you and holding your hand, feeling your breath on my neck. I remember laying with you on the floor of Studio B, showing you all you were to me physically and emotionally at once. I remember all the times we ate ice cream together, and every time I curled up on your lap at the movies. I remember you laughing at me every time I said "Don't try an' fix me, I ain't broken." in a goofy voice, and hitting you up singing "Babyloves" off key just to know you were smiling on the other line. I remember our stupid little pocket gnomes and how we talked every night until we made up stories that made no sense. God, I remember your laugh. I remember every way I made you laugh, and how I knew exactly what to say to make you do it. I just can't seem to voice those words anymore. I remember the promise of going to Boston in the winter and going for a walk in the snow-covered park - the promise unfulfilled. I remember every time you sang to me. I remember you whispering about our future in my ear until I fell asleep in Florida. I remember our "emu" shadows. I remember your half smile and how you smell. I remember how your touch felt on me, and how every time you reached for my hand, you held my heart. I remember watching you sleep and running my fingertips over your eyebrows, all of your face, exploring, knowing - or so I thought - I'd never live a day without beholding the image of your presence. I remember my favorite place to kiss you, on your cheek, right next to your nose, and how soft it felt. I remember you playing with Chelsea the first time we hung out and how happy I was you didn't try to kiss me, when what I expected was you expecting so much more. I remember how I felt like we were meant to be, right at the beginning, when I looked at our picture and wanted you to call me from your trip, and right at that instant the phone rang and I just knew. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to find a note from you saying how beautiful you thought I looked when I was asleep and you didn't want to disrupt me. And good night. And you love me. Always, Forever, Til the End of Time. I remember our good nights and how I thought I would never sleep again after they were torn from me. I remember how you held me everytime I cried, and I just stopped, because you were there, and everything was ok. I remember sitting there and watching your face as you spun and how happy you seemed - even one moment of that, I'd experience again, just taking you in. I remember how you knew whether or not I liked a certain kind of food just by the face I unknowingly made when I took a bite. I remember how torn apart I was when you got confused about your feelings for me. I remember staying, holding on, so sure it was not the end. It wasn't, but there was one to come. I remember when shit started going wrong and I promised I'd devote myself to you for the summer and fix it. What I really meant to say was I'd devote my whole life to you. I remember making a candlelit dinner for you, as you slept, knowing you knew it was gonna come, but waking you and watching the tears spill because you "didn't expect it to be like that". I remember how you looked at me that whole night, your eyes so intense and flickering with the flame reflecting. I remember how excited I was when I found our "wedding song" and how you cried when I played it for you - how perfect that song was for us. I remember fighting and crawling in the back seat of your car. I remember you playing "Open Arms" - the song you played when you realized your feelings for me and you wanted me back - and leaning forward to drop the ring in your cupholder, and leaving the car. I killed myself then, and I knew I had killed you too. But I felt so much like I didn't deserve you and all the love you held. I remember how I didn't feel the crisp air - the kind of weather that held so many happy memories for us - and then seeing your form approaching me. I remember you holding me as I collapsed in tears because I never wanted to be without you. I remember how I called you, and wanted you to come over to fix it, when I knew you were slipping away, and I remember you turning it down. I remember saying "If you don't help me fix this now, there won't be fixing it tomorrow." and really not calling you all day. I remember being so shocked when I finally did call you the day after and you were gone. I was so upset at that time. Because I was so stuck in the security of you ALWAYS being ready to fix things, and me being the one to need the time. I was so upset that the prospect of being with your friends - the ones I always tried to get you to hang out with, but you always rejected the chance because you would rather be with me - finally shifted and meant more to you than our future. I remember sitting in the shower fully clothed until the shower ran ice cold and felt like pellets of sleet striking me, and praying for God to take this away. To have you come in and reach your hand out to me and dry me up and keep me warm. To wake me up from the nightmare. I remember being so stressed out, and you leading me down the stairs, into the bathroom and seeing the bathtub filled with bubbles through the candlelight. I remember the soft music that wafted in my ears and the words you wrote all over the mirrors in deodorant and how they cut my heart in pieces and laid them out for you all over again. I remember walking in the rain and the promise you made of holding you beside me again, and I remember dancing with you then. I remember dancing with you under the stars in a parking lot. I remember falling asleep with you in the trunk of your car and how you took car of me when I got sick at Six Flags. I remember you surprising me with flowers and a balloon and a talking Eeyore - the one I was supposed to pretend was you when you couldn't be there to whisper soothing words to me. I remember being your C.P.A.P. [cootie patootie angel princess]. I remember running to you in tears when things went wrong, and as soon as you held me, it all disappeared because you were there and everything was ok. I remember our intimate moments together and how you held my hand, and brushed my hair away, and whispered you loved me. I remember being able to laugh during those intimate moments. I remember sitting in between your legs and all the promises I made to you - promises I still hold - and my eyes fluttering open to see a diamond ring sparkling at me. It sparkled brighter than any of those stars in the sky. I remember going to your house on our one year anniversary and being so excited about my surprise for you. I remember buying 11 white roses, and one red, and laying them out on the floor, leading to your bedroom. I remember writing out index cards, each one indicating the white rose for each month along the way and a reason I loved you. I remember laying the red rose on your bed - 12 months, one year - and quoting every little thing I loved about you - ending in "everything". Every quality and every fault - what true love is supposed to be. I remember dancing "Let's Get Married" at the school dances you spun at, and people watching us, because we were the kind of couple people looked up to.
I remember so much, yet I remember nothing. I can't remember what your love feels like anymore. I just know it was breathtaking. I know you're with Tiff now, and I sincerely mean it with all of my heart, I wish you guys all the best. I hope that she treats you the way you treated me. You were angelic and perfect to me and always striving to fix things and bring it back to perfection. I hope that she works just as hard as I do and you both achieve all those things.
As for me, I'm doing okay. I still think about you from time to time, I think mostly because I'm alone and I just want to find what we had again..but with someone else. I'm listening to love songs and it depresses the shit out of me, but I can't hit you up - because I deleted your number off my phone - and play them for you, and hope you realize how true the words ring for me. But at the same time, it's kind of uplifting to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. And that somewhere else, someone is saying goodbye to the past right along with me. Somewhere else, someone's falling in love. Which is probably you with Tiff. And honestly, that's okay. I just hope you've learned from the past to realize love as it grows for her. Back to deleting your number off my phone, yes, I have, because I don't want to disrespect anything. I talk to you and at the same time as letting go and learning to just be your friend, I was still holding on to some part of you. And it's not mine to hold on to, and if Tiff's going to be with you, Tiff should have all of you. It wouldn't be fair for her or you. Or even me.
So, this is my official goodbye, the goodbye I couldn't say over the phone because of the situation of our last "conversation" and what I had said in that conversation, which I intend to stick to. I'm realizing that I'll always have our memories and I can use those in future relationships to help guide me and help me see what's beneficial or not to them. I realize that I need to stop holding on to what isn't and work on making new relationships, as friends or more, and making new memories.
There's so much more I want to say...which I already did say, but the stupid post didn't send and I can't remember them right now...but my mind is too exhausted. So there may be a goodbye part 2. -l-
Comments needed here. Any way to help me in my process of getting happy is definitely welcome! Or if something doesn't make sense and sounds like it contradicts itself, it doesn't. I'm just too tired to explain. So ask me about it! :D