the brighter I shine, the darker my shadow..and they pull me behind
scared, doesn't even begin to touch the tip of the iceberg. I'm just trying to convince my numb body and sick stomach that this is infact the right choice.
It's just so hard to believe.
But now I know, I have nothing left here.
We argued today, I mean little argument, which then turned into big argument, which led to me crying and setting out intitially with the intent of gathering a bag to stay at my dad's for the night.
And then...then we got there, and we talked and cried, and I sat trying to tell myself that I have to let go, because to hang on any longer wouldn't be fair, wouldn't be right, wouldn't make me any happier, or make me feel less like scum.
So we yelled at eachother, and cried on eachother, and when it had settled, well...I started to collect my things, in shock. And he kept asking me how I could do this and throw everything away, how I didn't feel anything...
and after a chunk of stuff was in my car, I sat with my face on the steering wheel unable to force myself to leave. I wanted to run inside and cave, and say I can't do this I love you too much, this HURTS too much. But I made myself drive home. Or whatever this is...my temporary stop between future travels.
I feel horrible. I feel like I'm DYING inside, but I also know that this couldn't last forever because I didn't want it to...and I've sort of always known that on some level, and it would hurt more if I kept going, if I left and came back and THEN left forever.
I don't know what else to say...chances are you the reader probably hate me a little now...and I hate me a little too, but fuck. I need to be on my own for a while, I need to leave for a while.
I don't know if I'm coming back after this. I leave friday. I'm supposed to come back 11 days later, stay here for a while, go to California to see Sophie, and then make up my mind which coast I'm off to.
And for now try and live within my own skin, and not go back even though this hurts so much.
fuck. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone.
It's just so hard to believe.
But now I know, I have nothing left here.
We argued today, I mean little argument, which then turned into big argument, which led to me crying and setting out intitially with the intent of gathering a bag to stay at my dad's for the night.
And then...then we got there, and we talked and cried, and I sat trying to tell myself that I have to let go, because to hang on any longer wouldn't be fair, wouldn't be right, wouldn't make me any happier, or make me feel less like scum.
So we yelled at eachother, and cried on eachother, and when it had settled, well...I started to collect my things, in shock. And he kept asking me how I could do this and throw everything away, how I didn't feel anything...
and after a chunk of stuff was in my car, I sat with my face on the steering wheel unable to force myself to leave. I wanted to run inside and cave, and say I can't do this I love you too much, this HURTS too much. But I made myself drive home. Or whatever this is...my temporary stop between future travels.
I feel horrible. I feel like I'm DYING inside, but I also know that this couldn't last forever because I didn't want it to...and I've sort of always known that on some level, and it would hurt more if I kept going, if I left and came back and THEN left forever.
I don't know what else to say...chances are you the reader probably hate me a little now...and I hate me a little too, but fuck. I need to be on my own for a while, I need to leave for a while.
I don't know if I'm coming back after this. I leave friday. I'm supposed to come back 11 days later, stay here for a while, go to California to see Sophie, and then make up my mind which coast I'm off to.
And for now try and live within my own skin, and not go back even though this hurts so much.
fuck. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone.