.all alone and i remember now.
Last night just fucked me over badly.
So many things went wrong, and now I feel worse than I did before. I can't imagine why someone would do something like that. I told her not to, I told her I was capable of getting hurt easily, and more so because I let her in quickly. I do love her with all my heart, but after last night, things are different. I will never be as easy and quickly with that. NEVER. I cannot believe all of that happend. It was too quickly, like a movie being fast-forwarded. My mind wasn't working correctly, so neither was my mouth. Maybe that's because I kept smoking and smoking. I think I only have a few cigarettes left. I'm not sure. Not much got discussed last night, but just a few yelling and accusing and things being found out that no one knew about. Especially me. There were things that I really didnt' want to know, but had to know for the sake of my relationship with her, and my love for her. I'm so confused as what to do right now. I don't know if her and I are still together, she never really told me last night. I know I should have ended it, that I shouldn't put myself in this situation ever again, but you know me, I don't really like to go the way that's best for me. Look, I love you with all my heart and soul, I really do, and what he said to you last night, and did, doesn't change the fact that you should be with me, because I won't ever make you feel the way he does, or lie to you like he does, but I know history empowers a new relationship. So like I said last night, It's easier to walk away from this knowing that I'm going to be alright, in time, than to be defeated and left with nothing. I'm not saying I don't want to be with you, by all means, I do, and you know that, but it lies in your hands now. I am not making you choose like he is, but if it comes down to it, I'll be the one making the choice. It's always going to end up with me losing, So I'm going to make it easier. You have until tonight to explain what's going to happen, otherwise, I don't know, but I can't put myself through this. He even said it himself, RIGHT IN FUCKING FRONT OF ME, which I do think is very disrespectful, that he would do anything to get you back. And that what happend two nights ago, cuddling with you and all that shit, he doesn't do with just any girls. Did you ever think that I wouldn't find out. Did you ever have a guilty conscience about doing that. Especially when you opened that door and shit your heart out because it wasn't Patrick, it was me. With a cigarette in my mouth and a fist ready to beat both of them in. I'm not the one to usually talk things over, with my anger and all, but last night was different. With other girls, I wouldn't have given a flying fuck about all of what happend, but as you see, you're not like other girls. I sat there for two hours taking you yelling at me, crying, threatening to smack me, and all that shit. I'm sorry I brought them over to your house, but you see, I had no choice anymore. It all lies on you Shay.
So many things went wrong, and now I feel worse than I did before. I can't imagine why someone would do something like that. I told her not to, I told her I was capable of getting hurt easily, and more so because I let her in quickly. I do love her with all my heart, but after last night, things are different. I will never be as easy and quickly with that. NEVER. I cannot believe all of that happend. It was too quickly, like a movie being fast-forwarded. My mind wasn't working correctly, so neither was my mouth. Maybe that's because I kept smoking and smoking. I think I only have a few cigarettes left. I'm not sure. Not much got discussed last night, but just a few yelling and accusing and things being found out that no one knew about. Especially me. There were things that I really didnt' want to know, but had to know for the sake of my relationship with her, and my love for her. I'm so confused as what to do right now. I don't know if her and I are still together, she never really told me last night. I know I should have ended it, that I shouldn't put myself in this situation ever again, but you know me, I don't really like to go the way that's best for me. Look, I love you with all my heart and soul, I really do, and what he said to you last night, and did, doesn't change the fact that you should be with me, because I won't ever make you feel the way he does, or lie to you like he does, but I know history empowers a new relationship. So like I said last night, It's easier to walk away from this knowing that I'm going to be alright, in time, than to be defeated and left with nothing. I'm not saying I don't want to be with you, by all means, I do, and you know that, but it lies in your hands now. I am not making you choose like he is, but if it comes down to it, I'll be the one making the choice. It's always going to end up with me losing, So I'm going to make it easier. You have until tonight to explain what's going to happen, otherwise, I don't know, but I can't put myself through this. He even said it himself, RIGHT IN FUCKING FRONT OF ME, which I do think is very disrespectful, that he would do anything to get you back. And that what happend two nights ago, cuddling with you and all that shit, he doesn't do with just any girls. Did you ever think that I wouldn't find out. Did you ever have a guilty conscience about doing that. Especially when you opened that door and shit your heart out because it wasn't Patrick, it was me. With a cigarette in my mouth and a fist ready to beat both of them in. I'm not the one to usually talk things over, with my anger and all, but last night was different. With other girls, I wouldn't have given a flying fuck about all of what happend, but as you see, you're not like other girls. I sat there for two hours taking you yelling at me, crying, threatening to smack me, and all that shit. I'm sorry I brought them over to your house, but you see, I had no choice anymore. It all lies on you Shay.