I miss you and it's breaking my heart
This week, at best has been an overwhelming situation. I still am lost and unsure of everything, but I'm not going to let this control me... my life. I have to take care of college stuff tomorrow. The next two days after that will be occuppied with going to court and what not. I'm not looking forward to any of it, but at the same time, I want it over as soon as possible. My parents are going to go with me, so I am thankful for that... however I am extremely nervous. I don't want to be in the same courtroom, I don't want to have to see in person...all of it, everything. I'm not strong enough, this is going to break me.....
On a lighter note, if i don't have a break down during the middle of the week, i will most likely by the weekend:
Next weekend I will be playing in a basketball tournoment at central, I am excited to be playing and I know it will make me feel better. However he is going to be there, I know it's going to effect me. I liked him too much, I dread the fact that I'm going to see him. Seeing him is going to hurt so much, because I wanted there to be something.... and now there will never be anything, he knows that. He knew it all along, I wish I would have. To care for someone and want to be with them so badly and not have those feelings reciprocated is torture. He knows that, he feels guilt but he can't help it. I don't blame him, you can't force things.... I wouldn't want him to, but I wish I didn't have to see him. I know when we meet he'll be nice and friendly, and joke around with me. I wish he would just completely igonore me, it would help the situation. I need him to cut me out of his life, because i'm not strong enough to let him go.. I want to be able to let him go, he never even tried to hold on to me. It has been a long time since I even considered allowing myself to harbor feelings like this again.... I knew it was a bad idea, I can't handle especially after last week. I think I'll try as hard as possible to avoid him, I doubt it'll work, he knows i'm goign to be there... he said he was looking forward to seeing me. If he seeks me out, I will not deny him. I like him far too much and I hate myself for that.
so I was looking back at old entries and I found this in a survey that I filled out.. explaining what i looking for in a guy... it descripes him, perfectly and it's before I really even knew him... :( SEVEN OF YOUR FAVORITE SEX TOYS/KINKS/FETISHES/PREFERENCES IN YOUR GENDER OF CHOICE: 1- beautiful, straight, white.. teeth 2- Tall (even a lot taller than I) 3- lean (good stomach/hip flexors) 4- shaggy hair 5- smells good 6- FUNNY 7- intelligent That is him, completely and totally... I miss him, it breaks my heart...