damn...
i think there are so many reasons as to why i've been basically so stupid and confused lately. i was on the bus to manhattan today, just thinking of dave and i and i realized that i do NOT love him... at all. but that's not wrong... see we've only been "a couple" for like 3 weeks and already he's told me he loves me... that's way too much to deal with and i've just been further confusing myself and there's still so much to be sorted out.
cris m. was the first 'boy' -ok guy- that i felt confortable with... we've known each other since we were 6 or 7... (second grade)... and now i haven't had a real conversation with him since march of 2004... and that's been tearing me apart... we haven't talked since april... and it kills me... and the there's jay.
jayson s. jay and i met -literally- through krystin... she was mad at him and made go up to him and my first words to him, where "someone wants to know if you've checked your messages"... and he was like "yea." ... lol... see i don't know exactly what happened but i'm betting that his stupid ass friends don't like me - and think i'm some "church girl" and it pisses me off so much that they answer his cell when i call and tell me he's "having sex with 'his girl'..blah blah blah..." screw them all...
i've dealt with my share of bullshit lies and heartaches and i hate people and the reason i can't love dave or anyone else is that i'm incapable of loving anyone - not even myself... which is the reason i hate myself so much... i can't love dave... i can't... not after the whole thing with cris m. and then jay basically just shoving me into a closet... and ignoring me... damnit people need to talk to me... jay and i NEED (as in: HAVE TO) talk - face to face... cos i can't talk to him over the phone... and cris m. and i really have to have a mice long talk on why he's been ignoring me and stuff...
someday i want to get married and all that jazz... eh not gonna happen if i'm so stupid and incapable of loving anyone... damn i think i just fucked up my life... i really need someone (wink-wink: a guy) that knows me - really knows me - to talk to and i can't talk to one of my female friends or relatives cos they all think i'm insane and stuff... damn...
cris m. was the first 'boy' -ok guy- that i felt confortable with... we've known each other since we were 6 or 7... (second grade)... and now i haven't had a real conversation with him since march of 2004... and that's been tearing me apart... we haven't talked since april... and it kills me... and the there's jay.
jayson s. jay and i met -literally- through krystin... she was mad at him and made go up to him and my first words to him, where "someone wants to know if you've checked your messages"... and he was like "yea." ... lol... see i don't know exactly what happened but i'm betting that his stupid ass friends don't like me - and think i'm some "church girl" and it pisses me off so much that they answer his cell when i call and tell me he's "having sex with 'his girl'..blah blah blah..." screw them all...
i've dealt with my share of bullshit lies and heartaches and i hate people and the reason i can't love dave or anyone else is that i'm incapable of loving anyone - not even myself... which is the reason i hate myself so much... i can't love dave... i can't... not after the whole thing with cris m. and then jay basically just shoving me into a closet... and ignoring me... damnit people need to talk to me... jay and i NEED (as in: HAVE TO) talk - face to face... cos i can't talk to him over the phone... and cris m. and i really have to have a mice long talk on why he's been ignoring me and stuff...
someday i want to get married and all that jazz... eh not gonna happen if i'm so stupid and incapable of loving anyone... damn i think i just fucked up my life... i really need someone (wink-wink: a guy) that knows me - really knows me - to talk to and i can't talk to one of my female friends or relatives cos they all think i'm insane and stuff... damn...