(no subject)
I dont know if anyone even bothers with this anymore, but I figure this a place where I can say a few things and not have to worry about who reads it. I dont care anymore. Not in a bad way, but in a very neutral way. I make too much of people and it always comes to bite me in the ass. I seem to over look the fact that people are mearly human and I shouldn't expect big things. Im definetly depressed again, but i'll manage. I have certain things and thoughts to brighten up my life. All men seem an unattainable thing right now...or maybe I should say love for lack of a better word. I dont even know what that is and i'm starting to doubt anyone will ever come to love me with their hollywood passion. I know alot of melodramatic people say things like that and I know that I am melodramatic for making that statement, but I think for right now im just going to go with the flow on that one. I was hit by a car...i think it's almost been a month....some fucking idiot hit me. How the hell do you miss my neon ORANGE hair. you dont thats the end of that. Anyways that set me back with alot. I was in the hospital for quite a few days...concussion and bleeding on my brain, but for those of you that care im fine. No permanent damage...well that wasnt there before. I've began rebelling. Im becoming more fond of drugs. Less fond of alot of things. Im uninterested and interested at the same time. I wish I could describe myself in some way, but I can't. How is it possible that I feel so over whelmingly joyous, yet at the same time so miserable and depressed. People are the one thing I need and the one thing I dont need. It's kind of odd how I live off all these people, yet the same people seem to tear me down. Thats life kid. Thats what I try to tell myself. I cant wait to grow up and be my own person. Im sick of feeling so stuck to things and so restricted from things. I need my space. I need to grow up by myself. I had a place to live, but not anymore. I need to change my life plans. I was assured that things wouldnt change, but I should have known that in a year in a half he would have a girlfriend and things would be completly different. Like I said I expect too much from people. But in all truth it was shallow of me to expect him to wait around from me. And like all others my heart has "come to know" I will love him forever. He has a permanent room in my heart. Im sure there will be alot of people like that, but I was kind of hoping he'd be the one i'd grow old with. I put way to much faith in that notion. Now im left here. I've been pushed out of his car in the middle of nowhere half naked in the freezing cold...and this is the first time i've come to realize that I have to fend for myself. I can't burden people with me. I need to learn how to burden myself and make sure that the next time some one drops me off ill be ready. ill have my bag with all my things in it. I still want to be a tattoo artist. That seems to be my passion. I love it dearly. Art in general is my passion. The thing that drives me the most though I think is to be myself. Nothing can inspire me more than the thought of being myself. Because in my head and in my heart I know that I can do something. I can help someone. I can be something. Even if it's only to me. I can do it. Drugs are something that not necessarily bring me down, but gives me ideas. There so much to accomplish, so much to see. Im sick of sitting on my ass and watching the world pass me by. I want to be doing something all the time. I want to be with people 24 hours in a day. I want someone to know me inside and out and love me for who and what I am. I dont want to have to feel fake for anyone. I want to have hope that someone is out there waiting. I want to have the hope that I can be something for someone. I want to have the hope that I can be anything I want to be. I just want to be me. I just want to live my life. Do what I think is necessary. Fall flat on my ass and kiss the ground thankful im not dead. I can't have other people living my life for me. I want to give birth to a beautiful child. I want a husband to do odd things with for the rest of my life. I want to be that odd person that sticks in your mind. I want to write a book....I just want to be Lovisa. Love, peace, happiness, sorrow,LIFE.