(no subject)
i didn't want to come back.
but i didn't want to put it on my myspace blog.
and writing in my real journal.... blagh. takes too long.
pretty much i feel like absolute crap.
i guess i should feel happy, being normal.
i've gained an incredible amount of weight.
incredible amount = 11 pounds
not from my lowest point, but from my average.
i feel disgusting.
fat is just everywhere.
im not cutting so much.
except i did about a week ago.
i don't know why.
but brian is getting pretty pissed about it.
making sure my shirt is always down, so you can't see scars.
i said i was going to join a gym on july 1st.
i didn't.
my money is shit right now.
i recently got an amex card. but now i've accumulated so much money on it, i definitely can't pay it in full.
brian and i keep taking these little trips.
pennsylvania, boston and next weekend it's florida.
im the one usually paying for hotel, gas, dinner.
so that's why my money is shit.
i just "paid" (on amex) for my airplane tickets, and im making brian pay for everything else when we go to florida.
it's just for the weekend so he can check out FullSail - (a school).
im more than stressed about school.
these summer classes are really fucking hard.
i can barely keep up.
and my teacher calls on me. and i HATE being called on in class, so instead of answering, i'll say i don't know.
even if my answer is right, i don't want to take the chance of being wrong.
i have about 3 more weeks left. which is more than half of a semester.
im stressing about work. i need to hire someone.
cause people are always leaving!!
im drinking more than i should- cause i can't handle the stress.
i have 4 soldiers that i write to once a week.
and it's actually kind of forced. i hate it that way.
i wish i could just write cause i really wanted to.
i adopted them, so as part of adopting them i have to write once an week and send packages monthly.
yea, i still have to get those packages out.
it's just all too much for me.
but as i was doing my homework this morning, just sitting there and the blob just gushing out of my pants.
fucking gross!!!
my arms are ok, cause i still do 100+ pushups a day.
and i think my thighs are developing a lot of muscle, which i actually wanted to make them thinner and get rid of flab.
so... i have to, without thinking about it - get my cardio back in.
and watch what im eating.
i eat more than i used to.
i have coffee for breakfast, a granola bar if my stomach starts making noises, a spinach salad with dressing for lunch, and i'll usually eat dinner with brian. but im not eating huge meals... i mean, whenever we go out i usually eat (at most) half of the meal. i usually get weird looks from waiters when they ask if i want it wrapped and i say no.
PAHHHHHHH. i just want to sleep forever.