wrecking it

[xftranny]

I guess we went to bed upset, or I did last night? Just scared and my fears manifest themselves into all the things I'm afraod of doing. Kind of the self fulfilling prophecy sort of thing. Nicole gave her notice to her landlord that she will be moving out by July first. Because we'll be moving in together. Somehow these adult decisions are quite terrifying. I'm excited, but there's a 7 year old involved and I'm terrified I'm gonna wake up one day and be just like my father. And I don't wanna be like him. Or act like him. Or take advantage of a situation like him. And I get scared and then it just breaks in me and I get angry but my anger is always fear and I'm not sure sometimes how to fix that. I love my partner and I love Gabe. I go to bed every night analyzing the day and trying to see what I did wrong to try and be better. Nicole pointed this out to me last night, but was tired and didn't want to discuss it further.

I guess it's always me wanting to be better. And I guess her point was that good things are also good to think about.

I'm terrified she's gonna leave me. Or not love me. And I just get scared.

And I don't know what to say or do.