my half life.
Uh man. i dont even wannna explain the past week or so. ive been so mad at myself. felt like such a disappointment to my parents...fought constantly. it was hard on me. i almost got kicked out...my mom told me to pack my stuff and leave. she was gonna cut me off from everything...it didnt happpen. thank God. I guess me and being in college makes me think i should have more freedom from my parents, while at least not have them be so strict. And you know im finallly opening up to them...now that im not in the same house its easier to talk to them...at least it is to my mom. its better for our relationship and i hope now we can develop the relationship ive always wanted with her...im happy bout that. Althought my dad isnt very happy with me at the moment. it seems to me that he is disappointed in the decsions i made. such as, wanting to go to a party and not have a certain time to be home...it was just a kickback. i wanted to meet some of ryans friends that i dont know...but that didnt happen. my parents wanted me to be more open and tell them where i was going honestly so i tried to do so, and they yelled at me and said i couldnt after already telling me i would be able to as long as i told them where i would be...so me being the always perfect child didnt want them to win this round, so i had ryan pick me up and we hung out with justin and his girl and we were about to go to the beach at 11 at night when i get this call from my mom, i told her we were in livermore and heading towards the beach and she flipped on me. [thats about the time she kicked me out and said i might as well pack my shit and move in with ryan cuz im not welcome back home] naturally i was heartbroken, i didnt want to go to the beach. i was crying my eyes out and no matter how much ryan tried to make me smile...i just coudlnt..it was the final straw. i ended up bakc hone at 3 or 330am...when i woke up at arounf 11 i didnt want to move, i wanted nothing to do with my parents because i didnt know what was gonna happen that day, or where i would end up...my mom came in my room and told me that she just would like to know where im going next time i decide to up and leave, and if i would have called before she would have been ok with me going. But if you know my parents thats not how it is...they say one thing and they always go back on their word. always. before any of this turned into a big argument i told them excatly what i was going to do..and i was only gonna be in manteca but they went off on me...after they told me i just needed to tell them where im going. i dont know
so i guess we will see how this weekend goes maybe it will be better if it isnt...why go back. they tore me apart the last 2 weekends i was there...i dont need to go back to that. the only time i was happy was when i was with ryan...thank God for that boy. i dont know where i would be without him.
on top of all that...my parents are fighting. getting close to just getting a divorce. it bothers me while i am there...but it hurts me even more knowing my little sisters have to be there...and least i can leave. they cant. their stuck.
and lastly and something to hurt me in the future.
ryans moving in 6 months. maybe to texas maybe new york. i dont know. but its for school. and its only a year long..i would wait if he would come back, but something tells me that he isnt going to. more than likely. his career will take him elsewhere...6 months. ill be heartbroken. end of story. nowhere to go from there...
i fall back on him. every time i run to him. every time he makes me happy again. every time were together he makes me forget about the troubles of life...what do i do with out him?? theres never gonna be some one out there to replace him i know that for a fact. no one out there is like him. no one.
and before i forget. malaia is gone. long gone in kansas. i have no way of talking to her. no myspace. number doesnt work. she hasnt tried calling...so thats it i guess. i might as well let go.
love arica.
and i thought the hard part was over. pshh...i better slap on a seat belt cuz its gonna be a bumpy ride.
so i guess we will see how this weekend goes maybe it will be better if it isnt...why go back. they tore me apart the last 2 weekends i was there...i dont need to go back to that. the only time i was happy was when i was with ryan...thank God for that boy. i dont know where i would be without him.
on top of all that...my parents are fighting. getting close to just getting a divorce. it bothers me while i am there...but it hurts me even more knowing my little sisters have to be there...and least i can leave. they cant. their stuck.
and lastly and something to hurt me in the future.
ryans moving in 6 months. maybe to texas maybe new york. i dont know. but its for school. and its only a year long..i would wait if he would come back, but something tells me that he isnt going to. more than likely. his career will take him elsewhere...6 months. ill be heartbroken. end of story. nowhere to go from there...
i fall back on him. every time i run to him. every time he makes me happy again. every time were together he makes me forget about the troubles of life...what do i do with out him?? theres never gonna be some one out there to replace him i know that for a fact. no one out there is like him. no one.
and before i forget. malaia is gone. long gone in kansas. i have no way of talking to her. no myspace. number doesnt work. she hasnt tried calling...so thats it i guess. i might as well let go.
love arica.
and i thought the hard part was over. pshh...i better slap on a seat belt cuz its gonna be a bumpy ride.