Its like its my life...
Ok I know no one reads this anymore but here.
If you happen to watch degrassi. Followed paige. a character. its like its my life. without the uhh lesbian, alll the exs, oh yea and rich family. I mean with schoool.
Last year. Shooot 6 months ago I knew excatly what I was doing. NO matter what anyone said I was going to san jose getting out of modesto away from these people. Away from parents. Free finally. I wasnt gonna waste my intelligence at mjc making nothing of my life. I was going straight to a 4 year university finally leaving this all behind. I was happy. excited. ready.
Now, its different. completely. Im under so many pressure to succeed and be perfect. go to this 4 year university major in something incredibley hard and pay for school with money i dont have. yeaa, i was suppose to be the one getting the scholarships, but that wasnt me at all. I just didnt get those. and I dont have the money. Family pressure to do this, be the role model. do something more with my life. My whole family knows im suppose to go they give their wishes of good luck and congratulate me for going, but i just dont want to anymore. I just dont. its to hard to leave and just go out there be myself. I just cant do it. what happens when i fail? What if I cant do this?? what happens then? come back home a failure and go to mjc, get some low paying job and thats it?? nooo.. that cant be my life. theres no way I can settle for something like that I cant live my life like that...never. Soo, I have no choice but leave and go away...maybe ill make it. i have to right?? theres no other choice. not for me.
blah. and then theres the fact that i dont have anything here...my best friend is moving. I have my boyfriend thats it. He is alll I have. And I dont have a problem with that now because he is all mine, and for now it seems like its gonna stay that way for awhile..but what happens when he cant do this anymore??? where do i go then?..I dont know. i just dont know. i dont have anything in either place, and id hate to come back here...i just dont want to...i only do it for him. he is the reason I will come back. he is the reason i dout it now. i dont wanna leave. i dont wannna leave him. i just wanna be with him because with him everything is ok, and i like that feeling its right. it just is.
He knows that. He knows. I told him. he is all I have. I dont know where to go when he is gone. hes alll i have...he knows that.
welllll. life.
summer is ending. && with it summer takes everything I ever knew. expect for ryan. thank god.
love arica.
i never knew life would be sooo hard. not like this. it just all hits you. doesnt it?
If you happen to watch degrassi. Followed paige. a character. its like its my life. without the uhh lesbian, alll the exs, oh yea and rich family. I mean with schoool.
Last year. Shooot 6 months ago I knew excatly what I was doing. NO matter what anyone said I was going to san jose getting out of modesto away from these people. Away from parents. Free finally. I wasnt gonna waste my intelligence at mjc making nothing of my life. I was going straight to a 4 year university finally leaving this all behind. I was happy. excited. ready.
Now, its different. completely. Im under so many pressure to succeed and be perfect. go to this 4 year university major in something incredibley hard and pay for school with money i dont have. yeaa, i was suppose to be the one getting the scholarships, but that wasnt me at all. I just didnt get those. and I dont have the money. Family pressure to do this, be the role model. do something more with my life. My whole family knows im suppose to go they give their wishes of good luck and congratulate me for going, but i just dont want to anymore. I just dont. its to hard to leave and just go out there be myself. I just cant do it. what happens when i fail? What if I cant do this?? what happens then? come back home a failure and go to mjc, get some low paying job and thats it?? nooo.. that cant be my life. theres no way I can settle for something like that I cant live my life like that...never. Soo, I have no choice but leave and go away...maybe ill make it. i have to right?? theres no other choice. not for me.
blah. and then theres the fact that i dont have anything here...my best friend is moving. I have my boyfriend thats it. He is alll I have. And I dont have a problem with that now because he is all mine, and for now it seems like its gonna stay that way for awhile..but what happens when he cant do this anymore??? where do i go then?..I dont know. i just dont know. i dont have anything in either place, and id hate to come back here...i just dont want to...i only do it for him. he is the reason I will come back. he is the reason i dout it now. i dont wanna leave. i dont wannna leave him. i just wanna be with him because with him everything is ok, and i like that feeling its right. it just is.
He knows that. He knows. I told him. he is all I have. I dont know where to go when he is gone. hes alll i have...he knows that.
welllll. life.
summer is ending. && with it summer takes everything I ever knew. expect for ryan. thank god.
love arica.
i never knew life would be sooo hard. not like this. it just all hits you. doesnt it?