Only Sith Deal in Absolutes
anonymous
June 15 2005, 05:41:23 UTC
Alright - let me preface this with the warning that this will probably be long-winded and scattered. With that said,
Like I was saying on the phone, I sincerely believe now is the time (for me at least) for deattachment and patience. It's time for me to "Listen" not "speak my thoughts" - honestly, it's about all I can think to do right now that won't hurt anyone. To repeat again from the phone call, I think the situation sucks because either way I see to go is hard - Do you push it, keep putting in the effort, possibly push her away, get frustrated, hurt, etc? or Just forget it, drop the potential and the vision of this great relationship that could be?
My suggestion is the second. I think we (or at least I) need to work on accepting certain things for what they are - a chance encounter with a cool girl at a store, the ideal relationship we conjure for that cute, mysterious girl we see on campus, the friend of a friend we meet who likes videogames - these are not all potential great relationships, they simply are what they are and perhaps, if we can enjoy them for just that, we won't end up in these situations.
For example, in my case, where this girl mentioned to a good friend of mine that she thought I was attractive and proceeded to ask about me - I should have left it for what it was, a compliment and a laugh. What did I do? First I told myself not think about it, not to get excited, then I proceeded to spend the weekend thinking about how our relationship might turn out with this girl who I knew nothing about except that she was shy. To be honest, I'd give up a lot right now if that could have been the extent of our paths crossing. Unfortunately, it's not.
So many weekends lost to expectations of how things should be and the sadness that follows when they are not. If I had been really Listening, I would have heard that this girl was simply remarking on my physical qualities, and expressing her resulting curiousity about my character. She wasn't asking for a relationship, but over the next few months, I proceeded to explain to her why one between us wouldn't continue to work out if she continued to be A or B or C, etc.
In your situation, from what I know, this is what I'm hearing - the girl did like you for a period and she was excited as well. For whatever reason, those feelings are different now and she is not sure of what she wants between the two of you. So I would say, listen to it, accept it and the fact that this girl did not mean to hurt you, even if what she has done feels like "toying with your feelings," and deattach. A Jedi has no attachments and no possessions. I personally don't think it would be easy for me to let go of the idea (the hope) to make the relationship work, but I think that's what you should do. If anything, you can learn from my recent mistakes - how could I not hear what this girl was saying (or more correctly NOT saying) every time I felt the need to talk about what our relationship status was?
I don't think this will be the easiest thing for me to accomplish over these next few years, but I want to be more accepting, more open to hearing what people are really saying (not what I want them to be saying or what I should be saying), and I want to be able to have things in my life simply for what they are - again, girls that I just share a night dancing with, a conversation in line with, a glance on campus with, whatever - no attachment, accept them for what they are and continue with the important parts of life.
I'm deciding to let go of this relationship that I f-ed up, but I am partially doing so because it was never meant to be - I pretty much knew it and she never wanted it anyway. Hopefully I'll be able to listen better in the future, and maybe I'll hear that she wants to be friends. Right now, she's not speaking to me at all - so I'm going to leave her alone for once, and I am sincerely going to try and not think negatively about her or want revenge or anything - until I believe it.
Like I was saying on the phone, I sincerely believe now is the time (for me at least) for deattachment and patience. It's time for me to "Listen" not "speak my thoughts" - honestly, it's about all I can think to do right now that won't hurt anyone. To repeat again from the phone call, I think the situation sucks because either way I see to go is hard - Do you push it, keep putting in the effort, possibly push her away, get frustrated, hurt, etc? or Just forget it, drop the potential and the vision of this great relationship that could be?
My suggestion is the second. I think we (or at least I) need to work on accepting certain things for what they are - a chance encounter with a cool girl at a store, the ideal relationship we conjure for that cute, mysterious girl we see on campus, the friend of a friend we meet who likes videogames - these are not all potential great relationships, they simply are what they are and perhaps, if we can enjoy them for just that, we won't end up in these situations.
For example, in my case, where this girl mentioned to a good friend of mine that she thought I was attractive and proceeded to ask about me - I should have left it for what it was, a compliment and a laugh. What did I do? First I told myself not think about it, not to get excited, then I proceeded to spend the weekend thinking about how our relationship might turn out with this girl who I knew nothing about except that she was shy. To be honest, I'd give up a lot right now if that could have been the extent of our paths crossing. Unfortunately, it's not.
So many weekends lost to expectations of how things should be and the sadness that follows when they are not. If I had been really Listening, I would have heard that this girl was simply remarking on my physical qualities, and expressing her resulting curiousity about my character. She wasn't asking for a relationship, but over the next few months, I proceeded to explain to her why one between us wouldn't continue to work out if she continued to be A or B or C, etc.
In your situation, from what I know, this is what I'm hearing - the girl did like you for a period and she was excited as well. For whatever reason, those feelings are different now and she is not sure of what she wants between the two of you. So I would say, listen to it, accept it and the fact that this girl did not mean to hurt you, even if what she has done feels like "toying with your feelings," and deattach. A Jedi has no attachments and no possessions. I personally don't think it would be easy for me to let go of the idea (the hope) to make the relationship work, but I think that's what you should do. If anything, you can learn from my recent mistakes - how could I not hear what this girl was saying (or more correctly NOT saying) every time I felt the need to talk about what our relationship status was?
I don't think this will be the easiest thing for me to accomplish over these next few years, but I want to be more accepting, more open to hearing what people are really saying (not what I want them to be saying or what I should be saying), and I want to be able to have things in my life simply for what they are - again, girls that I just share a night dancing with, a conversation in line with, a glance on campus with, whatever - no attachment, accept them for what they are and continue with the important parts of life.
I'm deciding to let go of this relationship that I f-ed up, but I am partially doing so because it was never meant to be - I pretty much knew it and she never wanted it anyway. Hopefully I'll be able to listen better in the future, and maybe I'll hear that she wants to be friends. Right now, she's not speaking to me at all - so I'm going to leave her alone for once, and I am sincerely going to try and not think negatively about her or want revenge or anything - until I believe it.
Reply
Leave a comment