Dangers of an unoccupied mind
Here is a demonstration of my line of thinking:
So when Colleen called me on May 21st on her way home to ME and told me that she bought me a present that she wasn't sending me because she thought it might make me fall in love with her and she wanted to be there when that happened, I originally thought wow this girl should calm down. Love? Please. This was fun. I really liked her but love? Then I dwell on it and think hey this girl really likes me, the last girl who really liked me, in fact loved me, wasn't open enough/comfortable enough to tell me about those feelings and the same could be said for me. So I start thinking, yes this has been fun, and yes I do really like her, could this be more...So I think some more...calm down I am not going to say it but I began to entertain the idea that I could possibly fall in love with this girl. The thought of this makes me happy. Fast forward a week or so and Colleen and I are talking on the phone regularly, we set up "dates" for the other one to call so we don't have to worry about missing each other or waking people up. Then by a stroke of luck I get two days of in a row, preceded by a opening shift and followed by a clsoing shift and I imagine the possibility of me visiting ME and seeing her sooner than later. I tell her this after doing so research and she is not impressed or excited at the idea, nor does she express any sign of disappointment at it not being able to work because she is going to be away for the weekend (the weekend being this past weekend), by a stroke of luck I get the same schedule again this week and again she is not availible and seemingly not disappointed. So here is where the crazy comes in- I haven't spoken to her since last tuesday the 7th for any significant amount of time, really since the 3rd actually. I begin to think hey why haven't we spoken? Why is she all of a sudden busy, before I mentioned coming to see her she had nothing to do not her weekends are booked? When we last spoke I mentioned the possibility of me visiting ME in early July and she switched up from late MAy/early June excitement to see me to "well I might have work". She told me earlier that she was happy to sit around all summer and do nothing- I told her to get a job but I didn't tell her to get so late in the game where she might not be able to arrange time off so that my visiting her would be comprised of me sitting around whiel she was at work. I go inside my head and remember everything she ahs ever said could possibly lead to the conclusion that she is no longer interested in me and that the "falling in love" nonsense is just that nonsense- she once told me that she had a "problem" of ending up kissing her really good friends, this coming weekend she is spending with a guy she has dated/slept with and who still wants her before he goes away to study a broad (last hoorah, badda biong badda boom have a nice trip I'll fuck you I mean see you soon, anyone else get that sense or just the crazy boy typing this?), she hasn't spoken to and even though I called her and caught briefly on friday and said "Hey I am a little mad at you because here I am calling you and you are home which means you haven't called me despite your trip this weekend which means you would have gone all weekend without calling!!" to which she replies" Don't be silly I am going to call you" and I said " Oh yeah, are you going to bring a roll of quarters and call me from a pay phone?" and she replies "No" and we say friendly goodbyes and she hasn't called me since, while she was here in LI before things got close to serious with us she let me know she was "all relationshipped out", that is right at 19 going on 20 she was all relationshipped out( she later explained she was tired of putting effort in to relationships only to reveal the true asshole nature of the guys she was hanging around with and end up getting hurt) She "undid" this relationshipped out thing by saying I seemed to be asshole free(figuratively not literally, I assure you I am fully functional) so she could see herself happy in a relationship with me. LEts see what else is bugging me- oh yes our "dates" have been mostly late night and while they are not made up of phone sex there is much talk of sex and her longing to kiss me which leads me to believe again that the "love" thing is in fact a lust thing and that I am merely the lead in to her "dick years" as I like to call them(I will explain those in detail at a later time). Now being caught up in the middle of her dick years is fine I would be ok with that IF that was the impression I was given from the begining but now I have been forced to catch feeling by this uber cute nice smiley little girl who had no business smiling at me in the first place and enticing me!!! If all she wanted was sex then all she had to say was "Hey, all I want is sex" and cool I can work with that, I have once or twice in the past, it is not my prefered method of "relationship" by I have worn that suit. But now she had to go on with the hugs, and the cuddles, and sleep overs, and dinners, and the nicities(spelling? niceties?) and where does that leave me? I'll tell you a coupled hudnred miles away from her, beating myself up over stupid shit and driving myself crazy, probably over nothing, and building up my defenses again so I can prepare to not like her when in fact she does pick up the phone, even though there was no reason at all keeping her from calling me in the first place, which means I should worry myself or allow my now caught feelings to get hurt in the meantime. Do you see this cycle I create? Do you see I am a sabotuer? Do you see Kaveh is right and we should strive not to hink about the opposite sex (or same sex if you happen to be gay or bi). Dang it all to heck.--that was more randomly typed and free thought than usualy so good luck decihpering my mixed up and incomplete sentences.
So when Colleen called me on May 21st on her way home to ME and told me that she bought me a present that she wasn't sending me because she thought it might make me fall in love with her and she wanted to be there when that happened, I originally thought wow this girl should calm down. Love? Please. This was fun. I really liked her but love? Then I dwell on it and think hey this girl really likes me, the last girl who really liked me, in fact loved me, wasn't open enough/comfortable enough to tell me about those feelings and the same could be said for me. So I start thinking, yes this has been fun, and yes I do really like her, could this be more...So I think some more...calm down I am not going to say it but I began to entertain the idea that I could possibly fall in love with this girl. The thought of this makes me happy. Fast forward a week or so and Colleen and I are talking on the phone regularly, we set up "dates" for the other one to call so we don't have to worry about missing each other or waking people up. Then by a stroke of luck I get two days of in a row, preceded by a opening shift and followed by a clsoing shift and I imagine the possibility of me visiting ME and seeing her sooner than later. I tell her this after doing so research and she is not impressed or excited at the idea, nor does she express any sign of disappointment at it not being able to work because she is going to be away for the weekend (the weekend being this past weekend), by a stroke of luck I get the same schedule again this week and again she is not availible and seemingly not disappointed. So here is where the crazy comes in- I haven't spoken to her since last tuesday the 7th for any significant amount of time, really since the 3rd actually. I begin to think hey why haven't we spoken? Why is she all of a sudden busy, before I mentioned coming to see her she had nothing to do not her weekends are booked? When we last spoke I mentioned the possibility of me visiting ME in early July and she switched up from late MAy/early June excitement to see me to "well I might have work". She told me earlier that she was happy to sit around all summer and do nothing- I told her to get a job but I didn't tell her to get so late in the game where she might not be able to arrange time off so that my visiting her would be comprised of me sitting around whiel she was at work. I go inside my head and remember everything she ahs ever said could possibly lead to the conclusion that she is no longer interested in me and that the "falling in love" nonsense is just that nonsense- she once told me that she had a "problem" of ending up kissing her really good friends, this coming weekend she is spending with a guy she has dated/slept with and who still wants her before he goes away to study a broad (last hoorah, badda biong badda boom have a nice trip I'll fuck you I mean see you soon, anyone else get that sense or just the crazy boy typing this?), she hasn't spoken to and even though I called her and caught briefly on friday and said "Hey I am a little mad at you because here I am calling you and you are home which means you haven't called me despite your trip this weekend which means you would have gone all weekend without calling!!" to which she replies" Don't be silly I am going to call you" and I said " Oh yeah, are you going to bring a roll of quarters and call me from a pay phone?" and she replies "No" and we say friendly goodbyes and she hasn't called me since, while she was here in LI before things got close to serious with us she let me know she was "all relationshipped out", that is right at 19 going on 20 she was all relationshipped out( she later explained she was tired of putting effort in to relationships only to reveal the true asshole nature of the guys she was hanging around with and end up getting hurt) She "undid" this relationshipped out thing by saying I seemed to be asshole free(figuratively not literally, I assure you I am fully functional) so she could see herself happy in a relationship with me. LEts see what else is bugging me- oh yes our "dates" have been mostly late night and while they are not made up of phone sex there is much talk of sex and her longing to kiss me which leads me to believe again that the "love" thing is in fact a lust thing and that I am merely the lead in to her "dick years" as I like to call them(I will explain those in detail at a later time). Now being caught up in the middle of her dick years is fine I would be ok with that IF that was the impression I was given from the begining but now I have been forced to catch feeling by this uber cute nice smiley little girl who had no business smiling at me in the first place and enticing me!!! If all she wanted was sex then all she had to say was "Hey, all I want is sex" and cool I can work with that, I have once or twice in the past, it is not my prefered method of "relationship" by I have worn that suit. But now she had to go on with the hugs, and the cuddles, and sleep overs, and dinners, and the nicities(spelling? niceties?) and where does that leave me? I'll tell you a coupled hudnred miles away from her, beating myself up over stupid shit and driving myself crazy, probably over nothing, and building up my defenses again so I can prepare to not like her when in fact she does pick up the phone, even though there was no reason at all keeping her from calling me in the first place, which means I should worry myself or allow my now caught feelings to get hurt in the meantime. Do you see this cycle I create? Do you see I am a sabotuer? Do you see Kaveh is right and we should strive not to hink about the opposite sex (or same sex if you happen to be gay or bi). Dang it all to heck.--that was more randomly typed and free thought than usualy so good luck decihpering my mixed up and incomplete sentences.