All I ever wanted, all I never needed is right here in my arms.
I've become a livejournal addict again. It makes work go by so fast! This is such a pointless job. I cant stand it anymore! I could just as easily stay up all night at home and read livejournal entries and do nothing else. The phone rang once last night.
Tomorrow is going to suck. I have a doctors appointment at 9:40... I think it might be 8:40. shit... I dont know.. either way it would be pointless to drive alllll the way home just to come back... I estimate a round trip from here to work costs me about $13 and thats insane. I don't know why I bought that fucking touareg. Its such a mom car. At first I liked the heated leather seats, the automatic everything... pretty much all the bells and whistles that come with a nice car. oh! and Especially the bluetooth and built in navigation. I later realized that soon all of that shit is going to break and cost way to much to have fixed. I should of kept my jetta... she was mostly reliable and great on gas.. I filled up once a month... not once a week.
at least I got paid tonight... I have NO excuse to still live paycheck to paycheck but I do and its so easy to do. I don't know how I spent $2000 in two weeks. I have no fucking clue... even looking at my bank statement it still does not add up.... but it does. ughhh. I suck so bad with money. Nyles is way worse though... I had to give him lunch money for tomorrow. He makes more than me and its not fair. We split bills pretty equally and It doesn't make sense... I tried doing a budget... but when it comes down to it - it's too painful and I stop. My debt to income ratio is sooooo fucked. ughh it always works out though.
I got new running shoes in the mail today. they are okay... I thought i'd like them more. They are really really light.. it almost feels like i'm not wearing shoes. Maybe they are normal and i'm just so use to only wearing heavy steel toe boots with this uniform. Speaking uniforms... I have a dress blue inspection on the first. ughhhhh. I am certain that it wont fit me anymore. God I got so fucking fat. what the fucked happened? i'm going to HAVE to buy a new one and they are expensive.. I should of used my UNIFORM ALLOWANCE for uniforms... but its the same every year... i don't.
so anyways, shoes... yeah I put them on after dinner and we all went to the baseball field behind cradock middle school and played 'baseball'. Its so weird living on the same street as a middle school... It sort of reminds me of the neigborhood by kennedy middle school in clearwater... like how its in the middle of a neighborhood, except cradock is the ghetto. Kennedy middle school is not even called kennedy middle school anymore... its something else now.. I forget now though... clearwater fundamental... something like that. ughh portsmouth. what a mistake you were... I should of stayed in Virginia Beach and just be more poor. 1100 is what I was paying for a 1 bedroom apartment... it wasn't even in a cool part of VB. I pay $1000 for a two-story 4 bedroom house. Cradock's claim to fame is its americas first planned shopping center. I imagine it was nice when this neighborhood was established in 1918.... the same year my house was built. But there is nothing left in the 'shopping center'. One small bbq place that is actually delicious! ... a VFW that is never open and two wayyyyy overpriced convenience stores that are next door to each other. Everything else is abandoned and boarded up.
so baseball was fun - It was more like nyles hits the ball and I chase it and have to search for it in the overgrown grass. I think i ruined my shoes. they are filthy. I think I might have injured myself too.. I'm limping and it sucks.
I promise this will be the last time I bring him up.
I have an ending to his story, finally.
I had another dream, this time in color - all of a sudden I was in my Mercury sable and depeche mode - enjoy the silence was playing. I was on a familiar dark road in Orlando florida. I knew immediately where I was going because I only went down that road when I was going to see him. It was like I time traveled... I knew that this was NOT currently where I was supposed to be in my life and I was so scared. I kept thinking what the fuck am I doing here? I'm not 18, I don't live here. i'm 27.. I have to go home! where is Evan? where is Nyles? I kept looking for my military ID as proof. I couldn't face HIM. I didn't want to see him! I had to figure out why I went back in time.. and how to get back. I turned around and found my old apartment.. I ran to my room and cried for what felt like hours. Chris Uhler asked me what was wrong and I told him everything and for some crazy reason and believed me. He said it was normal to jump in time but he didn't know how to get back. My cell phone rang, It was an old LG flip phone. remember those? it didn't even have a camera on it... or internet... or anything. it was just a phone. I answered it like I didnt know him anymore.... because I dont. I tried to explain .. he thought I was a crazy person and for a moment I thought maybe I was too. I told him about how I don't know him anymore, about how I am married and I have a family, about the navy, about Virginia, about going to Africa, about painting a school in Senegal with really cheap paint and how the paint seriously cracked and chipped off of the walls after it was dry, how there was no grass at this school.. just so much sand. How there was no running water, or a bathroom, just a room and a floor to go to the bathroom on. How we made them a chalkboard by painting a wall black. How the kids kept trying to take my bottle of water and my nutrigrain bar and that I ended up just giving it to them so they would leave me alone. How they kept asking me questions in french. How I finally got over him when I met Nyles and joined the Navy, How I grew up into a functioning adult without him. How 9 years from now I would send him a facebook message requesting his friendship that he would ignore. How this was all livejournals fault... for putting him in my thoughts and dreams again. How livejournal somehow let me time travel. It felt like I said all of that and probably more in one breath of air. He said "don't move i'm coming over". I assumed it would be to take to the hospital because I had obviously lost my mind. five seconds later he walked in through my bedroom door.. he stood silent for a moment, sighed and asked me if I wanted to go back.
-YES- YES OF COURSE I WANT TO GO BACK. I jolted awake and sat straight up, sweaty and blanketless.
I went on facebook and canceled my request for friendship which i'm sure he denied. It had been a day and I don't know anyone who does not check facebook daily, or get phone alerts. Was it rejection that I was looking for the whole time? Is that supposed to be some kind of closure that I never even knew that I needed. I don't know... but I think it worked.
I feel better now. But stupid for ever thinking we could be 'faceboook friends'. I am a stupid - stupid woman.
I went downstairs and sat down on the couch with Evan and Nyles and gave them big kisses and told them that I loved them.
I can't believe its already 4 am. This night has flew by.. i'll be getting off in about an hour or so.. I have no idea what i'm going to do until my appointment starts.
Tomorrow is going to suck. I have a doctors appointment at 9:40... I think it might be 8:40. shit... I dont know.. either way it would be pointless to drive alllll the way home just to come back... I estimate a round trip from here to work costs me about $13 and thats insane. I don't know why I bought that fucking touareg. Its such a mom car. At first I liked the heated leather seats, the automatic everything... pretty much all the bells and whistles that come with a nice car. oh! and Especially the bluetooth and built in navigation. I later realized that soon all of that shit is going to break and cost way to much to have fixed. I should of kept my jetta... she was mostly reliable and great on gas.. I filled up once a month... not once a week.
at least I got paid tonight... I have NO excuse to still live paycheck to paycheck but I do and its so easy to do. I don't know how I spent $2000 in two weeks. I have no fucking clue... even looking at my bank statement it still does not add up.... but it does. ughhh. I suck so bad with money. Nyles is way worse though... I had to give him lunch money for tomorrow. He makes more than me and its not fair. We split bills pretty equally and It doesn't make sense... I tried doing a budget... but when it comes down to it - it's too painful and I stop. My debt to income ratio is sooooo fucked. ughh it always works out though.
I got new running shoes in the mail today. they are okay... I thought i'd like them more. They are really really light.. it almost feels like i'm not wearing shoes. Maybe they are normal and i'm just so use to only wearing heavy steel toe boots with this uniform. Speaking uniforms... I have a dress blue inspection on the first. ughhhhh. I am certain that it wont fit me anymore. God I got so fucking fat. what the fucked happened? i'm going to HAVE to buy a new one and they are expensive.. I should of used my UNIFORM ALLOWANCE for uniforms... but its the same every year... i don't.
so anyways, shoes... yeah I put them on after dinner and we all went to the baseball field behind cradock middle school and played 'baseball'. Its so weird living on the same street as a middle school... It sort of reminds me of the neigborhood by kennedy middle school in clearwater... like how its in the middle of a neighborhood, except cradock is the ghetto. Kennedy middle school is not even called kennedy middle school anymore... its something else now.. I forget now though... clearwater fundamental... something like that. ughh portsmouth. what a mistake you were... I should of stayed in Virginia Beach and just be more poor. 1100 is what I was paying for a 1 bedroom apartment... it wasn't even in a cool part of VB. I pay $1000 for a two-story 4 bedroom house. Cradock's claim to fame is its americas first planned shopping center. I imagine it was nice when this neighborhood was established in 1918.... the same year my house was built. But there is nothing left in the 'shopping center'. One small bbq place that is actually delicious! ... a VFW that is never open and two wayyyyy overpriced convenience stores that are next door to each other. Everything else is abandoned and boarded up.
so baseball was fun - It was more like nyles hits the ball and I chase it and have to search for it in the overgrown grass. I think i ruined my shoes. they are filthy. I think I might have injured myself too.. I'm limping and it sucks.
I promise this will be the last time I bring him up.
I have an ending to his story, finally.
I had another dream, this time in color - all of a sudden I was in my Mercury sable and depeche mode - enjoy the silence was playing. I was on a familiar dark road in Orlando florida. I knew immediately where I was going because I only went down that road when I was going to see him. It was like I time traveled... I knew that this was NOT currently where I was supposed to be in my life and I was so scared. I kept thinking what the fuck am I doing here? I'm not 18, I don't live here. i'm 27.. I have to go home! where is Evan? where is Nyles? I kept looking for my military ID as proof. I couldn't face HIM. I didn't want to see him! I had to figure out why I went back in time.. and how to get back. I turned around and found my old apartment.. I ran to my room and cried for what felt like hours. Chris Uhler asked me what was wrong and I told him everything and for some crazy reason and believed me. He said it was normal to jump in time but he didn't know how to get back. My cell phone rang, It was an old LG flip phone. remember those? it didn't even have a camera on it... or internet... or anything. it was just a phone. I answered it like I didnt know him anymore.... because I dont. I tried to explain .. he thought I was a crazy person and for a moment I thought maybe I was too. I told him about how I don't know him anymore, about how I am married and I have a family, about the navy, about Virginia, about going to Africa, about painting a school in Senegal with really cheap paint and how the paint seriously cracked and chipped off of the walls after it was dry, how there was no grass at this school.. just so much sand. How there was no running water, or a bathroom, just a room and a floor to go to the bathroom on. How we made them a chalkboard by painting a wall black. How the kids kept trying to take my bottle of water and my nutrigrain bar and that I ended up just giving it to them so they would leave me alone. How they kept asking me questions in french. How I finally got over him when I met Nyles and joined the Navy, How I grew up into a functioning adult without him. How 9 years from now I would send him a facebook message requesting his friendship that he would ignore. How this was all livejournals fault... for putting him in my thoughts and dreams again. How livejournal somehow let me time travel. It felt like I said all of that and probably more in one breath of air. He said "don't move i'm coming over". I assumed it would be to take to the hospital because I had obviously lost my mind. five seconds later he walked in through my bedroom door.. he stood silent for a moment, sighed and asked me if I wanted to go back.
-YES- YES OF COURSE I WANT TO GO BACK. I jolted awake and sat straight up, sweaty and blanketless.
I went on facebook and canceled my request for friendship which i'm sure he denied. It had been a day and I don't know anyone who does not check facebook daily, or get phone alerts. Was it rejection that I was looking for the whole time? Is that supposed to be some kind of closure that I never even knew that I needed. I don't know... but I think it worked.
I feel better now. But stupid for ever thinking we could be 'faceboook friends'. I am a stupid - stupid woman.
I went downstairs and sat down on the couch with Evan and Nyles and gave them big kisses and told them that I loved them.
I can't believe its already 4 am. This night has flew by.. i'll be getting off in about an hour or so.. I have no idea what i'm going to do until my appointment starts.