Dec 02, 2004 04:19
So this is where i go to vent right?...well i'm sitting here cause i can't sleep...i'm scared...my mom's in the hospital right now..having her cat scan possibly..First off i'd like to say that the day started off shitty..i get a phone call from T-mobile basically telling me my bill is past due..fuck..i forgot..and i don't have the money cause of that bum fuck of a job won't call me with my fucking schedule...so i thought to myself..maybe i can ask my mom to pay my bill as my christmas present..i don't give a fuck about presents or gifts anymore..Next is realizing that i may not go to Emery and From First To Last cause of lack of money...FUCK ME AGAIN...so i'm pissed about that..trying not to get sympathy for it..or maybe being subtle about it...then i start thinking of the fact that i need to look for another job but feel it may be too late...also thinking that i have little gas and need money for that if i'm gonna make my trips this weekend..FUCK THERE....so i'm pondering and wondering when my mom is gonna get home..walking around the house getting food..talking to some friends and what not..noticing that the house is empty..hmmm...so i walk around the house every 30..by then it's like 6 or so..and i come downstairs again and see my grandfather..and he says, "i'm gonna need you to come with me" i'm like..what is it?...ugh..then fucking shit hits the fan..."your mom is in the emergency room"......AHHHHHHH FUCK YOU WORLDDDDDDDDDDD.
So on the car ride over to the hospital my grandfather tells me how my mom started off with a bad headache..was sent to the hospital from work...she clears ok from the doctors and then all of a sudden her hands started shaking and she can't control herself...ugh..don't even want to explain anymore...so i'm like..maybe she's ok...grrrrr...so i go in the hospital and go to her room where a fucking nurse and my family is surrounding her..i can barely see her...i try to squeeze in and see her but can't get a good view...by the time the nurse is done with her and leaves for the moment..i go in to see her and yeah...i wanted to cry so badly...i've never seen my mother like that and it breaks my heart...she was all shaking and spazzing when she talked...she's so young too...i didnt know what to say...i'm tearing up thinking about it..my stepdad tried to make the best of the situation by making some jokes...it was helping a bit...but visitors had to leave...the doctors don't know yet whats the situation..and won't know till after her cat scan tonight which i won't find out till tomorrow...when i left..i told her i love her and it was so sad cause she tried to wave to me but couldnt control her hand....I could tell my grandmother had been getting her tears out...It's all fucked up...this is the third time my mom has been to the hospital in two months for something wrong...had surgery twice and this time i don't know what the fuck is gonna happen. I don't even know what to think or feel anymore other than pissed and depressed. So much is just driving me insane right now but like i always do..i pull through..i'm not gonna blame god and i'm not gonna say the world is against me...this shit just happens...you deal with it...of course i'm gonna bawl my fucking eyes out and be fucking crying pussy cause i care and i want to fix everything. I guess i'm just gonna have to sit and think of how to make things better for myself. And wait and see what happens with her....I can't stand the fact of losing her this early in life and hope this is all nothing....i mean shit like this happens to everyohe right? it couldnt be that bad.
On a lighter note..i just spent about 10 minutes learning "Sounds Of Sulfer" by The Bled on the Guitar...not a hard song to learn, but not an easy one...i'd say a good little challenge to keep the skillz up. And i made sure to learn the most important details on the guitar so that i'm not being a pushover and learning just power fucking chords. I like the bled..good shit..i give em much credit for the riffs they make...but that is one song you need two guitars to sound at it's best of course. I think i jam this weekend with A Time To Remember..should be fun...i've got a show with Elise coming up...that will be interesting...especially since i found out we're playing with hardcore bands..heh...I admit i'm a little scared...i feel like we're dashboard playing with fucking norma jean or poison the well. Oh well..i guess it's cool that i can do hardcore stuff and acoustic band stuff..heh..don't see many of those musicians...i think i'm gonna mess around on the guitar some more
I don't know why but...I used to have someone i could talk to about these things..but no one i know now..really stands out to me as the person to talk to about everything..i feel like i would just bore them with my shit and i couldnt recieve the best comfort and advice i need.....I think in my life i've had three people that i could talk to..and all three are no longer those people. Chris, Brandi, and Amanda..... now it's no one...chris is my best friend but...it's not the same anymore. hopefully one day i'll find that person i can feel that comfortable with...right now..i just can't really talk to anyone about it. Almost everyone feels somewhat fake to me..hell i most likely am too..so i won't disclude myself...I need someone real in my life.....other than my family...and the most real person to me who is laying in a fucking hospital bed....UGH..back to the guitar..bye