I breathe by your looks...you look right through me
My smile's an open wound without you
and my hands are tied to pages
inked to bring you back
Tonight the head phones will deliver you
The words that I can't say
::Tonight I miss you, a million miles away::
Tuesday we got off from school 'cause of elections. I didn't any see friends. I didn't see Alex. Instead I drew a stupid anime picture and stayed in my pajamas until 4:00. I want to forget that day ever happened. It just wasn't cool, and my hopes for seeing people were so high it was the biggest let down ever to not have it go my way. Well what can you do I guess...
Today was good. Chem class was a fun ending. My grades are apparently more on the sucky side than I thought though. Maybe I could fix it if there weren't 2 FUCKING DAYS left in the term. Atleast the weekend is coming. I don't wanna work though...Andrew is just so energy-draining and besides it was agreed with Mary that I'd work every other weekend. Dunno how that deal fell apart. Friday Carrie's having a gathering at her place. That should be fun. It's been awhile since we've all gotten together or felt close. I haven't felt like there's been anyone close to me for 2 years now. It's something thats always getting me down, but I guess after awhile you learn to deal with not having anyone in the broken-posse to talk to on the phone or see every weekend. Inside, I'm still not over it. It seems like everyone else is but me. The schism really killed me. I hope you all know that. But it shouldn't have. I've always relied on relations with other people to keep me happy. I don't have as much self-esteem as I should to do it by myself. So really, its my fault for letting myself plunge into a depression sophomore year over it. But you know, I think of OUR POSSE every night before I go to bed. I think about it every time one of you doesn't say hi to me in the hallway. I think about it when plans are made and some are excluded. I fucking think about it every fucking time I need to talk to somebody and they're not there. That circle of people, the only ones I could ever let down my defenses around, is GONE. And now the wall is back up. And I wish I could blame somebody. But I really can't. I can't even blame my fucking self for whatever happened. I can't even remember what DID happen. And then I wonder, if our friendship broke up that easily, how deep could it have run in the first place???
Finally, moving on...and completely changing the topic because now I'm really down...
About the election. Now if you're like me, you've laughed, sworn infuriatingly, and cried through this election process. Laughed at Bush's pathetic attempt to fill two minutes of talking time during the first debate, cursed infurinatingly over the pompous republican ass Jay Severen's morning/noon talk show, and cried over the election results. Just to dig the subject into the ground a little deeper, i'll say a few more things on this topic. I despise Bush. Do I love Kerry? No. I don't feel either candidate is PERFECT for running the country. But we needed homeboy out of there like a freakin national emergency. All of my fellow pro-bush/republican friends who have prompted political arguments just to see my reaction, and ran up to me today doing a victory dance over Kerry's loss - listen closely. I am NOT packing my bags and moving to the secluded wilderness of Canada- I am NOT cleaning the dust off my sniper- I am NOT plotting to assassinate anybody and make Deirdre ruler (although that would be cool). It is not the end of the world, even for me, your lovable liberal. All I hope is that Kerry's challenge will have lit a flame under Bush's ass. If he wants to go down in history as the worst president ever by sitting and doing nothing about everything, then thats exactly what will happen. If there's any flicker of hope in my heart it's that he will, with every ounce of good in him (if there is any), make this country a better place and finish this mess in Iraq. I can't wallow in misery now, it's honestly too late for that. Just gotta hope no one gets nuked in the next 4 years...
God bless us all. Every one.