<3?
It's a very strange feeling when you realize that you don't know who you are. I mean, you really don't know who the person inside you is.
I was laying on the floor in my living room playing with the dog. I stretched and in doing so my shirt came up pretty high. I laid there for a moment thinking about it and I reached the point where I just couldn't stand it... so I pulled my shirt back down. It wasn't because my stomach was cold, or that the fabric bunched up in a way that made me uncomfortable... it was because I felt ugly. I felt ugly in my own living room, at home alone with only the dog... because my stomach was showing.
This made me realize that everything I do isn't about impressing other people. I don't turn the music down when a car pulls up next to me because I actually care what this person who I will never see again thinks. I don't talk more softly and calculate my words when I meet new people because I actually give a shit what this person will think. I do it because of what *I* think. I do it because of what I would think if I were looking through that person's eyes. Even when people can't see me I keep it up, because I'm constantly judging myself. From a rational point I know that NOBODY judges me the way I judge myself, and I can honestly say that I have never looked at someone else the way I see me. I think I actually dislike myself.
Ok, now think about that statement for a moment. I think I actually dislike myself. I think that I've spent my entire life being disatisfied with everything about me. I'm not just saying that I don't like the way I look (which I don't) but really... this dislike is on such a deep level that I don't even realize it. This personal displeasure motivates almost every action... and that's kinda fucked up.
You know what? I don't know what I want to say here, and I don't know that I need to be talking about it on the internet. Thanks for at least reading this far...
I was laying on the floor in my living room playing with the dog. I stretched and in doing so my shirt came up pretty high. I laid there for a moment thinking about it and I reached the point where I just couldn't stand it... so I pulled my shirt back down. It wasn't because my stomach was cold, or that the fabric bunched up in a way that made me uncomfortable... it was because I felt ugly. I felt ugly in my own living room, at home alone with only the dog... because my stomach was showing.
This made me realize that everything I do isn't about impressing other people. I don't turn the music down when a car pulls up next to me because I actually care what this person who I will never see again thinks. I don't talk more softly and calculate my words when I meet new people because I actually give a shit what this person will think. I do it because of what *I* think. I do it because of what I would think if I were looking through that person's eyes. Even when people can't see me I keep it up, because I'm constantly judging myself. From a rational point I know that NOBODY judges me the way I judge myself, and I can honestly say that I have never looked at someone else the way I see me. I think I actually dislike myself.
Ok, now think about that statement for a moment. I think I actually dislike myself. I think that I've spent my entire life being disatisfied with everything about me. I'm not just saying that I don't like the way I look (which I don't) but really... this dislike is on such a deep level that I don't even realize it. This personal displeasure motivates almost every action... and that's kinda fucked up.
You know what? I don't know what I want to say here, and I don't know that I need to be talking about it on the internet. Thanks for at least reading this far...