The Journal Entry of Death
Ever get that feeling like something awful is going to happen? Like you're doing something for the last time, even though it's something you do everyday of your life, like driving to work? I get these ominous feelings every once and a while and it's a scary feeling since I come from a family of psychics where we can see things happening right before they happen, yet I can't tell the difference between my ESP and my overactive imagination.
I got that feeling again tonight and I don't know why. The sky was clear on the night of a full moon save for one small patch that was blocking out the moon. There were menacing shadows everywhere and all I could see was a blindingly bright flash of light whiting out the nighttime sky. I'm talking about the nuclear annihilation kind of light. A calming yet stupendous light washing over the atmosphere, illuminating the scenescape, silent. I never had the urge to pullover onto the side of the road underneathe the nearest bridge so badly, yet at the same time, given the nature of my job, I would have had to trudge to work anyway.
Where Franklin lies, we're in the fallout zone of the Pilgrim Nuclear Power Plant in Plymouth. A little lesson on high-grade nuclear explosions: 10 mile radius is incinerated instantaneously (those are the lucky ones), 10-20 mile radius is burnt with radioactive flames (those people survive but pray to the Heavens to take them now), 20-30 mile radius is devastated by gale-force winds (they're batted around, most probably killed by flying debris or choked to death on radioactive wind), and the 30-40 mile radius is the radioactive fall-out zone (it rains acid, the sky is darkened, and soil and water are tainted for the next 50 years). No matter where you are, never look directly at the explosion. It will melt your eyes.
Yeah... call me insane, but I find this stuff fascinating. In Hiroshima and Nagasaki, "black shadows" in the shapes of humans were found etched into stone surfaces. Those WERE humans. I can't recall names of cities, but the melted eyebrows thing comes from medical reports of people from across the bay. Can you believe they taught us this stuff in ELEMENTARY school!?!?!?!? I still remember watching that video (does THAT count as the first anime I ever saw?)
So anyway, with all the terrible stuff happening in England right now, it's hard not to get back into this state of mind. And I have to fly in two weeks. Oh man, it's a good thing I'm no coward. If anyone hijacks my place, fuckin' better believe it that no fucking box-cutter or "bomb" is going to hold me back (rip off the tray table to use as a shield... use a plane-phone as a blunt instrument... aim for the throat and eyes... a quick jab to either is enough to stun long enough to disarm... break arms on seats to break bones... use the phone cord to strangle if that's what strategy calls for... I'm dying anyway, might as well die a hero).
Of course, even without the terror threat rising, I've been feeling melancholy lately. Can't a new year with the anime convention ever start out GOOD!?!?! Ugh, and it would help if I had the respect of the executives, but apparently they have no faith in me either (including the one who really SHOULD... I know who the 5 people who voted for me were, and I was shocked if not disgusted that one of them did not give me the support I thought I had). But whatever, I'm in the state of mind of what happens, happens. If I'm not an executive, nothing can be my fault. I'm leaving next year anyway, it's not worth the aggravation anymore. I'm putting all my effort into my website where at least I'm not treated like I'm an idiot.
Another thing that has me feeling lousy is I didn't get Nick's advice fast enough. I signed on with one of those dating sites and, man, if there's no quicker way in the universe to make yourself feel lower than dirt. I must have sent out at least 50 emails and I still have yet to get one single reply. Does it kill people to open dialogue with a stranger? These are people that, according to Match's database, are "good" for me, yet I get the sense that people are taking one glance at my photo and saying "yeah right." I got news for you, women of the internet, you're not all stunningly gorgeous yourself. To make matters worse, Match "kindly renewed" my account without asking me and since they "don't give refunds," I'm fucking stuck with it for another 3 months and out another $50.
Well, I'm leaving this pretenious society soon, so finding love now is a moot point. It's a shame that I'll be essentially "wasting" a whole year of my life (especially one of my good years... hey, 26 is a great age), but whatever, I'm happy now. I'm keeping busy, I'm saving some decent money, and I'm striving towards new goals. My only regret is that while some of my friendships with long-time friends are steadily improving, those with others are greatly deteriorating. I don't know what it is with the way I run my life. People just seem to drift anyway. Whether it's through fault of my own or through unfortunate circumstances, that is the wax and wane of life.
I had one other theory on my festering misery, and it has to do mainly with work. I'm not one to make friends easily, so I was ecstatic at the bonds I was making with the firefighters, paramedics, supervisors, and administrators here. But now that we're constructing a new headquarters, we're all spread out to different buildings. Unfortunately, where I am and the shift I man, my contact with other humans has gone from about 2 hours a day to about 5 minutes. Researchers have proven that human touch has healing powers, but I never thought that just human pressence would do the same.
How were my theories substaniated? Well, today was the day of our Fourth og July Parade. All the apparatus from our town and some guest equipment brought in from other towns all lined up and "marched" down Main Street. I met with my sister and Sydney and we found a good perch to watch the festivities, video camera in hand. The fulfilling sense I got wasn't from standing in the crowd, but from standing OUT in the crowd. Nearly every single truck that putted by had someone I knew in it and they all gave me warm and friendly greetings. People I hadn't seen in months, literally. It was a euphoric feeling to finally be reminded that I was part of a team, even though my role in it isn't as interactive as the rest.
So yeah, what conclusion can I draw from this gigantic rant? Who knows? Life is different every day. Even with my ESP, as confusing as it just makes life become, knowing exactly what is coming next is no fun. That's not what our existance was meant to be. How can we prepare ourself for the next day... the next hour... the next minute? We remain strong.
I got that feeling again tonight and I don't know why. The sky was clear on the night of a full moon save for one small patch that was blocking out the moon. There were menacing shadows everywhere and all I could see was a blindingly bright flash of light whiting out the nighttime sky. I'm talking about the nuclear annihilation kind of light. A calming yet stupendous light washing over the atmosphere, illuminating the scenescape, silent. I never had the urge to pullover onto the side of the road underneathe the nearest bridge so badly, yet at the same time, given the nature of my job, I would have had to trudge to work anyway.
Where Franklin lies, we're in the fallout zone of the Pilgrim Nuclear Power Plant in Plymouth. A little lesson on high-grade nuclear explosions: 10 mile radius is incinerated instantaneously (those are the lucky ones), 10-20 mile radius is burnt with radioactive flames (those people survive but pray to the Heavens to take them now), 20-30 mile radius is devastated by gale-force winds (they're batted around, most probably killed by flying debris or choked to death on radioactive wind), and the 30-40 mile radius is the radioactive fall-out zone (it rains acid, the sky is darkened, and soil and water are tainted for the next 50 years). No matter where you are, never look directly at the explosion. It will melt your eyes.
Yeah... call me insane, but I find this stuff fascinating. In Hiroshima and Nagasaki, "black shadows" in the shapes of humans were found etched into stone surfaces. Those WERE humans. I can't recall names of cities, but the melted eyebrows thing comes from medical reports of people from across the bay. Can you believe they taught us this stuff in ELEMENTARY school!?!?!?!? I still remember watching that video (does THAT count as the first anime I ever saw?)
So anyway, with all the terrible stuff happening in England right now, it's hard not to get back into this state of mind. And I have to fly in two weeks. Oh man, it's a good thing I'm no coward. If anyone hijacks my place, fuckin' better believe it that no fucking box-cutter or "bomb" is going to hold me back (rip off the tray table to use as a shield... use a plane-phone as a blunt instrument... aim for the throat and eyes... a quick jab to either is enough to stun long enough to disarm... break arms on seats to break bones... use the phone cord to strangle if that's what strategy calls for... I'm dying anyway, might as well die a hero).
Of course, even without the terror threat rising, I've been feeling melancholy lately. Can't a new year with the anime convention ever start out GOOD!?!?! Ugh, and it would help if I had the respect of the executives, but apparently they have no faith in me either (including the one who really SHOULD... I know who the 5 people who voted for me were, and I was shocked if not disgusted that one of them did not give me the support I thought I had). But whatever, I'm in the state of mind of what happens, happens. If I'm not an executive, nothing can be my fault. I'm leaving next year anyway, it's not worth the aggravation anymore. I'm putting all my effort into my website where at least I'm not treated like I'm an idiot.
Another thing that has me feeling lousy is I didn't get Nick's advice fast enough. I signed on with one of those dating sites and, man, if there's no quicker way in the universe to make yourself feel lower than dirt. I must have sent out at least 50 emails and I still have yet to get one single reply. Does it kill people to open dialogue with a stranger? These are people that, according to Match's database, are "good" for me, yet I get the sense that people are taking one glance at my photo and saying "yeah right." I got news for you, women of the internet, you're not all stunningly gorgeous yourself. To make matters worse, Match "kindly renewed" my account without asking me and since they "don't give refunds," I'm fucking stuck with it for another 3 months and out another $50.
Well, I'm leaving this pretenious society soon, so finding love now is a moot point. It's a shame that I'll be essentially "wasting" a whole year of my life (especially one of my good years... hey, 26 is a great age), but whatever, I'm happy now. I'm keeping busy, I'm saving some decent money, and I'm striving towards new goals. My only regret is that while some of my friendships with long-time friends are steadily improving, those with others are greatly deteriorating. I don't know what it is with the way I run my life. People just seem to drift anyway. Whether it's through fault of my own or through unfortunate circumstances, that is the wax and wane of life.
I had one other theory on my festering misery, and it has to do mainly with work. I'm not one to make friends easily, so I was ecstatic at the bonds I was making with the firefighters, paramedics, supervisors, and administrators here. But now that we're constructing a new headquarters, we're all spread out to different buildings. Unfortunately, where I am and the shift I man, my contact with other humans has gone from about 2 hours a day to about 5 minutes. Researchers have proven that human touch has healing powers, but I never thought that just human pressence would do the same.
How were my theories substaniated? Well, today was the day of our Fourth og July Parade. All the apparatus from our town and some guest equipment brought in from other towns all lined up and "marched" down Main Street. I met with my sister and Sydney and we found a good perch to watch the festivities, video camera in hand. The fulfilling sense I got wasn't from standing in the crowd, but from standing OUT in the crowd. Nearly every single truck that putted by had someone I knew in it and they all gave me warm and friendly greetings. People I hadn't seen in months, literally. It was a euphoric feeling to finally be reminded that I was part of a team, even though my role in it isn't as interactive as the rest.
So yeah, what conclusion can I draw from this gigantic rant? Who knows? Life is different every day. Even with my ESP, as confusing as it just makes life become, knowing exactly what is coming next is no fun. That's not what our existance was meant to be. How can we prepare ourself for the next day... the next hour... the next minute? We remain strong.