Fic: [Quantum Leap] Beware of Greeks bearing Gifts

[xenaclone]

This one is the fault of my husband, David!!
"Philippa?"
"Hmmmm?"
"Have you ever thought of leaping Sam into......." After I'd stopped laughing, this was the outcome.



'Xena, Warrior Princess' was created by Mssrs Schulian and Taupert, developed by R.J. Stewart and is filmed by Pacific Renaissance pictures for MCA Television Ltd.

The familiar blue haze of Sam's latest leap faded and the brilliant lightning stopped coursing through his body. He was wet. Sam slipped right down into and under water. He thrashed instinctively, then his feet found solid ground and smooth rocks and he stood up. The water was about chest height. Sam scowled at himself for having been caught out by such relatively shallow water. He shook the water out of his hair. His nose caught a mixture of scents; olive trees, pines, dust and heat. He closed his eyes briefly, drinking in the scents, raising his face to the clear blue sky. He smiled.
"Mmmmm, this is nice."
Sam broke out of his reverie and looked around cautiously. He was standing in a clear mountain lake, alone. A low rise sheltered the lake, making a natural hollow for the water. Sam looked down at himself, but all he could see was his own familiar chest with water droplets caught in the brown hair. He peered into the water, but there was a subtle current just here that stopped him getting a clear reflection of his host's face. He decided to get out of the water. It was only as he did so that he finally discovered that he was naked. Sam scrambled for the nearest bush.

On one of the branches he found a pair of light brown underpants and a rather rustic looking matching singlet. He quickly put them on.
"Sam!! Sam - thank God we found you! Ziggy's been going nuts."
Sam saw the shoes first. Bright red. He looked up, taking in Al's matching suit, black shirt and gold tie.
"Okay, Al. What's the deal this time?"
Al obligingly tapped his Handlink to Ziggy, "You're in Greece, Sam."
Sam's brow furrowed, "I can't speak Greek - can I?"
Al shook his head, "No, but it's extremely rural around here. I'll get Ziggy on the case, anyway. It's Summer.....Ziggy can't fix a date or a year just yet. Leaping out of America always causes her problems."

Sam began to hunt around the bush, "Does my host have any more clothes?"
Al walked through the bush, "I'll have a look. Hey, there's a real sword here...."
Sam scooted around the bush. He picked up the blade, "Wow....this is a good weapon, but what's it doing belonging to a village Greek?"
Al shrugged. Sam spotted something black on the next bush.
"What the hell?"
Al zeroed in beside Sam, "Ooooh, leather.....and all that metal,"
Al's eyes glowed, "I know...you're on location and starring in a bondage and fetish porno movie...."
Sam went beetroot and his mouth narrowed, "I hope to God you're wrong."
Al pointed at the leather bathing suit creation, "And those were made for covering only one...erm....two things."
The hologram was close to laughter. Sam pulled on the outfit and went back to the lake, his shoulders tense.

Sam found a still part of the water and bent over. Long black hair surrounding a stunningly attractive pale face and vivid blue eyes. And all woman; the suit fitted her curves like a second skin. Part of Sam's buried libido flamed in masculine appreciation.
"Ohhh, boyyy," he whispered.
Al bent over his shoulder, "Grrrrr...... What a babe. Boy, am I going to enjoy seeing her in the flesh."
Sam stood and stomped back up the hill. He sheathed the sword and found a pair of boots that completed the ensemble.
"Does this lady have a name?"
"Yeah, I got something coming through now. Ziggy, that's got to be her stage name..... Oh, well. For what it's worth, you're Xena, warrior princess."

Sam climbed resignedly to the top of the rise. He marvelled at the surprisingly lush green rolling countryside.
"Are you sure this is Greece? I thought it got dry and dusty around the Mediterranean in Summer."
Al shrugged, "That's what Ziggy says. I agree about the climate, but maybe this place is close to the mountains and there is that lake back there. I'd stick with Greece until we know better."
"Xena! Xena.....are you ready yet?"
Two heads turned towards the youthful feminine voice. Al's eyes flashed.
"Ooooh! A pocket blonde Venus too! Hey, do you think it's one of those girlie flicks......"
Sam glowered, "I haven't seen any cameras yet."

The new arrival bounced up like an eager puppy. Her clothing was pink, clinging cotton and rather on the brief side. She carried a long wooden staff and a leather purse hung at her side.
"I bought all the food you asked for, met a young poet called Euripedes and Argo's browsing next to those trees back there."
"Argo?"
The young woman smiled brightly, "I think he's finally accepted me. He was fine; all the way there and all the way back."
Al was boggling at the blonde's sweet curves and tapping furiously at the Handlink at the same time.
"This lovely specimen is Gabrielle - hey, that's not a Greek name. Argo....is Xena's horse."
Sam strode purposefully towards the trees.
"A horse," he muttered, "Damn."
He knew he had an uphill task winning over an animal which could see past Xena's aura.
"Hey, Xena; is Euripedes an old enemy of yours? It's just that you look like you're going to fight someone."
Sam snorted and walked on determinedly. Argo lifted his head and his nostrils flared.

Sam stopped. He relaxed his posture and held out a hand.
"Here, boy."
He whistled softly. Argo's ears twitched. Gabrielle put two fingers in her mouth and let out a piercing whistle.
"I finally got it!"
Her smile was wide and eager. Sam was concentrating on the horse. Argo started stepping cautiously towards him, then the beast's eyes saw Al and its ears went back.
"Al! Vamoose!"
Al nodded, understanding, "Okay, Sam. I can see you're kinda busy here, I'll go and check this Xena out in person."

He was grinning as the Imaging Chamber door closed behind him. Sam approached Argo. The horse's nose wrinkled and the nostrils flared. Sam stopped and the horse bridged the gap between them. Sam remembered an image from his childhood on the farm and breathed into Argo's nostrils. The horse nudged him. Sam relaxed. He was temporarily accepted. He mounted cautiously. Gabrielle caught up and fell into step beside him.

"So, where are we headed?"
Sam improvised, "Where would you like to go?"
"Wow.... See my family, maybe your relatives. Your brother was kinda nice. I liked him."
Sam made a guess, "I think he's too old for you, Gabrielle."
"Yeah, probably," she didn't sound too crushed, "So where are we going?" Sam grinned, "Second star to the right and on till morning?"
"You got that from Homer, didn't you?"
Sam's brain struggled between the Greek poet and a popular cartoon series.
"Erm....kinda."
'And we're speaking modern, mostly American, English. This must be a movie. Where's the set, the director?'

On the far side of the trees were two rough paths leading in different directions. Gabrielle paused briefly in the constant stream of chatter that she'd been keeping up until then.
"That way leads to the village. Nice people, quiet, peaceful."
Sam nodded. 'Well, she knows her Greek legends, in full and glorious detail.'
"And the other way?"
"You wanna go back the way we came?"
"I guess....not," Sam smiled, "Let's visit this peaceful village of yours."
He turned Argo to the left path. Sam saw the smoke rising at first.
"Are they having a barbecue?"
"Pardon me?"
Sam's smile widened, "You know, a barbecue, a cook-out. Uh-oh. That doesn't look good. Oh, hell."

Sam added a few stronger swear words under his breath. The village, to put it mildly, was a mess. Dead bodies, burning houses and the sick smell of burning flesh. Gabrielle gasped, then brought her stick up in an attack attitude in front of her face.
"The bastards."
Sam's mouth narrowed, "This is really happening. This is real death. Who did this?"
He swore again. He was answered by a group of ugly, heavily muscled men who suddenly appeared at the far end of the village with blood splattered armour.

The tallest and ugliest stepped forward.
"Xena!"
Gabrielle began to move towards the men. Sam, chivalrous to his bones, urged Argo into a trot. He unsheathed his sword and tried not to think too hard about what he was about to attempt. The next five minutes became a blur of sword-play as he engaged the men. At some point, somebody un-horsed him and his martial arts training came into play. He kicked, blocked and jumped, using his sword as much as he could. Eventually he stood, with Gabrielle, surrounded by the dead. Sam sobbed convulsively, then staggered behind one of the ruined houses and was briefly and violently sick.
"Xena?" Gabrielle's voice was concerned.
Sam wiped the tears from his face and took the water bottle Gabrielle proffered. He drank, rinsed his mouth and took another couple of cautious mouthfuls. He managed a watery smile.
"Sorry."
Gabrielle shook her head, "I've never seen you like this after you've dealt with the bad guys."
Sam wiped the sword and sheathed it again.
"Must have been something I ate," he fudged, "Now to deal with the corpses."
"That's okay. I dealt with that when you were.....um....doing what you were doing a minute ago."
Sam's eyebrows raised, then lowered in quick succession. He followed Gabrielle back to the main path through the smoking village. The dead foes were piled to one side and forming a funeral pyre. Sam swallowed heavily.

"That took you no time at all." His voice was weak. Gabrielle pointed.
"One of the villagers survived, it's Euripedes. He hid in the middern. He's saying prayers for all his friends and relatives."
Sam watched as the young red-haired man began to make a similar pile at the far end of the village. He took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, then went to help. About an hour later, after they'd had a wash at the village well, Sam and Gabrielle bid farewell to Euripedes and began to move away from the village. Sam decided not to re-mount Argo; the horse didn't seem enjoy the smell of burning bodies any more than he did.

"Good God. It's like 'Nam all over again."
It was Al, back at last. Sam noticed how white Al's face suddenly became. He also saw that Al had one arm in a sling and was trying to hide a whopper of a black eye behind dark glasses. Sam sidled over to his friend, dropping Argo's reins as he did so.
"Not another fight with Tina?"
Al's mouth twitched. His attention had been sufficiently diverted from the carnage they were leaving behind them.
"Hah! Not exactly, no. Let's just say that Xena is even more stunning in person and has a flying noodle kick to rival yours."
Sam chuckled in spite of himself, "And the black eye?"
Al grinned, "I tried my Italian charm on her. What a woman.....I think I'm in love."
Sam shook his head as Gabrielle began another of her epic tales of long ago.

Sam sat relaxing in the shade of a venerable olive tree after lunch. Gabrielle was watching Argo drink at a nearby stream whilst she re-packed their bags.
"So, Al. Why am I here....and exactly when am I? The language is mostly modern, there's every indication that this is real, but Greece is nothing like this nowadays."
Al tapped the Handlink, "Ziggy insists that you're in a contemporary setting - same date, even. I can't tell you precisely when that is because of the rules. Just take it from me that it's Summer back home and the same year in the 90's."
"I haven't missed the Millennium celebrations, then?"
Al smiled, "No, not yet."

Sam looked down at his attire.
"But what's this all about? I haven't seen a single trapping of modern life; no cars, phone booths, proper roads or airplanes. I ought to have gone umpteen years B.C., but that's not possible."
A shadow passed over the sun, then a large, silver object glided slowly into land.
"That's a damned big bird.... Oh, holy hell. Sam, I wish you could pinch me. Is that.....that thing for real?"
Sam stood up, his face wreathed in wonder, "It is real. It's coming this way....." A soft, velvet black nose nuzzled his hand, "It touched me! Oh, Pegasus...."
"What sort of Greece is it that has legends come to life?"
"MY SORT, AL CALAVICCI."
Al and Sam's heads turned to the voice and Pegasus backed away, trembling.

Through a ripple that looked like a heat haze strode a darkly handsome man, clad from head to toe in figure hugging black leather. He stroked his rakish goatee beard. His dark, flashing eyes took in Sam and Al. They both felt sheer power emanating from him. He smiled slowly.
"SO, YOU HAVE TAKEN THE PLACE OF XENA. YOU MUST HAVE UNCOMMON SORCERY, SAM BECKETT. AND YOUR GENIE; A MOST UNUSUAL CHOICE OF GARMENTS. IT WON'T HELP, PRESSING THAT THING. I CAN DESTROY IT WITH A WAVE OF MY HAND."
The Handlink burst into flames and Al dropped it.
"Oh, shit!" Al looked up, clearly angry, his eyes narrowed and brows lowered, "How the hell did you do that? I don't know who you are, mister, but I definitely don't like you."
The other man smirked and moved closer, "IDLE THREATS. A MERE GENIE IS NO MATCH FOR ME..."
He flicked a finger and Al fell to the ground with a cry of sheer agony. Sam, consumed with righteous anger, ran towards the aggressor and knocked him to the floor.

"Leave Al alone!" Sam's eyes blazed dangerously. Suddenly, Sam found himself thrown off effortlessly. The ground hit him between his shoulder-blades and all the breath was knocked out of his body.
"I'M AFRAID YOU'RE NO MATCH FOR A GOD."
Gabrielle stood beside Sam, "Xena, you know what Ares is trying to do. Don't let him win."
Sam slowly shook his head and sat up, looking towards Al. Gabrielle gasped.
"Who's that?"
She went over and tried to touch Al. Her hand went through his chest, but Al's mouth curved slowly in appreciation.
"S'okay, darlin'. I'll be fine in a minute."
Sam glowered at Ares, who simply snapped his fingers and disappeared. Sam went over to Al.
"Are you sure you're all right, Al?"
The hologram was pale, but he took a deep breath, then sat up. Al favoured Gabrielle with one of his best seductive smiles.
"Pleased to meet you. God, I wish I was solid....."
Sam rolled his eyes and tried to stay angry.
"Um....Gabrielle, this is Al. He's a sort of genie, like Ares said." 'Gods...flying horses, real magic..... What is this place?'

Gabrielle smiled eagerly.
"A real genie; like Aladdin's?"
Al grinned, "Yeah, that's right. I'm a free agent, though. I turned up to help Sa...Xena with that nozzle," Al picked up the blackened Handlink, "I don't think I can put 'Zapped by Greek god' in my paperwork, though," He looked upwards at someone else, "Thanks, Gushie."
A new Handlink appeared in Al's hands.
Gabrielle's eyes went wide, "Gushie must be a mighty spirit to conjure such wonders out of thin air."
Al spluttered with laughter and Sam grinned. Al pressed several buttons on the new Handlink.
"The ladies in the office had better watch out. Gushie will be trying that routine out for the next week."

Al checked the latest data as Sam went to saddle up Argo. Pegasus had disappeared.
"Okay. We have an explanation for all this weird stuff. Do you remember our discussions about alternative timelines and multi-verses?"
Sam checked Argo's girth strap.
"Some, yes. I recall theorising that there could be many universes, all thinly layered on top of each other."
Al nodded, "You weren't the only one, either. Well, this leap proves that you were right. This Greece never got much beyond the iron age, but the gods and all the fantastic creatures of myth and legend are real. Same time, different reality. There's a young man in California who had the same idea. He went missing with his professor, a young woman and an African American singer a few years ago. It's all hush-hush and the equipment in his basement is being combed over by the Feds even as we speak. Just thought you ought to know you're not completely alone."
Sam nodded, "Thanks. I guess when Ares zapped you, you became visible here as a side effect. But what wrong do I have to put right?"

"Hmmm. Your......encounter with Ares has changed things. Xena was meant to go back the way she came, so you already put right that wrong by dealing with the bad guys. Ares is a god; as we just found out."
Sam made a great play of checking Argo's saddle bags, while keeping half an eye on Gabrielle, who was collecting up the last of their gear.
"Ares..." Sam mused, "God of war, as I remember. Not one of the good guys."
"You're right there. He encouraged Xena when she was a bad girl. Now she's become a good girl, he's been trying to seduce her back to the dark side."
"Does 'seduce' include......?"
Al smirked, "I expect he's tried, but Xena's a smart, tough cookie."
"We could do with getting a good god on our side.....Zeus, maybe."
Al's grin widened, "Nah....Aphrodite, goddess of love. Get her Sam!"
The physicist shook his head with a smile, "I don't think she makes house calls, Al."
Sam re-mounted Argo as Gabrielle came over. She smiled at Al, who glinted back. Al fished out a cigar and lit it without thinking. Gabrielle stared at his lighter and the cigar.
"How do you get fire out of that tiny little thing?"
Al wiggled his eyebrows, a salacious comment on the tip of his tongue, but bit it back when he saw the look Sam was giving him.
"Ah...well, it's a genie thing, Gabrielle."
"Does that mean you can grant wishes?"
Al shook his head, "No, I'm all wished out. Think of me more as a kind of guide. We've got to figure out a way to deal with Ares if he comes back." The three companions continued along the track, which led steadily uphill towards the distant blue mountains.

"He keeps trying to trick Xena into being bad again."
Al nodded, puffing at his cigar.
"So I heard. What does Xena usually do?"
Gabrielle smiled.
"Well, she's out-witted him several times...."
Gabrielle launched into detailed reminiscences that took the rest of the afternoon. By dusk they had reached the foothills and stopped to eat and camp for the night. Sam sat on a flat rock and gazed into the dying, flickering flames of their campfire. Al 'sat' beside him, while Gabrielle slept in her bed-roll on the other side of the fire. Sam handled Xena's large metal chakram which he had privately christened 'The Frisbee', feeling its weight and balance.
"Does Ziggy have any more details about dealing with Ares?"
Al's Handlink glowed in the darkness.
"Apart from not giving in to him, no."
Sam turned to Al, his eyes full of concern, "He hurt you, Al. I never thought you'd be in physical danger....."
Al fixed Sam with a deep glance.
"Don't you worry about me. You've got a job to do. I'll have the project doctor right by my side from now on. She's here now."
Sam did a double-take, "She?!?"
Al grinned, "She's got a really good bedside manner, too."
Sam shook his head, "Don't you ever stop?"
"With her? Off-duty.....not often!"

Sam sighed, "You could make a guy jealous, you know. I don't think Xena's weapons are going to work."
Al nodded, "He knows you're not Xena, so trying to distract him with a female body won't work. On the other hand, maybe you could try it....." Sam shot to his feet angrily, "No! No way!" he protested, "Not unless there's no other way."
When he saw Gabrielle beginning to stir, his voice dropped in volume. Al looked upwards.
"Hey, I was kidding. Remember how you got your own back when you were Samantha, though. That nozzle didn't know what to do."
Sam sat down slowly "Yeah, but he was a regular guy, not a god given to thunderbolts if angered. I knew I could deck him if he got fresh. I need to find a weakness in Ares that I can manipulate, if it comes to it."

Al hit the button that opened his 'door' to the project. A ripple started in the flames of the fire, then spread rapidly until Ares stepped through. He looked at the white, glowing rectangle. Ares lifted his hand and Al was frozen like a paused film. Sam tried to move, but Ares' gaze rooted him to the spot. Sam watched helplessly as Ares approached the 'door'. Ares circled it speculatively, then approached the rectangle and put out a hand. A red flame shot from his fingers and through the door. Ares backed away, clapped his hands together, so that Al and Sam 'unfroze'. Al darted through to the project as soon as Ares disappeared. Sam sat, stunned, on the rock. Eventually his weary limbs got the better of him and he collapsed on the ground in sleep for a few hours.

"Sam! Sam, wake up, buddy!"
Sam moaned and shook the sleep out of his eyes. The ground had made several lasting impressions on his body. He scowled as he saw it was sill dark, the dawn a bare yellow streak of promise in the sky. As Sam sat up, he slowly eased out the kinks and rubbed his limbs into life. He managed to throw a glance from under his tousled hair at Al.
"Hmmm?"
"You're okay?"
Sam managed a watery smile, "A bit sore and stiff, but otherwise I'm fine."
Al glanced over towards Gabrielle, but she was still asleep. Al's voice dropped to a whisper, even so.
"I was worried about Ares' thunderbolt through the door, but he missed hitting anything or anybody this time. Ziggy says that if you were in the past or future Ares probably wouldn't be able to affect us; but who knows what a god can do."

Sam blanched and frowned, "So he could damage the project?"
Al nodded, "It's possible, yes. That makes it even more imperative that we have a plan up our sleeves."
"Oh, boy...."
"Yeah, I know; but if he damaged Ziggy....."
The Handlink squeaked right on cue.
Al's mouth twitched, "You can tell Her Majesty doesn't like that."
Sam's eyes narrowed, "Could Ares find a way of using your 'door'?"
"You're the physicist. Ziggy says.....he probably can't go through himself, but his lightning bolts certainly did. Maybe, being energy, like light, they use the holographic image as a conduit."
"Could we 'zap' him back?"
Al gave a short laugh.
"Like a phaser in 'Star Trek'?!! This is the 20th century, not the 24th!!.....hang on, Ziggy's gone bananas," the Handlink squeaked and flashed violently, "There may be something in this, Sam. You have breakfast with the delectable Gabrielle and I'll get back to you."

Sam stirred the fire, putting more wood on to heat a can of water.
'Thank goodness I was a Boy Scout. Though I never guessed Being Prepared would come to this...' Sam looked down at his costume, 'I look like Frankenfurter out of the 'Rocky Horror Show'. No fishnet stockings though, thank goodness.'
Gabrielle stirred in the growing dawn light and sat up.
"Morning, Xena."
She fetched a handful of leaves from her bag and threw them in the water. Sam regarded the mixture with high suspicion. He'd had herbal tea before, but this brew promised to be too exotic for his palate. After a few minutes, Gabrielle passed over a mugful. Sam sniffed, then took a tentative sip. To his surprise, it was delicious. He finished off the drink, then helped Gabrielle break camp. Deciduous forest gave way to pines as they followed the path up the hill. Sam breathed the unspoilt air, enjoying the splashes of colour afforded by bouganvillaea, hibiscus and oleander bushes.
'Now this sort of scenery I could enjoy on a permanent basis, if it weren't for the inherent danger.'
Gabrielle chose that moment to launch into a new epic tale. Sam filtered the words through his ears, keeping alert for anything useful. The path came out into the open, skirting the bottom of the rocky summit. Another grey and purple peak rose up across the sheer valley to their right. Sam began to look forward to the view that must lie ahead. He wasn't disappointed.

The sun had burnt off the slight morning haze to leave the approaching vista clear right to the horizon. Sam gasped appreciatively in wonder. A stream gushed in a creamy, noisy waterfall from the rock at their left. Sam followed the track of the water as it carved a path down through dark and soft green forest to a clear blue lake in the valley. Beyond the lake was a wide swathe of grass, dotted with yellow flowers. Sam couldn't tell at this distance what variety they were. The green sward apparently continued across the valley floor right to the horizon. The air was so clear that Sam almost felt that he ought to be able to discern every single leaf and blade of grass. He deeply breathed in the clean, clear air.

"So, Xena; where do you wanna go next?"
Sam started out of his reverie. He blinked as he re-adjusted back to the reality of his situation. He saw the path heading down into the valley and a narrower one that continued around the shoulder of the mountain to their left.
'No contest. That valley is too idyllic, plus I'd rather meet Ares on level ground.'
He pointed ahead and urged Argo down the hill. The air warmed by degrees as Sam and Gabrielle entered the shelter of the wood. Al chose that moment to turn up, falling into step beside Gabrielle. He smiled at her.
"Morning, gorgeous."
Sam boggled and reined in Argo, whose eyes had already started to roll.
"Al! What the hell are you wearing? You look like a refugee from a 'sword and sandal' epic!"

Al looked down at his costume, trying to keep an innocent expression on his face. Bright red fabric with a decorative black border was draped over his torso like a chiton, with an over-cloak in gold and red. Al even had sandals on his feet.
"This? This old thing?" He achieved a fair approximation of innocence, "Just a little something I had in my cupboard,"
Al moved closer to Sam and whispered, conspiratorially, "And, boy did it make Tina hot. She got to find out if this outfit has matching underwear....or not!"
Sam shook his head, "When I get back, I'm putting you on Bromide. You're like a seventeen year old on overdrive!"
Al tried to look hurt, "And I had good news, too."

Gabrielle smiled widely, "I think you look like Hermes. Your....attribute," she pointed at the Handlink, "could almost be like Hermes' magic wand."
Al's eyes flashed fire and his eyebrows wiggled "My magic wand is...."
Sam gave him a dirty look.
"Well, my....erm...mistress is reminding me that I've yet to tell you what we've got planned for Ares."
"Can we 'zap' him?"
"No, Sam, not exactly. Remember the light beam we used to help you play Pool?" Sam nodded, "Well, Ziggy's intensified the beam and it should at least distract Ares."
"Who's Ziggy? Another genie?"
Al barked a short laugh and Sam's lips twitched into a smile.
"In a way.....yes." Sam managed. He smiled warmly at Gabrielle.
She took the opportunity to launch into some of the tales of the Arabian Nights. The morning passed in convivial talk and breath-taking scenery. By lunch-time they had reached the lake. Sam looked across the water as Gabrielle delved into Argo's saddlebags for some food. Al stood next to Sam, close to the water's edge.
"Wish I could send the project people somewhere like this when they need a break....if it wasn't for the disadvantages."

"AND THEY WOULD INCLUDE ME?"
Al began tapping at his Handlink as the two friends turned towards Ares.
"THAT....GATEWAY OF YOURS. WHERE DOES IT GO?"
"Can't tell you that."
Al pulled himself up to his full height. Sam was suddenly reminded of a dog fight he'd seen, once. He couldn't remember when or where, but it had been a terrier against a timber wolf. Sam wondered if his terrier would win this time. Ares approached slowly, confidently, watching Al and Sam at the same time. Ares snapped his fingers and Al's 'door' appeared.
"That's impossible!!"
Sam gasped with shock and moved over. Gabrielle had her staff in her hand, but kept a safe distance.
"NOW...LET ME SEE....." Ares brought his hand up.
Al punched at his Handlink and risked a quick glance down at the screen.
"You know, Ares," Al put in casually, "You look a lot like my late uncle." A brilliant, red beam from the Handlink hit the god squarely in the eyes. He flinched backwards and Sam pounced. He took Ares in a tackle and threw him to the ground. Al moved with him and kept shining the light into Ares' eyes. Sam landed a good right punch. Ares looked up, dazed and angry.
"I AM IMPRESSED. NOT BAD, FOR A MERE MORTAL AND A SECOND RATE GENIE."
Al grinned and leaned over Ares' prostrate form.
"You have no idea, buddy."
Sam kept Ares' shoulders pinned to the ground. He decided to press his advantage, "Will you go away and stop bothering Xena?"
"I WON'T PROMISE NEVER TO RETURN. I AM A GOD, AFTER ALL."
Sam decided it was enough. He rose. Ares disappeared. There was a strangled gasp from Al.

"Tina?" Sam looked up. There was a stunningly beautiful woman, with soft curves and long, slender legs, just about made decent by the shortest mini pink chiton that Sam had ever seen. He gulped.
"That's not Tina! Her hair's brown, her eyes dusky and her.... My goodness, she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."
The lady smiled and Sam blushed as he realised what he'd said.
"FOR AL, I AM TINA....AT LEAST AN IDEALISED TINA. FOR YOU, I AM THE WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS."
Al was standing, his mouth opening and closing noiselessly, like a fish. The lady came over and kissed him gently on the lips.
"Oh, wow..." he breathed, frozen to the spot. The lady looked at Gabrielle.
"FORGET THIS, DEAR."
Gabrielle closed her eyes and sat down.
Sam swallowed, "Who?" he managed.
She laughed softly, "I TURN UP HERE WHEN LOVE WINS OVER WAR. I AM APHRODITE, SAM. ARES HAS GONE TO ZEUS. AS FOR YOU....."
She took his face in her hands and Sam drowned in her kiss.
"MY BLESSING ON YOU. I WILL BE LOOKING AFTER XENA FOR A WHILE. GOODBYE, SAM.....THE OTHER ULYSSES."
"What a kiss.... Ulysses? As in Odysseus?"
Aphrodite smiled.
Al unfroze and tapped the Handlink, "Yeah, that's him."
Sam was still grinning as he leaped.

--------------------------------

He was standing on a rough, rounded surface. Wood? Sam felt something like a rope between his thighs. Then the muscles in his legs pushed automatically and he swung out on what proved to be a green liana over a dizzying drop. He looked down at himself. He was wearing nothing apart from a very brief leather loincloth.
"I'm Tarzan?!!' Ohhhh, boyyyyy.........!!"