(no subject)
i think i'm still in denial about phil's passing. the funeral tomorrow will really hit it home i'm sure. i went to back to work today where no one knows him, things just carried on like every other day. nothing looks the same though. my relationships with everyone have changed. it was hard being there with no eva, corgan and dean to distract me. caught myself thinking about my first night here in melbourne, 14 weeks ago. phillip came over as we were celebrating my arrival. he stayed with me on a single mattress in the middle of the floor in my new bedroom. we cuddled and kissed a little. my first night here and he was with me, helping me to feel comfortable.
and now here i am, in melbourne, without one of my dear friends who i thought would always be here.
i've been sick. it hasn't helped the greiving process. i couldn't move on wednesday. thursday was quite a bit better. friday i looked horrendous.. sickly pale with bloodshot eyes, everyone pointed that out. this weekend i barely left the house at all. i wake up every night sweating like a pig. i'm super tired. i know i'm not eating as best i could, and the last few months i've been drinking far far too much. i miss my family SO BAD. I don't know if i can keep this up. i welcome september, i welcome springtime and the wedding.
melbourne right now seems cold and isolating. everyday i push myself further to the exterior. but i'm getting tougher, and more determined to be heard. I am learning what it is to be in control of my decisions. i have told myself that i can no longer let an opportunity pass me by. for example - i should learn to cook, cause i have the perfect teacher wanting to teach me, and I DO want to learn. I want to be proud of the way i live every moment of my life. I want to utilize everything i've got. I can't let things slide anymore, I have to stand up and protest. If I don't do these things I'll be letting myself down, and letting him down, and thats just not an option.
and now here i am, in melbourne, without one of my dear friends who i thought would always be here.
i've been sick. it hasn't helped the greiving process. i couldn't move on wednesday. thursday was quite a bit better. friday i looked horrendous.. sickly pale with bloodshot eyes, everyone pointed that out. this weekend i barely left the house at all. i wake up every night sweating like a pig. i'm super tired. i know i'm not eating as best i could, and the last few months i've been drinking far far too much. i miss my family SO BAD. I don't know if i can keep this up. i welcome september, i welcome springtime and the wedding.
melbourne right now seems cold and isolating. everyday i push myself further to the exterior. but i'm getting tougher, and more determined to be heard. I am learning what it is to be in control of my decisions. i have told myself that i can no longer let an opportunity pass me by. for example - i should learn to cook, cause i have the perfect teacher wanting to teach me, and I DO want to learn. I want to be proud of the way i live every moment of my life. I want to utilize everything i've got. I can't let things slide anymore, I have to stand up and protest. If I don't do these things I'll be letting myself down, and letting him down, and thats just not an option.