yadda yadda yadda.
so my lifes came to a bit of a stand still. im fed up, im anxious all the time, im doubting myself, trying to motivate myself to get out of bed is even becoming a chore.
i really dont no what to do with myself anymore. i feel trapt and stuck in a life that i dont want to lead. i thought dropping out of uni would do me good, its only been a week but now all i can see is my future slipping away. i want to be some awesome photographer with my name in lights, have my own shows and have people research my work in years to come. but is it really gonna happen?... probably not. whats the point, im not good enough for any of those things.
i've been applying for jobs but even that seems useless, trying to pick up hours at the baths where ever i can, but that place is soul destroying. not that i have much of soul anyway at the minute. i have no drive, no inhibitions, no nothing. i know im usually pretty pessimistic usually but its spiraling out of control.
even when i was with poz this weekend, were having such an awesome time just hanging out but i just keep drifting into my own thoughts. n i dont no what to tell him when he asks if im okay.and now cos of all this bullshit thats going on in my messed up head now on top of that im scared ill lose him, even though i know we are perfectly fine. well better than fine. man.
but yeah back to the weekend, it was awesome to not be at my shitty job. took poz to leeds, got more of his arm done which is super fit :). i really want my legs doing god dammit! he took me to a firework display on saturday night which made me super happy, we got sparklers and he ran about his garden like a fool. then on sunday we went to lambos and watched more fireworks. so all in all was a super good time.
i dont understand why i feel so empty when im so happy with him and where i live and other stuffs. meh meh meh
i really dont no what to do with myself anymore. i feel trapt and stuck in a life that i dont want to lead. i thought dropping out of uni would do me good, its only been a week but now all i can see is my future slipping away. i want to be some awesome photographer with my name in lights, have my own shows and have people research my work in years to come. but is it really gonna happen?... probably not. whats the point, im not good enough for any of those things.
i've been applying for jobs but even that seems useless, trying to pick up hours at the baths where ever i can, but that place is soul destroying. not that i have much of soul anyway at the minute. i have no drive, no inhibitions, no nothing. i know im usually pretty pessimistic usually but its spiraling out of control.
even when i was with poz this weekend, were having such an awesome time just hanging out but i just keep drifting into my own thoughts. n i dont no what to tell him when he asks if im okay.and now cos of all this bullshit thats going on in my messed up head now on top of that im scared ill lose him, even though i know we are perfectly fine. well better than fine. man.
but yeah back to the weekend, it was awesome to not be at my shitty job. took poz to leeds, got more of his arm done which is super fit :). i really want my legs doing god dammit! he took me to a firework display on saturday night which made me super happy, we got sparklers and he ran about his garden like a fool. then on sunday we went to lambos and watched more fireworks. so all in all was a super good time.
i dont understand why i feel so empty when im so happy with him and where i live and other stuffs. meh meh meh