Another Year
Another year has passed, yay, that means I am one year closer to a natural death. You know when I think about it, it is funny how I would be half way through my life had this been 400 years ago. Living into my late 40s. Now I am stuck here living potentially into my 100s. Ah the curse of growing up. I really really hate the fact that humanity can keep itself alive longer. Not that I will be around too much longer.
You know everyday I wonder, if it will be the day I try to kill myself. Even though I do not really have the means here. I lack good rope, or a gun, or a good chunk of pills. I have discovered that I cannot posion myself with booze, despite my need to die. The funny thing is that I wonder every day, if today will be the day. The day that I make my first attempt. The day that I end it all. In all reality I just need something that can actually succeed in suicide and something to make me snap. Maybe that day will come as I fail to find a new job.
Yup it is time to restart that old job hunt. I feel I have given my company enough time to recover from the incident. So it is time to resume what is probably going to be a slow and long failure. After all I am stuck in this shit dead end job. After I fail to find a new one I think that will be enough to push me over the edge. I know that part of me wants to make sure I have no commitments of any kind. However, my life insurance is good and I can just ask my mom to use some of it to help my roommate through these times shoudl I still have one. In all reality I worry that finding an out of state job will be the end of me.
When I think about it that is the perfect time to quit living. I can organize all of my stuff into boxes. Then write my will. Then just kill myself with no attachments. After all I will leave my roommates cats with him. So I will be truly alone. Then it would just be as simple as finding a method. As well as making sure that my affairs are in order. When I think about it my day is closer at hand then I realize.
You know everyday I wonder, if it will be the day I try to kill myself. Even though I do not really have the means here. I lack good rope, or a gun, or a good chunk of pills. I have discovered that I cannot posion myself with booze, despite my need to die. The funny thing is that I wonder every day, if today will be the day. The day that I make my first attempt. The day that I end it all. In all reality I just need something that can actually succeed in suicide and something to make me snap. Maybe that day will come as I fail to find a new job.
Yup it is time to restart that old job hunt. I feel I have given my company enough time to recover from the incident. So it is time to resume what is probably going to be a slow and long failure. After all I am stuck in this shit dead end job. After I fail to find a new one I think that will be enough to push me over the edge. I know that part of me wants to make sure I have no commitments of any kind. However, my life insurance is good and I can just ask my mom to use some of it to help my roommate through these times shoudl I still have one. In all reality I worry that finding an out of state job will be the end of me.
When I think about it that is the perfect time to quit living. I can organize all of my stuff into boxes. Then write my will. Then just kill myself with no attachments. After all I will leave my roommates cats with him. So I will be truly alone. Then it would just be as simple as finding a method. As well as making sure that my affairs are in order. When I think about it my day is closer at hand then I realize.